They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and this statement most certainly rings true when it comes to raising a toddler. After you've fished a Barbie doll out of the toilet and successfully cleaned the maple syrup out of your 6-year-old's hair minutes before her soccer game began, there's pretty much nothing you can't handle. Being a parent is basically like being a superhero but without receiving any of the praise or adoration. It's a ton of work and requires putting yourself through endless sticky situations, as made clear through this week's round-up of funniest parenting tweets.
Your life is no doubt fueled by 15 minute naps and countless cups of coffee, and the last time you've had a solid night of sleep was probably around three years ago. All of your shirts are most likely stained in one way or another and you're pretty sure the weird rash you've developed on your back is stress-induced. Yes, you're exhausted, but being a parent pretty much ensures that you'll never live a day without any laughter or excitement. Sometimes it takes hearing or reading about other parents' struggles to remind yourself that it's definitely okay to laugh at your parenting woes sometimes.
1. If Only
I wish I always had as much confidence as I do when I've had a few glasses of wine & am trying to show my daughter how to do a cartwheel.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 1, 2016
I'd be unstoppable.
2. Toddler Logic
This seems like a good place for it.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 31, 2016
- my kids putting anything down anywhere
No, legos do not belong in the refrigerator.
3. 100 Percent Required
If my 7yo has taught me anything, it's that watching yourself do air guitar moves in the mirror is required before you brush your teeth.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) June 1, 2016
It's absolutely necessary.
I told my kids we could go for ice cream after dinner, and they reacted like we won the lottery.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 1, 2016
Can you blame them?
5. Parenting Goals
Parenting tip: Have at least two kids so you can always say, "Hey, go find your brother" so you can stay seated on your lazy butt.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 1, 2016
Sounds like pretty good advice to me.
6. Get Me Out Of Here
Nothing says good clean fun like an indoor play structure full of snot nosed toddlers licking everything.— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) June 1, 2016
Sounds like a blast!
7. Please Don't Find Me
Not all who wander are lost. Some of us are just trying desperately to hide from our kids.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 1, 2016
8. Trader Joe's, My Second Home
Yes, obviously, I have a favorite reusable grocery bag.— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) May 29, 2016
This is probably the most "mom" statement I've ever read.
9. No More Whining, Please
"I'm not in the mood for these today"— JllyJllyFish (@JllyJllyFish) June 2, 2016
-Me about my kids.
And by "today," I think you really mean "every day."
Teenagers are the best and by the best I mean the worst.— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) June 1, 2016
The absolute worst.
11. Joke's On You
Newborn is Latin for: hahahahahahah sucker!— вℓσи∂є αмbitισи™ (@CharmandBrains) May 28, 2016
And I'm pretty sure it's Greek for "your shirt is stained with throw up."
12. A Dangerous Mission
What happens in Vegas is nothing compared to the gamble I make when I leave the house with a toddler who hasn't taken a nap.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 2, 2016
You are so, so brave.
My hobbies include counting to three incessantly, empty threats and full glasses of wine.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 2, 2016
What a coincidence! We have the exact same hobbies.
14. 100 Percent Accurate
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) June 1, 2016
It's like a ticking time bomb.
15. Shut Your Mouth
"React calmly." Says the person who does not have poop smeared on their shirt & legs cause their kiddo insisted he did NOT have to go potty.— Corri Lee (@HeyMyNameIsMom) May 31, 2016
The golden rule: Never accept parenting advice from somebody who does not have kids.
Parenting Equation:— Ye Of Little Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 1, 2016
the number of times you say "Turn off that light!" ✕ the number of times you say "Close that door!" = infinity.
Sounds about right.
17. No More Cartwheels, Please
500 Questions, but it's just my kids repeatedly asking me to "watch this" as they perform an unimpressive yet perilous stunt.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 1, 2016
You'd think they'd get tired after the first 50 somersaults. But nope.
18. Who Needs Hawaii?
Vacation is just yelling at my kids in a different state.— SarahBeerInTheFridge (@SarahR_82) May 30, 2016
What's the point of vacation if you can yell at your kids from the comfort of your own living room?
19. You're Blocking My View
When 7 was born, I had lofty hopes & dreams for him.— Ye Of Little Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 2, 2016
Now, I just want him to aim *into* the toilet & not stand right in front of the tv.
Those still sound like pretty big dreams to me.
20. How Could You?
Gave my toddler the wrong color fork today and almost caused the apocalypse.— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 1, 2016
21. Couldn't Agree More
The only thing in my life that's constant is my lack of sleep.— WhimsiKel (@k_lli) May 31, 2016
22. World-Renowned Author
Check out my parenting book, "Because I Said So"— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 2, 2016
I heard it was on The New York Times best seller list.
23. No Shower, No Problem
I'm sure my daughter will count getting soaked at this softball game as her shower tonight.— Drea (@A_gligs) June 1, 2016
She definitely will.
24. Dinnertime Drama
It's fun trying new foods with kids until you're sick of preparing meals they won't eat and eventually full circle back to chicken fingers.— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 31, 2016
I'm praying for the day my toddler will eat something other than Spongebob macaroni and cheese.
25. The Struggle Is Real
Childless people: Enjoy getting into a vehicle without anyone immediately becoming critically thirsty while you still can.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 29, 2016
Those were the days.
26. 254 Milliseconds Left
I haven't the faintest idea what the date is, but I can tell you down to the millisecond how much longer my kids have until bedtime.— Mommy_Owl (@Lhlodder) May 28, 2016
It's an acquired skill.
27. Can't Argue With That
Me to toddler: I wonder why your poop is blue?— Abbie (@grumblinggrace) May 31, 2016
Toddler to me (witheringly): Maybe God just made it that way, okay?
I can't argue with that.
Sounds pretty logical to me.
28. No Kids Allowed
My wife is making weekend plans so I asked if she wanted to bring the kids. The look of disgust on her face is parenthood in a nutshell.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 2, 2016
I don't blame her.
29. Please Be Careful
Me: Have you considered NOT making a ginormous mess today?— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 2, 2016
*my kids turn & stare at me blankly*
Me: (Sigh) Very well. Carry on.
Making ginormous messes is pretty much a prerequisite to being a kid.