When you're a parent, it can frequently feel as if you're on the brink of insanity. Your kids will complain that they're "literally starving," but when you present them with a home-cooked dinner you slaved over for two hours, they suddenly decide that they'd prefer fruit snacks and potato chips. Being a mom really is a thankless, exhausting job at times. The good news, however, is that you're never really alone. There are a number of hilarious parents on Twitter totally know what you're going through, as proven through some of the funniest parenting tweets.
It's like you can never win with kids; they go from telling you that you're "ruining their lives" to crawling into your bed at four in the morning because their "blanket smells funny." Parenting is like a roller coaster that never really ends, and even though you don't want it to, you might occasionally feel sick and tired of all the loops and turns that it throws at you. Those loops and turns, however, might begin to feel a bit easier when you remember that you can always turn to Twitter for a laugh whenever you need a break from the madness. There is always another parent out there that knows exactly what you're dealing with and isn't afraid to type exactly what you're thinking.
1. Like Mother, Like Son
Me: (trying to unlock car door)Guys, you need to pay better attention when you're walking in the parking lot.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 24, 2016
8: Mom, that's not our car.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
2. Bedtime Woes
"My belly is sad"— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 24, 2016
-my 4yo begging for snacks at bedtime
My belly is sad, too.
ladies, a funny thing to say after you give birth would be "I DON'T REMEMBER EATING THAT"— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 23, 2016
I'm peeved that I didn't think of this first.
4. Master Chef In The Making
A boy in town got to the finals on "Chopped" this week.— Not THAT Malarkey (@HilaryVervers) August 26, 2016
Meanwhile my daughter forgets to add water to the EasyMac cup.
She'll learn one day.
5. Can You Not?
The person I'm speaking to isn't saying yes. Maybe they can't hear me? I should just talk louder.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 25, 2016
Why can't my kid come with a mute button?
6. Pretty Much
Parenting is mostly just cursing under your breath and pretending to be impressed by bad art.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 23, 2016
Yeah, that sounds about right.
7. When's The Ball?
I'm at my most Cinderella when I'm scrubbing crayon marks off the floor and desperately trying to find my five-year-old's missing sneaker.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 24, 2016
You're basically Cinderella, but without the handsome prince and with a lot more dirty socks to wash.
8. Back To School Blues
I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 26, 2016
That would only begin to cover it.
9. Practice Makes Perfect
Parents telling their kids to go to bed and think about what they did is great practice for what they'll do every night as an adult.— Sara Mansford (@SaraMansford) August 26, 2016
It's always good to be prepared!
10. Asking The Important Questions, Here
But if you don't have kids who's going to pee in the paper recycling bin?— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 26, 2016
Someone's got to do it.
11. Sounds Legit
"Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look."— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 26, 2016
- my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sure thing, kid.
I love my body. It's not perfect but it gave life to two beautiful babies and you should see what it can do to a large order of onion rings.— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 26, 2016
My sentiments exactly.
13. Dirty Laundry For Days
If you've ever wondered, "Why don't I keep more dirty, balled-up socks in my car?" then having kids might be for you.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) August 26, 2016
Sounds thrilling, doesn't it?
My son woke me up at 5 a.m. this morning cuz he was scared of his alarm clock about to go off.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 24, 2016
He became what he feared.
A profound life lesson.
15. Smash Hit
Like Mozart, who also began composing at age 4, my son is working on a song in which every word is "butt."— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 26, 2016
Your son is a musical genius in his own right.
16. It's All About Me
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) August 26, 2016
17. There Must Be Hope
Three-year-olds get a bad rap but mine just begged to help clean the bathroom. So at least there's that.— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) August 23, 2016
Even 3-year-olds have their moments.
18. The End Of Times
My 3YO didn't get to pick which of two identical apple sauce packages she wanted before her sister and now the world is ending goodbye— Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) August 24, 2016
The apocalypse has come.
19. Not Exactly
4-year-old: When did the dinosaurs die?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2016
Me: A long, long time ago.
4: When I was 2?
A tad bit longer than that, but close.
20. Photos On Photos On Photos
Here's 742 more photos of my kids In case you missed the first 383.— Dan (@Social_Mime) August 24, 2016
Said every parent ever.
21. Please, Please Go To Sleep
Currently, our only effective bedtime ritual is turning off all the lights an hour past bedtime and pretending we are dead.— dadpression (@Dadpression) August 25, 2016
And I bet even that only works roughly 25 percent of the time.
22. No No No
I just learned that my daughter now eats bowls of cereal one Cheerio at a time and also that school mornings can, in fact, "get any worse."— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 23, 2016
I am so, so sorry.
23. The Absolute Worst
I think parenthood jumps the shark when your kids can tell time and you can't put 'em to bed at 7 and tell them it's 8.— Havana with a B (@havanawithab) August 24, 2016
I'm praying that you'll make it through this difficult time.
I love when my kids tell me they're starving for dinner then take sixteen hours to get ready.— SardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) August 25, 2016
It makes so much sense, doesn't it?
25. Proud Mom
I hate to brag, but I picked up all my kids from school on time and didn't even forget one like some sort of mom-of-the-year or something.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 23, 2016
I wish I could say the same.
Occupation: cry at home mom— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 23, 2016
27. Mic Off, Please
You know how sometimes a reporter starts talking but their mic is off and you can't hear them? Would be nice if that happened to children.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 26, 2016
One can only dream.
If you've ever wiped up someone's throw up with the shirt you're currently wearing, you're probably a mom.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 23, 2016
29. Parenting Summed Up
90% of parenting is walking into rooms & turning off televisions no one is watching.— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) August 21, 2016
Sounds like fun, doesn't it?