It's almost time for everyone's favorite hot dog and explosion-centric holiday, Independence Day. The day when we celebrate our country by eating popsicles and partying outdoors. I'm all about it. I love summer, I love cookouts, and although we certainly have our issues (especially lately), I guess America's pretty cool, too. That's why it pains me so much when some people don't celebrate properly. I'm here to tell you about a few things you shouldn't post on Instagram for the Fourth of July, because some of them are just not pretty, and some might actually make you look bad.
Of course, your social media account is a way to express yourself, and anyone who doesn't want to see what you're posting can just unfollow. But we're talking about things that nobody wants to see. Think of this list as an extended "Psst, you have have spinach in your teeth." This isn't criticism; it's just me doing you a solid. Helping out a fellow human. Because nobody wants to be the person with spinach in their teeth, and posting something dumb or tone-deaf on social media is sort of like the digital version of that spinach, ya dig? Let's get to it.
Founding Father Stuff
Yeah, they created the country. And they wrote the Declaration of Independence and all that stuff. But honey, most of those dudes were also slave-owning bags of crap, so let's leave them out of this, OK?
Red, White, & Blue Food
I honestly thought Americans, as a nation, would have all gotten over Pinterest by now, but here they are. I'm not trying to hate on my country or anything, but honestly, red, white, and blue is a pretty garish color combination. And everyone knows that blue is an appetite suppressant. Aside from that, all those red, white, and blue foods are either a b*tch and a half to make (looking at you, flag cake), or they're just straight-up gross. Sugar cookies are what saltines eat when they're nauseous, and some of the red/white food combinations people come up with are just revolting: watermelon and feta? Jello and yogurt? Get out of here with that nonsense. Just serve bomb pops like a normal person.
"The flag should never be used as wearing apparel," states the U.S. Flag Code. Few Americans realize that this had nothing to do with respect for the flag and everything to do with the fact that it's not a good look.
Nobody wants to see your cousin lose another finger. Leave the fireworks to the professionals, please.
That OTHER Flag
This is neither the time nor the place for the Confederate flag. The correct time and place, if you're curious, was a brief period in the mid-1860s, south of the Mason-Dixon Line. And then they lost, and the other flag won.
I get it; fireworks are awesome. But here's the thing: much like a kindergartener who bares their teeth like a rabid wolf in school pictures, fireworks don't photograph well. The contrast between dark and light, the smoke, the distance, and the fact that the photographer is probably a little buzzed all contribute to one ugly picture. And even if it does come out perfect, it's just not that impressive. The point of fireworks is that they explode in the sky. They go boom! They appear and then they're gone! They could very well rain down on you and burn your hair! That all gets lost in a picture. Just skip it and enjoy the show with your family and friends.