I have endured the wrath of labor and delivery twice while my darling partner did and said whatever the hell he wanted. Now, I can forgive him the first time around. After all, he didn't know how to behave or what to say. But five years later, when we had our second, he was seasoned and should've known better. In fact, the things that'll never come out of a grown-ass man's mouth during labor should have been embedded into his subconscious to the point that it would've been damn near impossible for him to piss of the pregnant woman in labor (read: me).
I'm pretty sure my partner has learned by now, at least, that there are certain times when you should absolutely keep your mouth closed and your thoughts to yourself. Still, and even during my second shot at labor and delivery, he didn't seem to get it back then. It's not because he's ignorant, but because he doesn't always think before words fly out of his mouth. It doesn't take long for the damage to be done, though, especially when a human being is exiting your body.
In all our 13 years together my sweetheart has said a lot of dumb stuff. Forgivable, of course, but dumb. As a result, I've grown somewhat accustomed to letting a lot of things slide. But not when I'm in labor. Sorry, but no. Never. So with that in mind, here are some of the things no grown-ass man says in the delivery room, unless he wants kicked out.
"How Long Do You Think This Will Take?"
I'm sorry, non-pregnant partners who aren't in pain, but rule number one for entering labor and delivery is to never, ever, acknowledge your impatience and/or boredom. Both of my deliveries took upwards of three days. Three days, you guys. No grown-ass man — especially mine — would even think about posing this questions loud, because last I checked I'm the one doing the real work here. Save it.
Because I was induced for both children, I was only allowed to eat food up to a specific point. After that? Nada. Ice chips don't count as nutrition when you're shoving a person out of your nether regions, people. So, grown-ass men, if you're hungry you keep it to your damn self until us pregnant people can join you for a sandwich.
"That Sounds Painful"
It sounds painful because it is painful. I had someone tell me to "quiet down" when I was screaming during labor and delivery. No, I will not "quiet down" because it hurts. If my grown-ass man said this to me I would not have been responsible for the rage-induced response that followed.
"Do You Really Need Me Here For This Part?"
Oh, I don't know, dear. Do you need me here for this part? The answer is always yes. Partners, never ask how important your role is in the delivery room. In fact, just go ahead and assume your role is critical, because it is.
I needed my grown-ass man for every laboring second if I was to make it through the entire thing only slightly scathed. Partners are the cheerleaders when we want to give up, our voice of reason when we have none, and our comedic relief when tears are streaming from the pain. True story.
"I'm Going To Take A Nap"
The hell you will. Grown-ass men don't take naps when their partner is suffering through every contraction. Mine tried to sneak a nap and while I get how "exhausting" it is to stand there and look at your phone, napping isn't an option anymore. Not during labor, at least.
"Let Me Snap A Photo Before You Push Again"
I've never been a fan of push photos, personally. Oh, and don't offer to hand me a mirror during the entire process, either. Bravo to those who want to watch their babies exiting their bodies, but it's just not for me.
I can't even remember who did what during the push part of my first labor. I just wanted it over with already. When I gave birth to my son, however, there was a camera very present and I vowed to destroy it the moment I was able. The point is, a grown-ass man will ask before shoving a camera down you-know-where.
"Are You Almost Finished?"
I'm sorry, but no grown-ass man would ask this question unless he has a death wish. Mine knew that by the time I barely had the energy to push anymore, the time for asking idiotic questions had passed. I was doing the best I could and I wanted out of there just as much as he did (if not way more). The thing with labor is, though: you can't rush this sh*t. So sit back, be supportive, be patient, and shut your damn mouth unless you're going to tell us pregnant women how incredible, strong, and resilient we are.