In the past couple years, I've noticed a trend on my Facebook feed and in the Internet think pieces I read: countless treatises in praise of introverts. There's so much talk about why introverts are the best. Now, I am without a doubt an extrovert, but I'm cool with any group of people highlighting their virtues. I'm especially cool with an underrepresented group (like the usually less-outspoken introverts) highlighting their virtues. Moreover, I can absolutely see the real value in some of these pieces in their ability to let the extroverts of the world know, "Hey, we introverts communicate and function in different ways. Let me tell you about it." Great stuff; so what's the problem?
So, so many of these pieces hinge themselves on the fine qualities of introverts in contrast to extroverts, who are painted as prattling, oafish, self-absorbed dummies. Dudes. Come on. You're better than that. And, sorry, but you don't get to corner the market on being deep, thoughtful, and good listeners.
When it comes down to it, very few people are complete introverts or total extroverts. Most people are a varied mix of both with tendencies toward one or the other. But since I feel I've seen so many glowing reviews of introverts, I'd like, if I may, to extol the virtues of my fellow extroverts... and how that relates to our sexual prowess.
Oh yeah. It just got real.
Extroverts have a lot to bring to the table (or to whatever surface you're going to get nasty on). We're not a bunch of one-dimensional, brassy partiers with no interest in genuine human connection. We do want to connect with people on a deep level... and sometimes we also we want to connect our genitals with other peoples' genitals in a mutually beneficial way, and sometimes that may be deep and sometimes it's not, but either way it's going to be a blast. Here are some qualities your garden variety extrovert will possess that will make you happy to know them... and by "know" I of course mean "bang."
We're Vocal And Assertive
Extroverts tend toward the "Chatty Cathy" end of the talkativeness spectrum. As such, when it comes to sex — both leading up to and during the act — we're probably down with giving you a play by play on how things are going and how we'd like them to go, which is great on a couple levels.
Level 1: Enthusiastic, continuous consent!
Level 2: Honest feedback and offering continuous chances for you to let us know what you need!
Level 3: Possible dirty talk!
We're Very Interested In Making Sure Everyone Has A Good Time
Since we are gregarious by nature, we tend to want to nurture positive social interactions by ensuring that everyone involved in any given situation is having a good time. I can think of no better outlet for this attitude than in the boudoir.
We Are Constantly Seeking New Experiences
We Are Energized By Other People
The fact that we're interacting with you at all is charging our mental and physical batteries. We're jazzed. Human interaction is like espresso for our souls*. That energy translates in places where it counts.
(*Espresso for Our Souls sounds like a mid-'90s Seattle coffee shop where the coffee is so earnest and authentic that it's off-putting and you go every morning to flirt with a pretentious barista named Wind who inexplicably spends literally all of their time there cross-legged on the counter playing a pan flute. You honestly don't know how they weren't fired, like, months ago.)
Some Of Us Are Actually Really Smart
Too many of those "Hooray Introverts!" lists categorize extroverts as intellectually incurious morons who flit about life thinking exclusively about balloons and the Kardashians and how to make introverts feel crappy or uncomfortable with our aggressive outgoingness. Look, we're not all inherently dumber or more shallow than introverts. Some of us are actually really smart. And, of course, as we all know, smart is sexy. Everyone knows the most erotic organ in the human body is the brain. (The nipples follow a close second, but the brain edges them out, definitely.) Combine smart with extroverted charm and charisma? Sexy AF. And hey, if you do wind up in bed with a dumb extrovert, focus on the nipples. Work with what you've got, yo.
So continue to praise the introverts, ladies and gents. They're mighty fine people. But don't forget to give some love to the extroverts, too... because we'll give it back to you, and it will be mindblowing.
Images: Allison Gore/Romper; Giphy(8)