35 Hysterical Parenting Tweets From Twitter's Funniest Parents
If you're a parent, then you definitely understand what it feels like to never have enough hours in a day, and you can most likely feel the gray hairs forming on your head during each and every argument between your toddler and your 5-year-old. Any hour of extra sleep you can manage feels like a gift from the gods; squeezing in a manicure every couple of months seems like a superhuman feat. Through the midst of this craziness, however, one can certainly see the humor in it all, which is made especially clear through this week's set of funniest parenting tweets, written by some of Twitter's most hilarious parents.
Your life may feel like it's in constant chaos, whether this be in the form of your toddler's disarrayed play room or the endless pile of dirty dishes in the sink that never seems to shrink. Despite the madness, never forget that being a parent is one of the greatest jobs in the world, even if it requires a little less sleep and a lot more caffeine. If you're in need of a morale boost, take some time to scroll through these hilarious parenting tweets, because laughter can often times be the cure to an overly hectic lifestyle.
1. Never Again
Tried to be the cool mom.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 1, 2016
Got talked into a bounce house.
Everything hurts now.
Been there. Tried that.
Hell hath no fury like a teenager who is trying to finish a week's worth of homework on the way to school.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 3, 2016
You really have to admire their determination.
3. Let Me Sleep
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 24, 2016
Don't wake us up early on the weekend and we won't abandon you in a mall
Sounds fair to me.
My house is like an I Spy book, but with food that my kids have hidden in obscure places.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 2, 2016
It's all fun and games until you find a a wedge of cheese lodged under the couch cushions.
5. How Evil
My superpower is being able to ruin my kids day just by making him put on socks— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 29, 2016
Or any article of clothing, for that matter.
Between work, cooking, laundry, cleaning, daughters & granddaughter, I have 7 minutes to do whatever I want in the evenings. Be jealous.— Jandalize (@Jandalize) May 3, 2016
Sometimes even 10 minutes, if you're lucky.
7. Sound Logic
*before school— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 2, 2016
Kids: Why do we have to go to school? It's so boring!
Me: What're you guys doing?
Kids: We're playing school
This is one thing I'll never understand.
8. Makes Sense To Me
Me: Why do you keep throwing your food on the floor??— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 3, 2016
3yo: Because the ceiling is too high.
Well, I can't argue with that.
9. Why Oh Why
Please put your butt away.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 2, 2016
- Something I say way more often than I ever hoped or dreamed I would.
10. A Phone Call Away
What's more absurd: that I just found myself wishing my 5yo had a phone so I could ask him something OR the idea that he'd actually answer?— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 3, 2016
Let's be real here. He wouldn't answer.
11. What's Your Secret?
6 eats Brussels sprouts.— Cinco de Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 3, 2016
He eats broccoli.
He eats spinach.
It doesn't take an exorcist to know he's possessed.
12. A Dangerous Place
And this corner of our house is called the "black hole"— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 2, 2016
-Points to playroom
Stay away. Stay far away.
13. Practice Makes Perfect
I'm thrilled 5yo likes little league & is learning abt teamwork & getting exercise & having fun BUT PLEASE GOD LET PRACTICE GET RAINED OUT!— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 3, 2016
Part of parenting is pretending that you enjoy sitting through soccer practice.
14. Toilet Paper Conundrum
I think my kids are having a secret contest to see who can use up rolls of toilet paper the fastest.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2016
They're probably both winning.
15. Not Again
Me: Why is your bedroom window open?— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 26, 2016
7: I had to pee.
Me: Oh...wait, what?
A parent's worst nightmare.
16. Headaches For Days
My 4yo has spent the entire day talking to me in only Disney movie quotes.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 2, 2016
I am so, so sorry.
I can't think straight.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 1, 2016
-Me every day since I have had kids.
And you probably won't think straight until they've finally moved out.
18. Lunch Time Blues
3-year-old: *pouts*— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2016
Me: Is something wrong with your lunch?
3: It's too wet.
Me: It's soup.
You can never win with 3-year-olds.
19. Totally Worth It
Kids are fun when they aren't drawing on everything, leaving toys everywhere, peeing on stuff, melting down...— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 2, 2016
about 5% of the time
More like 3 percent of the time.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 29, 2016
Well, he has to learn sometime.
21. Rookie Mistake
I committed to a party theme 4 months before my daughter's birthday like I'm some kind of amateur.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 2, 2016
You win some, you lose some.
22. Told You So
Friends (before kids): Dude why are you so tired all the time just get more sleep— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 2, 2016
Friends (after kids): I GET IT NOW I TOTALLY GET IT
If you don't have kids, you just don't get it.
23. Netflix Is Life
"Mommy, I love Netflix. Even more than I love you."— Val W The Good Hair (@ValeeGrrl) April 30, 2016
-A child whose poop I've cleaned off the walls
Can you blame him?
I just folded all the laundry like some efficient housewife setting impossibly high standards for women everywhere.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 26, 2016
Teach me your ways.
25. Way Too Long
So how many years have you been silently mouthing "WTF" to yourself?— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 30, 2016
-My way of asking parents how old their kids are.
My 6yo calls me "awkward" and "weird" so often that now he's changed it to "awkweird" to save time.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 27, 2016
At least he's efficient.
27. A Daily Occurrence
5yo came into our bed at 6:30 saying she was tired so we should all keep sleeping. Which was something we discussed for the next hour.— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) April 30, 2016
This is why parents can never sleep in on weekends.
28. Mother's Day Problems
The only thing my kids are likely to give me for Mother's Day is more gray hair.— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) May 2, 2016
And more dishes to wash.
29. Sounds Like Me
"I want a snack." - my kids, while they're eating— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) April 25, 2016
Can you blame them, though?
30. Grocery Shopping Nightmare
So The Fast and the Furious isn't about grocery shopping with your toddler?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 2, 2016
It's not, but it should be.
31. Sad But True
Marriage and children. It’s a gin-gin situation.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) April 30, 2016
Alcohol exists for a reason.
32. Donuts Cure Everything
9: I don't feel well.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) May 2, 2016
Me: You just have the Mondays.
9: What helps the Mondays go away?
7: I have the Mondays, too!!!
Pretty sure I have the Mondays, too.
33. Making Mom Proud
Not sure what the honor roll is but my daughter knew how to reject a phone call at 18 months old.— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) May 2, 2016
It's a pretty big accomplishment, if you ask me.
34. No Social Life, No Problem
After becoming a parent you gradually show up later and later to things until you never see anyone ever again.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 30, 2016
35. Aren't We All?
I'm just tired, from being tired, of being tired.— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) April 27, 2016
Parenting in a nutshell.