37 Hilarious Parenting Tweets From Twitter's Funniest Parents
Did you spend your morning carpooling your bickering kids to school, and your afternoon fishing the maple syrup from today's breakfast disaster out of your hair? Good. Then you are just in time to scroll through this week's round-up of funniest parenting tweets.
Being a mom is no doubt the most difficult job out there. You almost never get recognition for all of the endless hours of laundry, cooking and cleaning you do, and often times your effort goes unnoticed or feels under-appreciated. For instance, no matter how many hours you slave in the kitchen cooking dinner, your 6-year-old will always seem to prefer macaroni and cheese. Luckily, there are millions of others out there who understand exactly how you're feeling: all of the hilarious parents on Twitter, who are more than happy to share a few of their hilarious — and sometimes horrifying — parenting experiences or stories.
It's probably been a long and strenuous week, but luckily with the weekend right around the corner you'll finally have some extra time to sit back, relax, and maybe even sleep in. Wait, just kidding. Moms never really get to sleep in -- at least not while you're raising a toddler.
*uses meltdown as inspiration for an adult colouring book*— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 4, 2016
Actually pretty peeved I didn’t think of this first.
2. In My Dreams
There's no better feeling than waking up to a clean kitchen, at least that's what I've heard.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 12, 2016
Maybe one day I’ll experience this firsthand.
3. Sound Logic
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can't argue with her logic regarding intruders.— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) May 7, 2016
Can you blame her?
4. *Pats Back*
There is nothing like a 4am screaming baby to make me pat myself on the back for my life choices.— Oh Lanada (@Lani_Hayden) May 7, 2016
You deserve a medal of some sort.
Just found 2 butterfingers, a KitKat, and a chocolate cake in my gym bag. Clearly I'm quite committed to healthy living.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 9, 2016
6. It's The Little Things
Once you were a bright-eyed kid with a world of possibilities ahead of you, and now you're a grown adult who looks forward to garbage day.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 11, 2016
We all have to grow up eventually.
7. Get Me Out Of Here
Funny how it's called "Party City" but you don't want to be in there more than 5 minutes.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 7, 2016
Even three minutes is pushing it.
Me: Your job is to pick everything up off the floor.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 10, 2016
Me: Because you're closer to the ground than I am.
Can't argue with that logic.
It's nap time, I should be productive. Instead, I'm FaceBook stalking and feeling very proud of myself for not marrying certain individuals.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 10, 2016
Proud of you!
10. Could Be Worse
Parenting means that sometimes your entire breakfast is comprised solely of other people's french toast bread crusts.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 11, 2016
At least you didn't find it on the floor.
11. True Life
What's your tolerance for bullshit?— KC of TX (@kcmoore51) May 12, 2016
- me to people wanting to have kids
You better hope your tolerance is sky high.
12. Breakfast Of Champions
Wife: Is breakfast ready yet?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2016
Me: You can't rush home cooking.
Wife: You're making Pop-Tarts.
Me: I forgot to plug in the toaster.
Happens to the best of us.
Today I told someone to "stop by anytime" as if I was a person who could ever mean that.— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) May 3, 2016
Who were you kidding?!
14. Could've Been Me
6yo has worn a skateboarding glove on one hand for the last 3 days & I'm kinda pissed I haven't thought up such a great quirk for myself.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 11, 2016
Who knew 6-year-olds had such great style?
If I ask how school was on the walk home I get "Fine." If I ask at bedtime I get War and Peace.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 11, 2016
16. Rookie Mistake
"I'm glad you like it, there are lots of vegetables in there." I said. Because apparently this is my first day of parenting.— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) April 25, 2016
Whoops. Better luck next time.
If you've never licked nutella off of a butter knife and considered that breakfast, you must not have children.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 6, 2016
And you probably have more dignity than I do.
18. I'm A Cool Mom
My kid is out wearing an orange shirt and hot pink shorts but says I'M the uncool one?— jan (@RtrJan) May 12, 2016
What kind of logic is that?!
19. Sorry Not Sorry
My kids are going to be really sorry if all these empty threats ever fill up.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 6, 2016
They better watch out.
20. Why Oh Why
Just once I want to go though a self check-out line without one of my kids scanning their head.— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) May 8, 2016
They'll grow out of it one day. Hopefully.
If you like damp hairless puppies who howl for no reason and never poop in the same place twice, you'll LOVE babies.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 12, 2016
Sounds like a blast.
22. Wet Wipes For Days
All I'm saying is that I respect you more if you keep wet wipes in your bathroom— Ollkast (@dulcetry) May 11, 2016
23. That's Reassuring
The upside to adulthood is that once your life has completely fallen apart, your body starts to go too.— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) May 11, 2016
Good to know things always get better!
24. Sit And Stay
*points at your toddler— Dire Beard (@dire_beard) May 9, 2016
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me as a parent.
25. Dream Big
Watching your kids grow into adults is rewarding, but there's nothing like finally being able to own a mattress without pee stains.— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) May 11, 2016
There is no greater gift.
26. Marriage Summed Up
"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
27. Everything Ends In Tears
When my kids laugh this hard together, I know we're moments away from one of them crying.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 10, 2016
It’s like a ticking time bomb.
28. 100% Accurate
Slowest moving things in the world:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 9, 2016
1) My kids getting ready for school in the morning
I can confirm.
I've been poked with a stick to see if I'm alive more times than I'd like to admit.— David David Katzman (@AGreaterMonster) May 11, 2016
Being a parent does that to you.
30. How About No
No, by all means, go ahead and throw an elaborate graduation party for your kindergartener.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 11, 2016
I silently judge any parent that does this.
A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 9, 2016
32. Help Me
If it's got sprinkles, frosting or powdered sugar, you're supposed to eat it over the carpet.— Suki (@skickwriter) May 11, 2016
Pretty much sums it up.
10yo to me: You know what's the best part about eating Cheetos? Cheeto fingers.— LiveListRepeat (@livelistrepeat) May 10, 2016
I'm glad I've taught her the finer things in life.
Is she wrong, though?
34. Oh No
What I said: Shh...baby's sleeping!— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 4, 2016
What my 4yo heard: Push an avalanche of matchbox cars down the stairs and set off a fire truck siren.
Pretty much the same thing, right?
35. Wise Words
First piece of advice I will give my son is to never get between a woman and her food.— Is This Jagjit? (@JustThatSikhBoy) May 10, 2016
36. Not Again
It's really easy to drop your kids off at school after having to endure an argument of "No, YOU'RE uglier."— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 11, 2016
I can feel the gray hairs growing after every drive to school.
37. Life On The Edge
I took the whole family with me to the grocery store because I'm kind of crazy like that.— Iwan (@IwanWil) May 8, 2016
You rebel, you.