If you had told me before I became a parent that I'd be writing about scheduling sex, I wouldn't have believed you. Looking back, I had seemingly endless energy in the evening hours, although that was long before I had to squeeze in things like washing sippy cups or bringing toddlers to the potty 17 times after 8 p.m. My husband and I were even "fun" in the daytime! What happened? Kids. And then came these seven reasons to schedule sex, because it has definitely come to that, and it's totally okay.
While scheduling sex might come across as totally lame to our our 20-something selves, right now it just seems sane. With small kids, busy work lives, and family and friends to socialize with occasionally, actually getting sex on the calendar might even seem smart! If it is, in fact, as embarrassing as my 25-year-old self would have predicted, I'll take solace in the fact that I can at least laugh at the situation with a tongue-in-cheek list of all the glorious and hilarious reasons to schedule sex. Just clear out the animal crackers, or light a few candles so you can't see the pile of Duplo blocks on the floor in the corner!
1. Because You're Parents
I didn't know the level of tired I could be before I became a parent. I thought I got worn out before I had kids, but just when I think I couldn't get any more tired, another toddler wake-up pairs up with a newborn scream fest in the middle of the night and a record-breaking level of exhaustion has been achieved.
2. It Increases The Odds It Might Actually Happen
For real. Pre-kids I definitely wasn't this lame, but the to-do list seems to grow by the day and there isn't always much left after adulting so hard for so long! If it's scheduled, it's more likely to happen.
3. Otherwise We Might Not Have Any More Kids
For a lot of couples, more needs to happen than just meeting in the sack one night. But for those couples who are actually fertile, getting into bed together is the bare minimum if you want to add more tiny people to the party (and possibly have even less sex, ha!).
4. It Provides An Incentive To Get The Kids To Bed... Early
Bedtime (and, let's face it, the several hours before bedtime) can be a bit of a battle in most households. At ours, the "witching hour" often feels like a very weak description for the chaos that ensues when kids and parents both start to get worn out after a long day... everyday. Scheduling sex can be a great incentive to power through the bedtime routine a little more efficiently so you have more time for the fun stuff before you conk out as well.
5. It Provides An Incentive To Get Keep Kids Out Of Our Bed
We aren't bed-sharers by nature or, frankly, by logistics. A queen size bed and a former pro basketball player don't exactly leave a lot of room for children to hang out. But though it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's the path of least resistance. Scheduling sex, however, gives one extra incentive to clear the decks.
6. Because You Have Advance Warning To Wash The Animal Crackers Off Your Arms
The number of times I've gotten into bed and realized I was covered in some sort of baby goo or toddler snack is staggering — and not terribly sexy. Scheduling sex means I can make a conscious effort to make sure I don't have banana chunks in my hair or pureed peas smeared up and down my legs.
7. Because If It's Not On My Calendar, It Ain't Happening
And while I'm at it, I might even set an alarm on my phone for it. I'm the type of person who might forget to pick up a kid at preschool or leave the laundry in the washing machine for three days if I didn't have it either in my calendar or set as an alarm. Thank goodness for technology, which makes all of my sexy scheduling dreams come true.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.