Like tons of other amazing moms out there, I made so many assumptions about motherhood before I had kids of my own. In my mind, I fantasized about raising the world's cutest, most perfect baby, and I made promises to myself about the way I would parent my little one without even having a few hours of babysitting experience under my belt. I pictured myself as a cool, calm, and collected mom who would simply laugh off the stresses of motherhood, knowing good and well that I should be making the most of this wonderful and fleeting time in my life. I had a very pleasant pregnancy, so I also led myself to believe that labor and delivery would be pain free. All that was left to do was kick back and enjoy the ride.
Cut to the tail end of more than 30 hours of labor. After I'd just fought a war with my own body, stayed awake for what felt like years, and met my screaming vampire of a baby who wanted to suck down whatever fluids might be left in me, it's fair to say I quickly realized that motherhood wasn't going to be as perfect as I'd thought. My life is now a hot mess at any given moment (especially mealtime — ugh), which is why we've partnered with Red Baron Pizza, an amazingly tasty solution to mealtime chaos, to have a good laugh at some hilarious misconceptions most of us had about motherhood. Soak in the realness below, then download Red Baroness Patches sticker pack in the app store to help you and your mom squad power through the craziness of motherhood.
I’ll Be A Cool Mom
I thought becoming a mom wouldn't get in the way of traveling the world, going to concerts, and checking out cool new bars and restaurants. After all, I can take my baby with me — she’ll just sleep through it, right? Yeah, no. Now my idea of getting out is forking over $80 to a babysitter on top of paying for dinner, a movie, and drinks in an attempt to up my mood from "totally over it" to "relatively stable." Cheers.
Babies *Want* To Sleep
I mean, she's my daughter and I love sleep, so she'll just take after me, right? Like, even if she's upset, she'll eventually just tucker herself out? Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Am I missing something? Hello? Is this thing on?
I'm Going To Nail This Stay-At-Home Mom Thing
In fairness, my guess is that most moms start off imagining that being a stay-at-home mom is going to be way easier than being a working mom. That's what happened to me, at least, until that SAHM life turned into nothing more than an endless rotation of tantrum slaying and monster hunting that would make a normal 9 to 5 look like a vacation.
All Kids Are Perfect Eaters
"Any child of mine will love all flavors and textures of cuisine, and anyone who is raising a picky eater is simply doing it wrong." —Famous last words of a pregnant mom who has yet to endure the crippling experience of teaching your kids that green foods are not public enemy number one. (Seriously WHO TEACHES THEM THIS??) Now, if I've established something as a family favorite — Helloooooo, Red Baron Pizza — you'd better believe I'm fully stocked on that item. At. All. Times.
I Will Become An Amazing Mommy Chef
This is a super cute thought until you begin to realize that kids and their unparalleled determination can very quickly escalate from picky eater status to full-on hunger strike. I totally thought I'd be the mom who cooked for my kid three times a day. Now, I'm a proud freezer wizard who will heat up anything I have on hand, so long as it gets my kid to get ready for bed already.
I Assumed I Was Having A Kid, Not A Puking, Pooping Machine
So sue me, but when I was pregnant with my daughter I definitely spent more time fantasizing about the adorable outfits I'd dress her in — not wiping her butt 25 times a day. I GET IT NOW, OK?
My Social Media Would Remain Artfully Curated
Me three years ago: "My Instagram aesthetic is too strong for me to mess it up with snapshots of my kids. "
Me today: "One or two kid pics won't hurt anyone. I'll just post this one. But they're so cute in both of these! Fine, I'll double post, but never again. Ugh. Who wouldn't want to look at this? Hashtag adorbs hashtag momlife hashtag babiesofinstagram."