I will not even feign a sort of journalistic neutrality here: I do not care for Donald Trump. At all. Yes, that is putting it mildly. I do not care for him as a public figure in general, so the idea that he could be my president dances the line between hysterical and horrifying. These days, mostly horrifying. I mean, when I can count a number of times when my toddler and Donald Trump were basically the same person, the thought of a man-child being the leader of the most powerful country in the world is, you know, mind-numbingly scary.
His meteoric political rise has been fueled not by content (his actual plans for how he plans to improve the country have been notably vague) but bombast and demagoguery. Donald Trump is a grown up baby. A really racist, sexist, petulant, self-aggrandizing, insecure, grown up baby, and while I wish I was simply being hyperbolic or cheeky, I’m not. Time and again, Trump demonstrates what can only be categorized as pure, unadulterated toddler behavior. This isn’t meant to be insulting to toddlers. Kids are supposed to be irrational, emotional, and weird. Adults, particularly adults whom we, as a nation, are potentially appointing as the most powerful political leader on the face of the planet, should be none of those things. (Look, a little weird is okay. Like how John Quincy Adams would go skinny dipping in the Potomac, because JQA was a man who understood YOLO.)
Yet my own weird, emotional, irrational toddler has said and done things that could, swapping a few details, just as easily have been perpetuated by The Donald. Here are just a few, because the only way to properly digest this dumpster fire of a presidential election, is to sort through the absurdity of it all.
“If Ivanka Weren't My Daughter, Perhaps I'd Be Dating Her"
It sounds a lot like when a toddler says, “When I grow up I’m going to marry mommy!” When a toddler does it, it’s, like, kinda cute. Sure, it's a bit unsettling, but you’re OK with it because they’re a small child and they don’t get cultural taboos or the distinction between the love a parent and a child share, and the romantic love between partners. Donald Trump is 69 years old and should understand that it is deeply disturbing to even suggest you’d want to date your daughter. It’s even more disturbing to say it over and over again.
The Time He Ate The Crust First On His Pizza
This is something only a child would do. If you’re a child, it makes sense that you would do something so freakin' weird and against the laws of humanity. Adults should not eat their pizza crust first, I don’t care if Dominoes is paying you to do it. Show some pride, man. This is almost as bad as that time he ate chain restaurant pizza with a fork.
“Let Me Tell You, I'm A Really Smart Guy"
Donald Trump has the unwavering confidence of a particularly self-assured toddler. Now, it is right and proper that a small child should be confident to the point of what would be considered a "cocky" trait in an adult. They should believe they are capable of anything because they should feel empowered to try anything. Over time, their strengths and weaknesses become clear and they can be comfortable enough to realize, “You know what, it’s OK if I’m not actually a demigod, because I’m worthy of love and respect, and capable of being really good at x, y, z.” When an adult still believes they are a cosmic overlord (or, say, capable of getting caught up on the history of Middle East conflicts 24 hours after assuming the position of commander-in-chief) there’s something amiss.
The Time He Made This Face
This is a face that say, “I know I’m being petulant and not listening to you and IDGAF.” My daughter, in particular, gives me this face a lot, like “Oh, you don’t want me to pull out all the pots and pans. Yeah. That probably makes sense, but I want to pull out the pots and pans, so, I don’t know. Deal with it? Yeah. Deal with it.” Here's the thing, though; my daughter is a toddler, Donald Trump is an adult who should have learned about 65 years ago not to talk to or react to people that way. Maybe give a few f*cks, Donald.
“No More Massive Injections. Tiny Children Are Not Horses. One Vaccine At A Time Over Time."
All I can hear when I read this quote is my son screaming at the doctor, “I said I only wanted one needle!” (Also all the scientific evidence saying neither vaccines nor the CDC’s recommended schedule of multiple shots at once are malevolent harbingers of autism.)
That Time He Spent Trying To Convince Us That Barack Obama Wasn't Born In The United States
It’s sort of like when your toddler tries to convince you it’s not bedtime, and you’re like, “Yes it is. It’s eight o’clock.” Then they just start screaming “It’s not! It’s not eight o’clock!” “Well, I’m looking at this clock and it says eight, zero, zero. That means eight o’clock.” “It doesn't mean that and it doesn't say eight o'clock!" That is the sort of ridiculous temper tantrum we were subjected to back in 2011 with Trump’s damn long-form birth certificate, racist nonsense for a few months.
That Time He Claimed To Have Come Up With The Slogan "Make American Great Again"
And he didn’t, actually. Turns out, it was pretty memorably coined by the Reagan campaign in 1980. This is sort of like that time my son told me he drew a picture that was obviously a photograph.
The Time He Thought Randomly Hugging An Inanimate Object Was A Normal Thing To Do
Donald loves the flag. Donald loves the flag so much he wants to marry it, but only because he can’t marry his daughter, obvi.