29 Hilarious Parenting Tweets That Pretty Much Sum Up Parenthood
Now that July is more than half-way through, this should serve as a reassuring sign that your kid's summer break is nearly half-way over, too. Sure, you love your kids, but the endless hours at the beach, fights over pool toys and the squelching heat are enough to make any mom go a little crazy. For parents, calling summer vacation a "vacation" is nothing short of comical. What part of hauling around a car full of screaming 6-year-olds to and from summer camp day after day is a "vacation," in any sense of the word? Luckily, however, other moms totally know what you're going through. Just take a look at this week's round-up of parenting tweets and see for yourself.
Summer break can really test a parent's patience, but one day you'll look back and marvel at the dozens of sunscreen bottles you went through or laugh about the time your 10-year-old snuck behind your back and ate an entire box of popsicles in one sitting. You're exhausted, but that's just part of the day's job when you're a mom. Try to savor every moment, because one day when your kids are finally grown, you're really going to miss these hectic summer days.
1Guilty As Charged
If you haven't told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you're a better parent than me.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 15, 2016
Well played, mom. Well played.
Me: Can you please put your dish in the dishwasher?— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) July 14, 2016
12: We have a dishwasher?
I bet your husband doesn't know you have one either.
Me: You promised me you'd eat a sandwich if I made you one— Shellz (@HeyoShellz) July 15, 2016
3: I was kidding
Good one, kid.
[First date]— Lobster Mobster (@Furry_Beaver) July 12, 2016
Me: *1 hour late*
Me: "Sorry I'm late, was getting ready".
Him: "Why are you in a onesee and is that fruitloops in your hair?"
What else did he expect?
So you drink wine after getting your kids to bed? That's nice. I curl up in the fetal position and sob until I'm void of all emotion.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 15, 2016
All parents cope differently.
Just hold out for someone who looks at you the way my toddler looks at cheese.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 15, 2016
He's out there somewhere.
3yo: Mommy? Mommy can you hold my cup? Mommy? Mommy. Hold it, please, mommy!— Renee Nyen (@Renee_Nyen) July 14, 2016
Me: *takes cup*
3yo: Thanks. *does chicken impression*
Every. Single. Day.
Parenthood is spending half the day threatening your kids while living in constant fear of anything/anyone ever hurting them.— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 13, 2016
Parenting, in a nutshell.
9Future Business Moguls
My kids are brainstorming ideas for a business; The Sweet Tooth, a pastry shop and dental office in one.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 13, 2016
Seems like a solid business plan.
10No Sleep, No Problem
4-year-old: Why do I have to go to bed at night?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2016
Me: Everyone sleeps. Even adults
4: No you don't. You just play on your phones
She's on to us.
THERE'S SO MANY STAIRS HERE, THIS IS WORSE THAN MOUNT EVIDENCE!— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 11, 2016
-my son, anytime he's climbing more than 6 stairs
I feel for him.
I told my kids not to leave the bathroom a mess so they wiped everything down with toothpaste because "it cleans our teeth & the counter."— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) July 11, 2016
Well, at least they tried.
13Couldn't Come Quicker
I'm just a few years from yelling at teenagers for existing. I'm happy but scared.— JustSomeFool (@just1fool) July 13, 2016
When the time comes, you'll be prepared.
The best parents learn how to act. For example: Pretending to enjoy being on a carousel.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 15, 2016
Parents are the greatest actors out there. Move over, DiCaprio.
15Joke's On Us
Whoever decided to call it "summer break", congrats.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 12, 2016
That's like the biggest joke ever played on parents.
Summer break: where parents' dreams come to die.
16Why Oh Why
My hands are filthy. I should wet them and then rub them across this mirror.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 14, 2016
I've given up on trying to keep the mirrors clean.
Toddlers & Ghosts— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) July 10, 2016
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
They're basically the same thing.
9yo: Why must you torture me so much more than him?— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 13, 2016
Me: Oh, I make sure torture you and your brother equally. It's what good mothers do.
Me as a mom.
19Yup, Pretty Much
Fact: a child's "minute" is equivalent to one of our Earth hours.— Big World, Small Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 11, 2016
"This is the one dream that has come true for my adult life"— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 12, 2016
*Eats cookies for dinner*
21Sounds Like A Blast
Tomorrow is Bring Your Kids to Work Day. I'm excited to show my daughter where daddy's dreams go to die.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) July 14, 2016
"Honey, this will be you in a few years."
My 3yo can reach his entire arm into a Pringles can and finally parenting has some value.— Creed (@novicefather) July 14, 2016
Like father, like son.
I love it when my kid dares me to do something, and I use my age as a reason why I can't.— BŁÖÑĐİĒ (@paulablu22) July 9, 2016
One of the perks of getting older.
2000: I'm looking for someone to travel the world with!— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 11, 2016
2016: I'm looking for someone to take me on a trip to Costco.
Parenthood will do that to you.
25No No No
I woke up this morning and my kids had the audacity to remind me that there is still 7 weeks left of summer break.— Why-Me (@Sandrahadenough) July 15, 2016
Ruined my day.
There's always a day when kids realize their parents aren't superheroes. For my kids, it was the day they asked me to draw a horse for them.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 15, 2016
All parents learn this the hard way.
3 just congratulated me and told me I'm the winner of the disgusting award so I officially give up trying to look nice.— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) July 12, 2016
Kids: the ultimate confidence-booster.
28Desperate Times, Desperate Measures
You haven't hit bottom until you've licked the leftover gravy from a lean cuisine tray.— Angela (@amhw) July 14, 2016
Related: I've hit bottom.
Been there. Licked that.
Calm down or Mommy's gonna get retro and bring back the "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about" parenting method.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 13, 2016
Watch out, kids.