One of the (many) unexpected pleasures of motherhood are that so many more jokes I hear are now relevant. Sitcoms, stand-up comics, my favorite magazines and websites…everyone seems to be constantly finding things to laugh about when it comes to parenting. And finally, I can laugh along with them. Some of my favorites? Jokes about sleep deprivation, picky eaters, and how babies behave a lot like drunken adults – babbling, stumbling, needing help putting their pajamas on. And of course, the need for help with their bodily functions.
Seriously though, diapers just come with the territory, there’s nothing we can do about it. At least, nothing I can think of would be acceptable in public so we’re pretty much stuck with them. And while I personally think the squishy, bulky, roly-poly look of a (clean!) diaper under baby pants can be pretty damn cute, unfortunately pretty much everything else about diapers is lame. My toddler is now at the stage where he doesn’t want to sit still for changes, so I’m doing that thing where I let him run around naked as I chase after him and hope he doesn’t spray the carpet. Babies, amirite?! Here’s a look at the other not-so-awesome-things that happen when it comes to diapers. And, I hope you’re sitting down, they’re all pretty gross.
Leaks And Blowouts
Surprisingly, the most noticeable thing about leaks isn’t the wetness, it’s the warmth. For the brief, brief half-second of bliss, you think that your baby is just snuggling closer to you before you realize that’s entirely not the case. Speaking of leaks, does everyone know that you can pull onesies down from their shoulders and take them off over the legs? I didn’t learn this until my little was a few months old. It would have saved me lots of grief and lots of baby wipes.
Not to be confused with leaks, which happen while the diaper is still on, spills are when the contents of the diaper exit when said diaper is removed, and end up somewhere they’re not supposed to. Thankfully, most of my experiences with this one involve just the changing table and the floor, but still. It’s not...good.
The Waft Of The Open Diaper Genie
Brace yourselves for what most be the grossest story from the first year of my child’s life. If your gag reflex is sensitive, you’ve been warned.
During a routine morning diaper change, I tossed the baby’s old diaper and proceeded to fasten the new one cause it ain’t no thang. Related side note: I have allergies that can often flare up in the morning, so I was breathing through my mouth. As I continued with the totally-normal-diaper change, I found myself thinking, “I need to brush my teeth. My morning breath struggle is real this morning.” The gross taste in my mouth continued for a few moments before I realized that it wasn’t me, it was the fact that I was mouth-breathing the contents of last night’s dirty diaper.
That’s right: Mouth-breathing the contents of last night’s dirty diaper.
I brushed my teeth for approximately seventeen days straight.
Unidentifiable Stains On Your Clothing
Is it seeded mustard? Day-old banana mash? Prune puree? Straight-up poo? Only your child knows for sure, and he’s not talking. In fact, he’s silently laughing at you while you try to guess.
Public Changing Tables
Confession: I’ve don’t think I’ve ever actually used one of those plastic pull-down diaper changing tables in public restrooms. Something about knowing that countless other dirty baby diapers have been placed on them makes me feel squidgy. And yes, I know we can put a cover down, but still. It’s one thing for my baby and I to deal with his fluids, it’s another thing for me to put him someone haunted by the germs of diapers passed. My typical MO is to change him out in the car and then go wash hands and toss our trash. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep this up, but it’s worked well so far, so.
Your Baby Inspecting (And Trying To Play With) Their Diaper and Its Contents
So far, my little has only managed to kick at his diaper contents. However, I must give a shout-out and an Internet hug to those parents whose kiddos are old enough to use their hands, or worse, remove their diaper entirely. I know this happens more often than we want, which is to say, it happens at all. Hang in there, friends. Potty-training is just around the corner. And I hear that's totally easy and not gross at all!
Images: Fotolia; Giphy(6)