When you first realize you're pregnant at a time in your life when you want to be, you're ecstatic. You're thinking about how adorable your baby is going to be, proactively planning family trips to the zoo, birthday parties, and basically every possible happy scenario short of a day spent playing tag in a flowery field. You're thinking about the good times, and that's what you should be doing! But let's get real for one second, because motherhood is straight-up chaotic, and the reality is that there are some things that become totally obsolete once you have a kid. Yes, people warn you that your life is about to change, but you're all like, "Surely this madness they're describing will calm down eventually, right?" Wrong. Big, fat, screaming in your face, never the same life again wrong, wrong, wrong. (Was that harsh? Sorry, but someone needs to start telling the truth.)
There's no doubt motherhood is hard, but I chose this life knowing it would be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, this isn’t to say I don't miss parts of my pre-kid life. Remember manis and pedis? Or downtime? Or just a calm evening at home with some pizza and wine? The spontaneity of those moments is gone forever, along with a few other items that have slowly vanished from your life since you brought your little one home. We partnered with Red Baron Pizza to round up a hilariously real list of these items below, and also to remind you that there's no reason you still can't enjoy a calm evening with some pizza — just make sure you have an extra pizza in the freezer for when the kids catch on.
I used to not be caught anywhere without a full face slathered on. Now there’s just no time when your boss baby is screaming at you the moment your eyes open. Because of this, I’ve learned to embrace the natural look, since the only thing I have time for is a quick smear of concealer under my eyes in an attempt to hide this whole sleepless zombie situation I've got going on.
Not jeans entirely, but at least the skinnies. I can’t be that uncomfortable all day, every day. It’s just not humanly possible anymore. Cozy, roomy, good-for-all-occasions boyfriend jeans are definitely the way to go now.
The first night I brought my baby home, I knew she had to eat every two hours so I set an alarm. It went right out the window the moment the first nighttime squeal occurred. There was no way she was going to let me forget she needed to be fed. So, it was time to say goodbye to the alarm clock, along with a solid stretch of eight hours of sleep. You will be missed.
If you even attempt to glance at a text, email, or check your Instagram, no sooner do you hear the words “MINE MINE” coming for you and it’s all over. Either they’ve locked you out by pressing the passcode too many times, or they're trying to get their hands on your device to practice their perfect selfie face. SMH.
The last time I picked up a book for someone over the age of three was during my pregnancy.
The Color White
You thought you and your kids could go out in adorable matching white dresses for Memorial Day? Still thinking how a white couch would go perfect with that marble coffee table? Planning to pick up some fresh white sheets for the bathroom? Think again, my friend. You will never again be able to enjoy the beauty of white textiles until your children are out of the house. Throw up, poop, dirty hand prints, pizza sauce, grass stains, you name it! Anything white will instantly be stained the second your child puts it on. Start thinking about colors that hide these inevitable stains, aka anything but white.
The coup de grâce and the hardest one to give up. Unfortunately there is just no way around this one. Having a child is like adding an extension to your body. Truly your other half, and they ain’t going nowhere. Not for 15 minutes to let you go to the bathroom, not for 10 minutes to let you put your bra on, not for five minutes to secretly check your phone for contact from another adult. The best trick I can recommend is to try buying yourself a few minutes of alone time while they munch on their favorite Red Baron Pizza, and if that doesn't work, I truly don't know what will.
This post is sponsored by Red Baron Pizza.