I, like every single parent in the history of parenthood, think my son is a genius. He's a 2-year-old toddler how can count to 10, can say the alphabet, and can speak in complete sentences. So, yeah, I have my eyes set on Yale or Harvard and I have a feeling my son will be curing some disease in the next 50 years. That is, of course, until I live through the hilarious moments that prove your kid's not a genius. You know, the same moments that make me eat my words and force me to realize that while I tend to see the absolute best in my son, he's just a normal kid who can run into walls with the best of them.
Now, I'm not downplaying my son's untapped potential, nor am I assuming that he isn't capable of doing some extraordinary things. I have high hopes for my son, in that I hope he is happy and healthy and eventually has the opportunity to do whatever it is he ends up loving to do. However, I tend to go a little overboard with the whole, "My son is an absolute genius," statements, because chances are he's just a normal kid who is capable of hitting certain milestones a little early, while taking his time with others. I think myself (and most parents, included) need to a healthy dose of perspective every now and then, if only because we don't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children. I don't want my son to one day think I will only love him or respect him or be proud of him if he cures Zika or builds a multi-million dollar company or goes to space or does some other amazing thing I'm definitely not capable of doing.
So, yes, every now and then I'm faced with reality and forced to admit that my kid probably isn't a genius. At least the following situations provide me with some entertainment (and at least I don't have to worry about that Yale tuition money, because damn).
They Eat Their Own Snot
I mean, what genius picks their nose and eats it? Especially when the "gold" they've been mining for the last thirty minutes seems to be particularly, um, juicy.
I love my child, but the moment I saw him go to town on the buffet provided by his nostrils, I realized he wouldn't be curing cancer anytime soon.
They Run Into Walls
My son has a very difficult time watching where he's going, in that he refuses to actually watch where he's going. You'd think he'd figure out that looking forward is vital when you're moving forward, but that's just not the case. He has ran into our refrigerator, walls, our door, more walls, our couch, and other human beings.
There's still no end in sight, so I'm contemplating the choice to just have him wear a helmet whenever he takes more than a few forward steps at a time.
They Pee Themselves...
Of course, accidents happen (I mean, I've laughed so hard I've peed my pants as an adult, so this is definitely not me being judgmental), however, I tend to think a genius would have mastered the "potty" by now.
...And Poop Themselves
Come on, kid. Work with me. I'm not asking you to tell me what the square root of something is, I just want you to go number two in the toilet and not on our bed.
They Accidentally Hit Themselves In The Face
For the record, I bite the side of my cheek and/or my lip whenever this happens, because in no way do I want my son to see me laughing when he has sufficiently hurt himself (even if it's damn hilarious).
Still, the kid has hit himself in the face by accident so many times, I can't help but think that there's not a genius bone in his body.
They Don't Believe In Gravity
I have told my precious son at least a million times that he cannot jump off the couch, because there's a thing called gravity that is going to make sure he falls straight to the floor, and that fall will end in pain.
He thinks I'm lying.
So, he continues to jump off the couch and I continue to invest in bandaids.
They Forget The Very Thing You Just Told Them Two Seconds Ago
My son has the attention span of a squirrel, and can't seem to retain information at any abnormal, "gifted" rate. He's young so, I mean, it's understandable, but if he was a genius I'm sure he would remember that when mom says not to touch the stove because it's hot, it's because the damn stove is actually hot.
They're Excited To Eat Questionable Substances Off The Floor
I don't think any genius in the history of geniuses would look at some questionable blob on the living room floor and think, "Yeah, that looks appetizing."
They definitely wouldn't eat the nasty thing, whatever it was.
They Lick Playground Equipment And Windows And Other Horrifying Surfaces
My son has licked way too many public slides and swing sets and public transportation seats and windows and, well, you get the idea. I know he's a toddler and he's curious and licking and/or putting things in your mouth is a normal part of child development, but a genius baby would know better.
No way a genius baby looks at that stained seat on the subway and thinks, "I definitely need to lick that." Nope. That's not a thing.