If you’re a mom, chances are you find yourself spouting out all kinds of clichéd phrases you swore you'd never say to your own kids before you became a parent. Sure, you hated it when your mom said things like "clean up that mess" or "because I said so," but now you understand the level of desperation we resort to when we're just trying to get our kids to cooperate. And yes, it’s possible that there might be better ways to convince your kids to behave (I, for one, tend to go to my secret weapon — pizza — to avoid these battles altogether), but it turns out there are some very familiar phrases our own moms said to us as we grew up that have become classics for good reason.
Of course, when you offer up these parenting platitudes to your little one, you’re not necessarily saying exactly what you mean. That’s because these oft-used one-liners are usually a lot less harsh than what you’re actually thinking. Because to be honest, if I said what I was really thinking some of the time, my kids would likely be scarred for life. (Or, you know... for a couple of hours.) One of these days when the tables have turned, they’ll figure out how you really feel, but in the meantime we've partnered with delicious mealtime solution Red Baron Pizza to bring you a few of our favorites, along with their translations:
What You Say: “Just Three More Bites!”
What you mean: “If you don’t actually chew and swallow some solid food very soon I’m legit concerned you’re going to wither away. How many meals am I supposed to cook and throw away in one day? Also, I don’t really know what rickets are, but you’re probably going to get them soon if you don't eat. Here, have some pizza.”
What You Say: “If You Don’t Sleep, You Won’t Grow!”
What you mean: “I’ve been up since you dragged me out of bed at 5 a.m. and I need you to go to bed immediately because if I can’t crash on the couch in front of the TV with a big glass of wine very, very soon I am literally going to start falling apart at the seams.”
What You Say: “I Don’t Know.”
What you mean: “Do I look like a f*cking search engine to you? How can one person possibly have all the answers to every question that pops into your head? I have no idea why pizza sauce is red, I don’t know if bumblebees sleep, and I definitely can’t tell you why pants are called 'pants,' so please stop asking!”
What You Say: “I’m Going To Count To Three…”
What you mean: “I have about three seconds of patience left before I lose my sh*t. So you should probably start listening to me in a hurry, because when those three seconds are up things are gonna get ugly, fast!”
What You Say: “You’re OK!
What you mean: “Oh wow, I really hope you’re OK. Honestly that cut or bruise or bug bite or whatever looks pretty bad and I’m probably going to call the doctor as soon as you’re not looking, but right now I just need you to calm down so let’s just say you’re OK, OK?”
What You Say: “Because I Said So.”
What you mean: “Look, I honestly don’t have the time to sit here and explain to you why you need to brush your teeth or wear a jacket or pick up your toys because I’ve already told you why at least a thousand times, so you’re just going to have to accept the fact that it needs to be done… because I said so!"
What You Say: “Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees!”
What you mean: “OMG, can we ever walk past a store without you begging me to buy some useless toy that will probably break in five minutes and is almost exactly like another useless toy we have at home?”
What You Say: “Don’t Make Me Come In There!”
What you mean: “The truth is I don’t want to come in there. I really don’t know why you insist on jumping on the bed — it's not even that fun. I can think of 15 other things you'd have more fun doing. But of course you're doing the one thing I told you not to do. But you seriously need to stop. Like, right now.”
This post is sponsored by Red Baron Pizza.