31 Hilarious Parenting Tweets That Perfectly Capture Parenthood
Ah, the joys of parenthood. Being a mom is probably the only job that requires you to balance a toddler in one arm and simultaneously clean smeared tomato sauce off the ceiling with the other. When it comes to taking care of your kids, daily occurrences can often times feel as if they're straight out of a horror movie. Thankfully, what makes the job seem a little easier is knowing that you're never alone, and that there are other moms dealing with the same shenanigans as you. And that's especially clear when you dig through the plethora of funny parenting tweets.
Don't get me wrong. The majority of the time, most moms and dads agree that being a parent is awesome. However, right after your 1-year-old son has a meltdown because you won't let him use your iPhone as a teething toy, you begin to daydream about the days where the majority of your clothes were free of any major throw-up stains, and the nights you were able to sleep for more than 4-and-a-half hours at a time.
Parenthood is no doubt extremely difficult, but it can be refreshing to laugh at the hardships that the job entails. These tweets will remind you that you aren't the only mom undergoing the tantrums, trials, and triumphs that you're forced to deal with each and every day.
1Thanks, But No Thanks
If you suffer from low blood pressure, I have a 2nd grader who needs help with her homework.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) April 7, 2016
Is there any task more aggravating than explaining long division to an eight-year-old?
2A Dangerous Mission
Are you both still alive?— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) April 11, 2016
-me, from the other room, after hearing my kids fighting
They're fighting over a McDonald's toy. No chance I'm intervening.
3Can You Blame Him?
I'm sorry we were late for school, but my 6yo really needed to blow on all the dandelions in the yard before we could come in.— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 6, 2016
It's a daily occurrence.
4Where Can I Sign Up?
There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 12, 2016
My 2-year-old has kept me up for three nights. I can't even think of a more desirable vacation destination.
My kids arguing about insignificant shit is my favorite reason to start happy hour 6 hours early.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 9, 2016
There's a reason you keep a bottle of white wine stocked in my fridge at all times.
6It's The Little Things
Well I just finished telling someone how much I love my new padded toilet seat so I guess this is who I am now.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 11, 2016
Last week my kid flushed a box of crayons down the toilet. I respect your excitement 100 percent.
7I'm No Einstein, Buddy
3: Mom, what's DNA?— Tiffany Hunter (@lifeattiffanys) April 5, 2016
Me: It's this spiral, umm, inside you. Made of cells. I mean, inside your cells. It like, says stuff... Here ask google.
How am I supposed to know?!
8Cute But Dangerous
You'd think it would be impossible to get angry at a tiny, adorable, harmless little baby.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 11, 2016
But you'd be wrong.
9Why Even Bother Arguing?
Men: If a woman says "first of all" during an argument, run away because she has prepared research, data, charts, and she will destroy you.— Hey, Nurse!!!! (@Drumnurse) April 11, 2016
I can confirm. This is true.
*sings "happy birthday, mister president" while eating leftover cake in the bathtub*— Jess (@jessokfine) April 12, 2016
One of the up-sides to throwing your toddler a Frozen-themed birthday party: leftover birthday cake.
11You Win Some, You Lose Some
Outcomes from letting kids craft w/ glitter— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 9, 2016
1. Kid's teacher may think you're a stripper
2. All objects in vicinity of craft must be burned
Glitter can often have disastrous effects.
12Getting Older By The Minute
I'm 156 yrs old in "waiting for toddler to fall asleep" minutes.— GurleyMan30 (@gamecox93) April 12, 2016
TBH this is how "age" should normally be calculated.
13Mom Knows Best
Kids wanted to have ice cream for breakfast, and now I know my legacy will continue after I'm gone— Suburbia_Mommy (@runner_mom2) April 6, 2016
14Should Have Seen That Coming
Please don't spi[SPILLS IT EVERYWHERE]ll it.— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 11, 2016
Just about sums it up.
15Why Oh Why
My daughter just asked me if popcorn is bread. I'm taking her back to the hospital for a refund.— Trophy Knife (@sarah1mc) April 11, 2016
Who am I raising?!
16Romantic Night In
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 11, 2016
Who even has time for romance anymore?
17Is Spring Break Over Yet?
Getting a kid to do homework over vacation is like trying to hold in a fart: the intentions are good, but ultimately, it's just not possible— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) April 7, 2016
Any parent who can successfully coerce a child into finishing homework during vacation deserves a medal. Period.
18I Can't Do This
90% of parenting is bailing your kids out of trouble after they turn 30.— Thrill Tweeter (@Thrill_Tweeter) April 12, 2016
If this is what the future holds, I'm scared.
Parenthood is all about telling your kids to use their inside voice while you continually yell at them using your outside voice.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 12, 2016
20Liar Liar Pants On Fire
I'd like to invite whoever said, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger to hang out with my kids for an afternoon.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 7, 2016
One afternoon. One.
Whatever doesn't kill you will make you wish you could stay asleep until your kid turns at least 18.
Thanks for the parenting tip, kidless single guy. I'll get right on that.— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) April 3, 2016
Do you have a kid? No? Then why are you speaking?
Please keep my 10 month old in your thoughts, she is having a tough time as she has just been asked not to put applesauce in her ears.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 7, 2016
This is a difficult time, but I know she'll make it through.
23Why Didn't I Think Of That
Me: Looks like you used half the jar of jam on your toast— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 11, 2016
6yo: Are you jealous?
Why do 6-year-olds always come up with the best ideas?
For someone who is responsible for the lives and well-being of 3 children, I get freaked out a lot thinking inanimate objects are bugs.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) April 10, 2016
Lack of sleep will do that to you.
25First Date Blues
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 11, 2016
I don't even know what a "date" is anymore.
26At Least It's Important
Whenever my kid urgently yells, "MOM!!!!!" there's a 99% chance he just needs to tell me the plot of a cartoon he watched last week.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 12, 2016
I know more about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than I know about the next presidential election.
27He Gets It
Being a mother is the hardest job there is.— Rupert Pupkin (@citizenkawala) April 12, 2016
I mean, I tried to drink that much wine but I just couldn’t keep up.
Wine Wednesday exists for a reason.
With kids, I don't even ask why things are sticky anymore. I just assume everything is sticky. Sticky is now my default.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 1, 2016
It could be glue or it could be spilt apple juice. You'll never really know.
The Young & the Restless: A daytime drama about nap time.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 5, 2016
*Starring* Everyone's Toddlers
I would watch that.
30The Struggle Is Real
Whenever I'm feeling like I need a nap I just go fold everyone's laundry and suddenly I'm not tired anymore, I'm suicidal.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 11, 2016
So much laundry. So little time.
31Soup Is Soup
Some moms make their sick kids home made chicken soup. I just microwaved some ramen noodles, because...close enough.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 10, 2016
Realistically most of it will end up in your 2-year-old's hair, anyway.