Now that summer is over and fall is almost in full swing, you're probably having to adjust to your old "back to school" habits: noisy carpooling, meticulously cutting fruit into tiny squares so that your 6-year-old might find them appetizing, and worst of all, helping your kids complete their math homework. (When did sixth grade math become so damn difficult?) Other parents understand the trials and tribulations you're going through all too well. And some are not-so silent when dealing with them, as proven through this week's round-up of hilarious parenting tweets.
You're probably somewhat relieved that summer is over, but that doesn't make it easier to jump back into old habits. Instead of sunburns and bathing suit shopping to deal with, you now have to cart a screaming car of kids to and from school, pack delicious lunches that still have at least some nutritional benefit, and make sure your child is wearing shoes before he leaves the house, despite the cries of protest that may ensue.
Yes, you're most likely exhausted, but it's best to remember to enjoy these stressful moments, especially since the beginning of a school year is a reminder that your kid is growing up, and that these times definitely won't last forever. And if you are stressed, just turn to Twitter to ensure some laughs.
If you haven't reached your hand into an overflowing toilet to unclog a mystery item, do you even have kids?— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 31, 2016
Nope. I'm guessing you don't.
My 6yos have been responding to everything I say this morning with "That's what she said."— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 31, 2016
I'm totally winning parenting
You must be very, very proud.
We're a week & a half into the school year and I haven't lost my kids' homework yet.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 1, 2016
It's important to celebrate small victories.
A celebration is in order.
No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 31, 2016
We've all been there.
The only time I recommend four kids is when I'm trying to sell mine.— ʝo̥ €ffiпg-Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) August 31, 2016
6Please Don't Find Me
I'm always here for my kids. Always.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 28, 2016
*Checks that the bathroom door is locked*
Just five minutes alone is all I ask for.
Keep food from expiring by having kids who leave the freezer or fridge door open overnight so you can just throw it all away 2-5x a year.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 30, 2016
It's a win-win situation, isn't it?
8Picture Day Problems
Why does every school picture package contain 523 wallet-sized photos? I end up handing out the extras to strangers at bus stops.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 30, 2016
What else are we supposed to do with them?
When I was a kid I wanted to be a lawyer or a veterinarian but picking up couch pillows off the floor 7 hours a day is cool too— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 1, 2016
Dreams really do come true.
10What A Nightmare
Remember, if you let your toddler spend too much time looking at screens they might grow up to be a totally average American adult.— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) August 31, 2016
You better be careful.
Top 3 questions I ask my husband and son:— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) August 30, 2016
1. Can you not wash a dish
2. Dear GOD what is that smell
3. Why are you naked
4. Why are you always so sticky?
12Time Well Spent
Practiced our school morning routine today, so I hid one of each kid's shoes, spilled cereal, & had the toddler throw my keys in the trash.— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 30, 2016
Practice really does make perfect.
13Grocery Store Woes
If survival of the fittest was based on a human’s ability to consistently choose the speediest grocery store checkout line, I’d be extinct.— Mama Got Bamboozled (@MamaBamboozled) August 30, 2016
It's a science that needs to be mastered.
My child is wearing an inflatable crown and lashing me in the back with a foam sword, but congratulations on feeling your baby's first kick.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 28, 2016
Who's the real winner here?
15More Naps, Please
I'm not tired, I just need a nap every half hour.— Jennifer (@somanyjenns) August 30, 2016
All moms do.
16Silence Is Golden
Well, it's been 12 hours. My 11 year old daughter is STILL talking.— IHateEveryone (@_IHateEvery0ne) August 27, 2016
The good news is that by the time she's 18, she'll probably stop.
7yo: I could see you and my teacher getting married.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) September 1, 2016
Me: I'm married to your mom.
7yo: Well you could get a divorce.
(My 7yo is savage af.)
Kids really do say the darndest things, don't they?
[playing with a teddy bear]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2016
6-year-old: Why can't we have a real bear?
Me: It would eat people.
6: What if they're people I don't like?
Well, he does have a point there.
19Game Night Gone Wrong
If you ever play charades w/my 3yo, he's either a thunderstorm or a "mineola butthanger".— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) August 31, 2016
Both look deceptively like jumping in place.
Every. Single. Time.
20Preparation Is Key
*time machine appears— MmmMeh!!! (@TheAlexNevil) August 31, 2016
Future Me: I'm from November 1st--I'm here to warn you
FM: 7 will catch you eating his candy & it gets ugly
It's always best to remain calm and be prepared.
What I say: Don't do that.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 30, 2016
What my toddler hears: Don't do that the way you're doing it, do it louder!
22Please, Please Just Eat It
Feeding a toddler is mostly lying about how good a food tastes.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 31, 2016
And then praying they don't figure out that you're lying.
In the 10 seconds it takes me to run to him, I have no idea if my preschooler is bleeding out or if he lost at tic-tac-toe. Same scream.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) August 30, 2016
I'm sure both predicaments are equally as tragic to him.
24Reading Is For Chumps
Parenting tip: Don't teach your kids to read so they'll never know when you skip pages while reading to them.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 31, 2016
Works like a charm.
25Enjoy These Moments
My baby thinks I'm hilarious. But he also thinks sneezing is hilarious, so I'm not letting it go to my head.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 28, 2016
Hey, it still counts.
26Donuts Solve Everything
My son woke up, grabbed a donut & got back in bed.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 30, 2016
It's hard to be mad when you're met with brilliance.
I can't blame him.
If you've ever been in a barroom brawl you know exactly what it's like to sleep with a toddler— Mr. Hook™ (@Phook75) August 31, 2016
Sounds like a blast, doesn't it?
Today's parenting strategy: Here's a bag of Cheetos and some peanut butter. Stay alive.— pengirl45 (@pengirl45) August 29, 2016
I bet your kids are thrilled.
Planning a family outing is just deciding which activity will lead to the least amount of complaining from the least number of people.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 29, 2016
And then instantly regretting your decision.