31 Perfect Parenting Tweets From Twitter's Most Hysterical Parents
Parenting a toddler can sometimes feel like a bad dream that you never really wake up from: you suffer through hour-long tantrums, your laundry pile never seems to shrink and despite the copious amounts of coffee you drink, you still feel like you might pass out at any given second. Everything within your reach, including your toddler's hands, the kitchen floor, and even your own clothes feel vaguely sticky, no matter how many hours you spend washing and scrubbing. Worst of all, there's a questionable brown substance on the kitchen floor that might be pudding, but most likely is something far worse. To cheer you up (and help you retain what's left of your sanity), we have for you another week's round-up of hysterical parenting tweets from Twitter's funniest parents.
You might feel like you're at the end of your rope, which is understandable, given you've collectively gotten no more than six hours of sleep the past couple of nights. To remind yourself that being a parent really is the greatest job in the world (and one of the funniest, too), it's best you take a break from the grind to scroll through these priceless tweets we've compiled for you. And when you're done, you might want to finally wipe that weird brown substance off of the kitchen floor.
1. DiCaprio Or Da Vinci?
Me: If you work really hard you can become anything you want— Independence Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 7, 2016
7: A ninja turtle
M: Well I meant something re-
M: And we're done
At least you tried.
2. Why Else?
There is a half-eaten piece of toast on the back seat of my car because I have kids.— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 8, 2016
There's also an array of granola bar wrappers and a half-eaten pudding cup hidden under the seat.
Oh, your kids' pool toys are educational & BPA-free? Mine are playing with a cocktail shaker & throwing water-soaked tampons at each other.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 3, 2016
Who's the real winner here?
4. Been There, Done That
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) July 5, 2016
I hope you chose Elsa.
5. Bathroom Blues
Forgot to specify where my 3 yr old should spit while brushing his teeth and now the bathroom counter looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.— Gabe Serra (@gabeserra) July 8, 2016
On the bright side, you just might have a future world-famous artist on your hands.
Most of the validation I get these days comes from answering the questions on children's shows correctly.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) July 5, 2016
That's what happens after watching eight straight hours of Nick Jr.
7. Have A Great Summer, Son
[dropping son off at camp]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 3, 2016
9: I'll miss you
me: We'll miss you too buddy
9: I'll call every night
me: We won't answer
Me as a parent.
8. Yes, Yes We Can
Can we all just agree that none of us have any clue what we're doing?— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) July 7, 2016
Kids are fighting - 5 would like to use some toilet paper, 4 wants the toilet paper to stay in the cabinet, where it lives with its family.— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) July 3, 2016
Your youngest does have a point.
10. How Could She?
My daughter just said "Eww, cheese!" So I put her out on the curb with a 'free' sign on her.— Corners (@AverageCorners) July 7, 2016
Are you sure she's really your daughter?
My hefty body mass beats my kids' speed and agility every single time there is only one Oreo left. Survival of the f̶i̶t̶t̶e̶s̶t̶ fattest.— Kandy Mins (@CallousBalzac) July 5, 2016
Hell hath no fury like a mom who's craving sugar.
12. The Joys Of Summer Camp
My son's laundry from camp last week was just three items of clothing and a towel inside a bag of dirt.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 5, 2016
At least your laundry load was lighter, though, right?
It isn't officially summer until your kids are surviving on nothing but hot dogs and watermelon.— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) June 6, 2016
That pretty much sums it up.
14. Please, Please Just Stop
I was just forced to listen to my 3 yr old count to 100. That's 4 hours of my life I'm never getting back.— Señor Poopy Pants (@gamecox93) July 4, 2016
Sounds like a nightmare.
My daughter wanted to know what it was like being a mom, so I sat criss cross apple sauce while she used the bathroom and sang her a song.— LiveListRepeat (@livelistrepeat) July 3, 2016
Did you make sure to add in a tantrum mid-song for the full effect?
16. No Sleep, No Problem?
My child is literally holding her eyes open to keep from sleeping in case you were thinking you'd get more sleep after the newborn phase.— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) July 7, 2016
Spoiler alert: you won't sleep for the next decade.
17. The Start To A Great Day
I picked a shopping cart that ran smooth and true. Today's gonna be a great day!— Greg Reckons (@gregreckons) July 7, 2016
The littlest of things start to excite you once you become a parent.
18. There's Always More Poop
Sometimes I just can't handle any more poop.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 6, 2016
--A person who will probably change 3 more poopy diapers by bedtime.
The diapers never, ever end.
19. Twice The Drama
The cool thing about having two kids is that when one isn't crying, the other one is.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) July 5, 2016
And when both aren't crying, they're either fighting or pooping.
20. Candyland Conundrum
Sorry I keep quoting The Art of War but I take Candyland very seriously, son.— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) July 6, 2016
Board games are no joke.
21. Are You Crazy?
When friends or family ask me if I'm going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) July 6, 2016
I prefer to keep my sanity, thank you.
22. Use Your Imagination, Kids
You want a playdate? Put a hat on your sister and pretend she's someone else.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) July 7, 2016
Playdates are overrated.
My husband woke up and ran 3 miles but I woke up and straightened my hair so I'd say we're both pretty committed to physical improvement.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 7, 2016
Marriage is truly about balance.
24. Just Horsing Around
6-year-old: We don't have enough horses.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2016
Me: We don't have any horses.
6: See the problem?
Well, she does have a point.
25. Coffee Or Sleep?
I finally figured out that if I want to have a hot, peaceful cup of coffee before my kids wake up I have to set my alarm for 3am.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) July 6, 2016
Unfortunate, but true.
26. Please, Not Again
9: Mom come look!— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 7, 2016
Me: It's not poop, is it?
9: PROMISE. No poop THIS time.
Have kids. It's never weird or gross at all.
If it's not poop, then it's either a booger or a weird-looking mosquito bite.
27. Thanks, But No Thanks
There's nothing like holding a baby to remind you that you don't want another one.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 5, 2016
The best birth control out there.
28. New Day, No Dignity
Parenthood is void of dignity like, "Don't worry about me for dinner. I'll just eat this gallon of rice I found in my baby's pants."— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) July 7, 2016
Children's artwork is like mail. It covers my tables, keeps accumulating and it's hard to tell what to throw away.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 4, 2016
You love your kids, but loving all of their artwork is a little harder.
30. Move Over, Trump
My 6yo said "You're fired!" when I forgot her vitamin and based on that alone I'm confident she'd make a better president than Donald Trump.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) July 7, 2016
I wholeheartedly agree.
31. Sound Logic
4-year-old: I don't want to be a mermaid anymore.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2016
Me: What made you change your mind?
4: I like socks.
Socks over mermaids, any day.