Some people are a bit high-strung, while others have a reputation for being far more easy-going. That's just their personality. But it can sometimes be hard to tell if someone is truly just flexible, laid-back, and easy-going or if they're indifferent or don't really care about things. In a relationship, that differentiation really matters. And there are some signs that your partner's easy-going personality is actually a sign they don't care enough that might help you determine if they're really, truly easy-going, or if they're not as engaged in the relationship and your life together as you'd hope that they would be.
Life with an easy-going partner can feel relatively easy because they tend to take things as they go and are a bit more flexible than other people. That can, of course, become an issue if you're both really easy-going, but if you're a bit less agreeable than they are, they can provide a nice balance. But you still want them to care about the relationship and be invested in what the two of you have going, so it's maybe not all that surprising that you might want to be sure that that's really their personality. There are a few clues that they might give you, so knowing what to watch out for can help you figure out if that's just how they are or if you might need to re-evaluate things or take action.
1. Their Behaviors & Personality Don't Seem To Match
"An easy-going person doesn't like to make waves," Lisa Concepcion, a dating and relationship expert, tells Romper by email. "They don't sweat the small stuff and aren't petty. They seem to go with the flow. Pay attention to actions. If they being inconsiderate, aloof, or preoccupied it could mean they simply don't care and see you as a priority."
If your partner's go-to behaviors don't seem like things that a truly easy-going person would do, that might be a subtle hint that it's actually that they're not engaged enough in the relationship.
2. They Don't Seem To Have Any Boundaries
Boundaries are still important in romantic relationships, just as they are in other relationships, and though it can sometimes be difficult for easy-going people to institute and enforce boundaries, a healthy relationship does have them.
"In many of the couples that I work with, an easy-going partner is actually a sign of having little to no boundaries within the relationship," Kat Trimarco, a certified sex and relationship coach, tells Romper by email. "The partner that is easy-going is also the one that is not attuned to or tapped into their own needs and desires, both sexually as well as within the relationship."
3. They're Totally Fine Not Seeing You Often
Your partner, even an easy-going one, should want to see you relatively regularly. If it seems like they're perfectly fine with not spending much time together, that's definitely a potential red flag that they're not invested in the relationship.
"They decrease time spent with you, they become involved in minute pursuits such as gaming, being on their phone, spending time with other people, or making excuses such as feeling tired (but they are never too tired for friends)," Dr. Nancy Brooks MS, PsyD, a psychotherapist, tells Romper via email. "You may try to 'test' if they care and they will not respond as they once did."
Truly easy-going partners still care about you.
4. They Let You Make All The Decisions
"When you're calling all the shots and they aren't involved there's a problem," Concepcion says. "They've checked out." Though easy-going people don't always have strong opinions about every little thing, participating in the decision-making process can be a sign that you still care about the relationship, especially when the decisions are important.
5. They Don't Want To Talk About The Hard Stuff
Talking about the hard stuff is essential if you want your relationship to work. "An unwillingness to ever engage in the difficult conversations about the emotional dynamics in the relationship under the guise of 'eh, don’t get so worked up' may be indicative of disinterest or at least lack of maturity, rather than just a devil-may-care attitude," Erin K. Tierno, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship expert, tells Romper by email. "Certainly, conversations about emotional dynamics should not be happening all the time, and some people are less comfortable with engaging in this sort of discourse than others, but a sustainable relationship must include some space for evaluating together the impact you each have on each other and developing ways to be more protective of each other and the relationship as you proceed."
Easy-going people might not love these kinds of conversations because they often don't want to rock the boat, but if they absolutely refuse to have a conversation like this, that can be a potential red flag.
6. They Don't Seem To Have Any Future Plans
Even people who are pretty laid-back have at least general ideas about the future. If it seems like they don't have any plans, that could be a potential sign that they don't care enough, Brooks says.
7. They're Comfortable With How Things Are & Don't Want To Grow Together
It's nice to feel comfortable in a relationship, but if there's such a comfort level that they're not really interested in growing your relationship further, that might be a sign they don't care enough. "Easy-going is fine," Concepcion says. "Comfortable is a red flag. There's no growth in comfort zones."
Deciding whether your partner is really easy-going or just doesn't actually care enough about your relationship can be difficult, both the process itself and the conclusion that you may ultimately reach. Working with a therapist and being honest with your partner can help you get through it and move forward.