6 Weird Things Women Do While They're Hooked Up To A Breast Pump

As if pumping isn’t a strange enough concept, the endless hours that we spend doing it can turn into a strange, surreal time. I mean, in what other circumstances do we need to be semi-undressed, hooked up to machinery, expelling bodily fluids? Wait, don’t answer that. If you're someone who doesn't know what it's like to use a breast pump, I don't to make you think about it too much. Enjoy these moments of bliss while you still can.

I wish there were more options for multi-tasking while pumping, but alas, I feel like I could barely spare a hand to play on my phone during the process. I was literally hands-on while the hypnotic, robotic rhythm of the pump motor either lulled me into a stupor, or forced me to distract myself however I could. Idea: Someone please find a way that moms can catch up on sleep while pumping. A significant population of the world would love you forever.

While my little is older now and I’m hardly ever pumping anymore, I can still vividly remember the effort it takes to not get frustrated when pumping was a regular part of my day. Here’s the scoop on how women who pump are spending their time:

Watch The Bottles Fill, Like Sand Through An Hourglass

I think it’s fair to say that until I started pumping, the interest I had in things that came out of my body was sporadic at best. But once I was pumping? I could not stop eyeing the measurements on the sides of those little plastic bottles. Watching my milk hit the first marker, the second and so on was like scrolling through Netflix and seeing new seasons of all your favorite shows: satisfying, soothing, and oh-so-seductive.

Listen To The Pump Talk To You In Human Words

I’ve written before about how the grind of the motor sounds like one-syllable words to me. In fact, as I write this, I’ve recently dusted off the pump after weeks in hibernation since I’m traveling without my kiddo right now. This time, the pump greeted me like an old friend with an encouraging churn that sounded like, “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

Pretend Like Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Is Happening At All. Nope, Nothing To See Here.

Have I ever texted you anything about the current career developments of former Disney child stars? Or maybe about awesome '80s movies being made into stage musicals? Surprise, I was distracting myself from pumping! Feel happy knowing that thoughts of you were sandwiched in between thoughts of my own nipples.

Attempt To Attach The Pump To You With Your Clothes

No matter how much you try, the horns don’t stay on if you try to stretch the fabric from your nursing tank top over them. We all just need to stop trying to make stretch happen. It’s not going to happen.

Entertain Yourself In Non-Motherly Ways

There is nothing sadder than a pumping mom who has dropped her phone out of reach. I exhausted my social media feeds, beat every level available to me in Plants vs. Zombies 2, and scanned almost every trending think piece about every hot Internet topic available — all during one pumping session. Nothing says motherhood like re-tweeting Justin Bieber jokes, watching cartoon zombie heads fall off, and reading about sex scandals.

Eat And Drink Because That's Totally Fine, Too

Multi-taskers, unite! If only we could fill our cars with gas while driving. With all the hours I've saved by eating while also pumping, I could do anything. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I have the meaning of life, the cure to cancer, and the opportunity to re-watch the entire series of Parks and Rec.