I found my “right” guy at a super young age, and was hitched before my 23rd birthday. (Please, save your eye rolls.) So, over the last seven years of young marriage, I’ve experienced what it’s like to grow and change within the confines of a relationship. I know how the changing seasons bring ebbs and flows to all aspects of our lives together, including our sex life.
Though there are many perks to having a long-term relationship (the intimacy makes for way better sex than a hot-and-heavy fling), it’s also tough to find new ways to keep your relationship exciting. It’s easy to settle into a routine — the same positions, the same moves — and it’s also easy to choose another episode of True Detective over some hanky-panky time. Our partner will always be there tomorrow, right?
When you share a life with someone, you share more than a bed. You share the stress, the struggles, and the exhaustion. So how do you keep a long-term relationship from losing the sexual spark that joined you together in the first place? Is it even possible?
I checked in with Rebecca Wong, a relationship therapist and coach based in New York, who works with couples through all sorts of sexual issues. And yes, it is possible to keep a marriage or live-in relationship hot and healthy, but Wong says you’ll need two things: focus and persistence.
“Now that you’ve been together awhile, perhaps the heat has fizzled,” says Wong, who also has a blog to help couples connect. “Well that’s because, like any flame, it needs to be fed. It sounds simple, but it’s not always easy.” She says it’s easy for distraction, daily habits, and even contempt to sneak into a relationship once the mystery fades and routines get set.
Focus and persistence doesn’t sound especially sexy, or even fun. (Can’t we try a little light bondage, instead?) But Wong says there are a few sex tips she’s seen re-spark almost any relationship.