It's a humid July afternoon and you've just spent your entire day in a pee-infested public pool watching your kids belly-flop off the high dive. Why? Because you're a mom, of course. Now that your kids are out of school, your entire summer is dedicated to wiping melted popsicle stains off your kid's cheeks, and you officially have little to no time for yourself. Luckily, to get you through your summertime woes, we have another round-up of this week's funniest parenting tweets for you to sift through.
Your life (and your kids) might sometimes feel like a giant mess of sticky fingers and hour-long tantrums, but these funny Twitter parents totally understand your frustrations and know exactly what you're going through. Nothing tests a mom's patience quite like parenting a kid during the summer, when the weather is hot and the days seem to drag on endlessly. When afternoons spent at the pool feel just a little too long, or your laundry pile just doesn't seem to shrink no matter how how many pairs of mismatched socks you wash, it might make you feel better to remember that there is always a mom out there that is having a day just as difficult as you are.
A Parent's Day— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) June 29, 2016
50% Preparing to go somewhere
49% Preparing to leave somewhere
This pretty much sums up parenting.
2. Kindergarten Problems
I love the innocent irony of my 5yo telling me who in her class is the biggest tattletale.— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) June 24, 2016
Like mother, like daughter.
3. Not Again
Do you have to pee before we go?— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 27, 2016
Why don't you just try?
[backs out of driveway]
I PEED IN MY PANTS
Every. Single. Time.
4. Lemonade For Sale
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 27, 2016
It's better that they learn this lesson now rather than later.
5. Thanks, Kid
"Oh! Your swimsuit comes with its own boobs!"— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
-7yo pointing out my padded top to everyone at the pool
Your 7-year-old is a savage.
Nah, I'm not dead. That's just how I look now.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 30, 2016
Said every parent ever.
7. Safety First
"If your butt ever catches on fire, get in the shower and put it under water. BUT ONLY COLD WATER."— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 1, 2016
-My 5yo demonstrating a promising future
You should be very, very proud.
8. Why Oh Why
"I think I'll turn on the tv and walk away for six hours."— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) June 30, 2016
There's a reason why the theme song of Dora the Explorer has been stuck in your head for a week now.
I don't lose my shit until like, the 17th "MOMMY WATCH THIS" so yes, I practice peaceful parenting.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 29, 2016
It's like kids are purposely trying to drive us all crazy.
10. Thanks Again
"I just think it's weird that you have so much white hair. That's kind of a grandma thing."— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
-7yo, and current least favorite child
Kids: Raising your self-esteem one day at a time.
11. No More Balloons, Please
A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment:— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016
3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon
57 minutes of crying after it pops
Balloons truly do more harm than good.
I spend an inordinate amount of my summer yelling at my kids & making a deliberate effort to not call them by the dogs' names— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) June 30, 2016
It's a common mistake.
13. Crisis Averted
Turning every TV in the house to top volume so the kids can't hear the ice cream truck pass by takes far less energy than you'd think.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 30, 2016
Time well spent.
Parenthood is for people who want to give someone else the last bite of every food they'll ever eat, forever and ever.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) July 1, 2016
Sounds great, doesn't it?
15. Living The Dream
Parenting is a lot like talking to automated phone attendant. You're hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 30, 2016
Probably the most accurate comparison out there.
16. How About No
8: Can we go to the pool?— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 29, 2016
Me: We could if I felt like standing in pee while you repeatedly almost bash your head open while "somersaulting"
The pool: every parent's nightmare.
17. Works Like A Charm
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) June 28, 2016
I WILL RAP!
- how I threaten my kids
Chilling to the core.
18. Thank Heavens
There's no relief quite like seeing the word "washable" on the side of a marker your toddler is holding.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 30, 2016
Especially after discovering that my kid drew all over the kitchen walls.
19. Lost And Found
8: I wish someone would invent an app that could find things I lost or misplaced.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) June 30, 2016
Me: They did. They're called eyes. Try opening that app.
They come in handy every once in a while.
20. Please Let Me Sleep
Just when I think things are settling down and I got this parenting thing down, my kids wake up and ask for breakfast.— LiveListRepeat (@livelistrepeat) June 30, 2016
21. Nighttime Drama
"I'll definitely convince mom that I'm not tired by yelling, screaming, and crying that I'm not tired."— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 25, 2016
What are they thinking?
22. Those Were The Days
I wish I loved anything as much as my 4-year-old loves pretending she's a mermaid in less than a foot of water.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) June 29, 2016
And then you grow up and all you really get excited about is getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
Marriage is just putting on a movie then looking to the other end of the couch and asking "You still awake?" every 10 minutes until it ends.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 1, 2016
Marriage is thrilling.
24. It's True
FYI: If there is something on the floor that can crumble into a million pieces, a toddler will step on it 1 second before you can get to it.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 27, 2016
It's a scientific fact.
25. Absolutely Tragic
Thoughts & prayers for my son, who still hasn't figured out how to make fart noises with his armpit.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 26, 2016
Our thoughts and prayers are with him.
26. Beach Day Blues
Take your kids to the beach so they can displace 80% of the world's beach sand into their shoes and other people's eyes.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 29, 2016
Sounds like a blast!
I save my fancy wine glasses for special occasions.... like folding laundry on a Sunday night.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 27, 2016
28. Never Grow Up
My son turns 13 tomorrow. I'm really sad about it because after today I'll have to pay extra for an adult movie ticket.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 1, 2016
I am so, so sorry.
29. Another Day, Another Tantrum
My toddler just threw a tantrum because she didn't want ice cream inside her ice cream cone, as if I needed any more reason to drink today.— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) June 30, 2016
You really can never win with toddlers.
30. Sticky Situation
It takes 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, but my 3 yr old can get it stuck to his underwear in less than one.— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) June 30, 2016
It's an acquired skill.
31. Summertime Sadness
One month into my kids' summer vacations, and I'm already at the end of my nope.— Mommy_Owl (@Lhlodder) June 29, 2016
Aren't we all?