6 Weird Things Women Do While They're Hooked Up To A Breast Pump

Ad failed to load

As if pumping isn’t a strange enough concept, the endless hours that we spend doing it can turn into a strange, surreal time. I mean, in what other circumstances do we need to be semi-undressed, hooked up to machinery, expelling bodily fluids? Wait, don’t answer that. If you're someone who doesn't know what it's like to use a breast pump, I don't to make you think about it too much. Enjoy these moments of bliss while you still can.

I wish there were more options for multi-tasking while pumping, but alas, I feel like I could barely spare a hand to play on my phone during the process. I was literally hands-on while the hypnotic, robotic rhythm of the pump motor either lulled me into a stupor, or forced me to distract myself however I could. Idea: Someone please find a way that moms can catch up on sleep while pumping. A significant population of the world would love you forever.

While my little is older now and I’m hardly ever pumping anymore, I can still vividly remember the effort it takes to not get frustrated when pumping was a regular part of my day. Here’s the scoop on how women who pump are spending their time:

Ad failed to load

Watch The Bottles Fill, Like Sand Through An Hourglass


I think it’s fair to say that until I started pumping, the interest I had in things that came out of my body was sporadic at best. But once I was pumping? I could not stop eyeing the measurements on the sides of those little plastic bottles. Watching my milk hit the first marker, the second and so on was like scrolling through Netflix and seeing new seasons of all your favorite shows: satisfying, soothing, and oh-so-seductive.

Listen To The Pump Talk To You In Human Words


I’ve written before about how the grind of the motor sounds like one-syllable words to me. In fact, as I write this, I’ve recently dusted off the pump after weeks in hibernation since I’m traveling without my kiddo right now. This time, the pump greeted me like an old friend with an encouraging churn that sounded like, “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

Pretend Like Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Is Happening At All. Nope, Nothing To See Here.


Have I ever texted you anything about the current career developments of former Disney child stars? Or maybe about awesome '80s movies being made into stage musicals? Surprise, I was distracting myself from pumping! Feel happy knowing that thoughts of you were sandwiched in between thoughts of my own nipples.

Ad failed to load

Attempt To Attach The Pump To You With Your Clothes


No matter how much you try, the horns don’t stay on if you try to stretch the fabric from your nursing tank top over them. We all just need to stop trying to make stretch happen. It’s not going to happen.

Entertain Yourself In Non-Motherly Ways


There is nothing sadder than a pumping mom who has dropped her phone out of reach. I exhausted my social media feeds, beat every level available to me in Plants vs. Zombies 2, and scanned almost every trending think piece about every hot Internet topic available — all during one pumping session. Nothing says motherhood like re-tweeting Justin Bieber jokes, watching cartoon zombie heads fall off, and reading about sex scandals.

Eat And Drink Because That's Totally Fine, Too


Multi-taskers, unite! If only we could fill our cars with gas while driving. With all the hours I've saved by eating while also pumping, I could do anything. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I have the meaning of life, the cure to cancer, and the opportunity to re-watch the entire series of Parks and Rec.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

New Moms Have Two Options: Be "Sad & Fat" Or "Desperate & Thin"

As the line goes, the worst thing you could say about me, I've already thought about myself. In the early postpartum period with my son, it was: "I am overweight, lonely, and heartbroken." It was four days after I brought my son into the world, and I…
By Danielle Campoamor

6 Fascinating Facts About Spring Babies: You Could Have A Leader On Your Hands

Does the season in which you are born affect you or are all seasons pretty equal? It turns out that there are many ways in which the your child's birth season could give you an insight into things to come. Whether you are expecting a baby in the next…
By Shari Maurer

Kids Will Love These TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix In April

It's that time of the month again: as March draws to a close, Netflix gets ready for a little bit of spring cleaning. Though some TV shows and movies will have to find homes elsewhere, their departure makes room for all kinds of exciting new media. A…
By Megan Walsh

I'm A Stay-At-Home Mom &, Face It, These 11 Stereotypes Are Totally True

Hello, friends! It's me, your resident stay-at-home mom. You know, there's a lot that's said about me and my kind, and the vast majority of it is not even remotely true. For example, this whole "we're lazy, vapid, unambitious, anti-feminist, backstab…
By Jamie Kenney

The Pressure To Worry About The Gap Between Kids Is So Bad For Moms

"Two under two is absolutely crazy," a friend recently told me upon hearing the news that I was expecting a second child. "Why would you do this to yourself? Seriously, why?" However harsh her words, she was only echoing the same feelings I'd been ba…
By Marie Southard Ospina

To Be Honest, I Couldn't Survive Motherhood Without My Job

The decision to work outside the home once you've become a parent can be a complicated one. Some people don't really have a choice, and go back to work because they're either a single parent or can't sustain their family on one income. Some choose to…
By Priscilla Blossom

I Feel Guilty That My Kid’s Dad Is A Better Parent Than Me, & That’s BS

I was scared, and he was sure. I was clueless, and he was well-researched. I was making mistakes, and he was picking up the pieces. From the moment I found out I was pregnant until just last night, when I threw my hands up in the air and left the alw…
By Danielle Campoamor

These Millennial Parents Are Taking Gender-Neutral Parenting To An Entirely New Level

A woman on the subway looks at my bulbous shape and asks, “What are you having?” I take a deep breath and throw a glance to my 5-year-old. “I’m having a baby,” I say to the woman. “No, no” the woman says laughing as she pushes further. “Are you havin…
By Madison Young

My Daughter Is Obsessed With Being "Pretty" & I'm Way Past Terrified

Last week, when I picked up my daughter after school, she immediately wanted to know if I liked her hair. "Is it pretty?" she asked. Her hair was pulled up into two ponytails that were intertwined into thick, long braids. A shimmering pink and purple…
By Dina Leygerman

7 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 20s, But I Will

I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. The pregnancy was a surprise, since I was on birth control (side note: antibiotics and birth control don't mix), but my partner and I decided to continue with the pregnancy and committed to m…
By Candace Ganger

7 Things I Wish My Partner Had Said To Me In The First Hour After Giving Birth

I don't know if it was the buzz of the surrounding machines, the non-existent cry of our son as the doctors tried to resuscitate him, or the fact that I'd already been through labor and delivery once before, but I knew something was missing after I h…
By Candace Ganger

Moms’ Groups Weren’t For Me, Sorry

I go to my moms’ club everyday of the week, but not usually on weekends. My moms' group is a place I can always count on finding fellow mothers who understand the daily struggles and triumphs of parenthood and of juggling life’s responsibilities. Dep…
By Samantha Taylor

Millennial Women Are Getting Married Later Than Gen X, & The Reasons Why Are Pretty Badass

The battle of the generations seems to come up when it comes to every lifestyle or career choice people make. Women, especially, are an important demographic when it comes to analysts looking at the lifestyle choices we make or the expected milestone…
By Josie Rhodes Cook

I've Had 3 Miscarriages But *Please* Keep Telling Me About Your Pregnancy

I can feel the tension the moment my friend announces her pregnancy. I can hear the forced nonchalant attitude she's willing herself to exude as she fishes for the ultrasound. I know why I was the last to learn that she was expecting; why she keeps l…
By Danielle Campoamor

7 Early Signs You're Going To Need An Epidural, According To Experts

Even if you've constructed an elaborate birth plan, it's impossible to control every aspect of labor and delivery. Complications can occur, proactive measures might be necessary, and your mind is subject to change when those damn contractions really …
By Candace Ganger

I'm Pregnant & I Refuse To Read Any Parenting Books

I didn't read any parenting books when I was expecting my daughter, and I refuse to read any parenting books as I await my second child now. I'm the first to admit that I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to raising my daughter. A good d…
By Marie Southard Ospina

12 Overnight Face Masks To Use To Wake Up Feeling Pampered AF

Spring is right around the corner, and as far as I'm concerned, the sunshine and warm breezes can't come soon enough. But now that we're about to say goodbye to winter, it's a good time to take stock of your facial skincare routine. You know, in the …
By Katie Malczyk

11 Essential Products To Pack In Your Hospital Bag, According To OB-GYNs

The minute you go into labor (or think you're going into labor), chaos ensues. You and your partner are likely to get a little frantic, just like in the movies, so you most definitely want to have a hospital bag packed before the day comes. This prec…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

7 Photos You *Must* Take In The First 6 Months Of Motherhood

In my experience, becoming a mom is like becoming an amateur photographer. There's just something about the need to capture every single coo and sorta-smile that leaves you obsessed with all things photography. I know I couldn't stop taking selfies w…
By Candace Ganger

Here's How Early An Ultrasound Can Actually Determine Your Baby's Sex

From the moment you see those two lines on a pregnancy test, there are a few markers along the way that stand out as especially exciting. Amongst them are hearing your baby's heartbeat and feeling that first, sweet little kick. And if you are finding…
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik