Are you getting what you need in bed? For many women a nice snuggle is enough. For others, sex without an orgasm is like... well, why bother? If you're having trouble getting there, address it. There are several reasons why you shouldn't fake an orgasm.
As a woman who had a hippie mom, I learned a lot of stuff about sex at home. I also learned a lot from Sex and the City. What can I say; didn't everyone? Remember the one where Miranda Hobbes fakes it and doesn't understand why her guy can't get her off? Speaking generally of men, Miranda said, "They can re-built a jet engine but when it comes to a woman, what's the big mystery? It's my clitoris not the Sphinx." The lesson of the episode, (like you don't know) is that her guy didn't know what to do, because Miranda kept faking it. But life, while imitated well on SATC, is a little less glam and in some cases, more nuanced.
I spoke to Jenny Block, author of O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm about why faking an orgasm isn't such a good idea—for you or for your relationship. In doing so I learned some surprising and not-so-surprising reasons why you shouldn't fake the Big O in bed. Here are just a few reasons why you need to be honest with your partner when it comes to orgasms.
1. It's A Form Of Lying To Your Partner
Block was quick to tell me that faking an orgasm is a form of lying to your SO. And to be honest, I'd never thought that faking a groan here or a moan there was a big deal. But Block is right, and the only type of lying I want to be doing in bed in on my back (and stomach, and side... well, you get the point).
2. It Encourages Your Partner To Repeat Moves You Don't Like
As Block says, faking an orgasm, "gives your partner the idea that what he or she did sexually was satisfying to you and so he or she will likely repeat it." That's not what you want, right?
3. It Can Lead To Hurt Feelings
And so the day comes when you decide you don't want to fake it any longer. When you finally tell your partner how you feel, they may be hurt ad confused. Remember, your partner's feelings are just as important as your satisfaction. And unless you plan on faking it forever, one day, the truth will surface and you'll have to deal.
4. It Can Be Stressful AF
Now that I'm thinking about faking as lying, I totally don't want to do that to my partner. Not only for the reasons listed above, but because I get totally stressed out when I lie. And the more stressed I am, the less likely I am going to relax and get anywhere near O Town.
5. It Might Be A Sign Of Insecurity
Dr. Ian Kerner, a sexuality expert, told Self that when a woman fakes an orgasm it might be a symptom of her insecurity in the relationship. "That may be part of the reason that she’s faking it,” said Kerner, “Not necessarily to hold on to her man, but because she doesn’t trust him enough to really be able to let go and have an orgasm.” Hmm. Is sex really a barometer of the relationship? Perhaps. So, if you find yourself faking an orgasm, maybe think about other things in your relationship that might be making you feel like you can't trust your partner enough to let go.
6. It Fuels Men's Sense Of Superiority
Eek! Huffington Post points out that women who fake the big O in a heterosexual relationship might be doing it out of social conditioning. In other words, the fake orgasm is a way a woman sacrifices her pleasure for a man's sense of worth. I am not down with that.
7. It Makes Sex About Goals, Not Pleasure
Block reiterates that with sex, the most important thing is that it feels good. "Make sure your partner understands that," she says. "And promise to always tell your partner your sexual truth."
Armed with these tips, I hope you realize there's no need to fake it. As you let your body, self care and self knowledge be your guide, you will make your way to the pleasure principle, and I guarantee there will be plenty of orgasms in your future.