Childbirth in and of itself is basically the bloodiest scenes of a horror movie, played in a loop. I mean, sure, at the end of it you have this beautiful little baby in your arms, but what about all those embarrassing moments during birth you can't un-see? Because, sadly, there's no way around it — those moments are seriously traumatizing for all involved. I do recognize that ,for some, birthing another human being is nothing but a never-ending string of awesome instances and hey —more power to you if you're one of those women. However, for me, bringing children into the world was a hard lesson in humility (one I've never, ever forgotten).
During the birth of my first child I didn't know what to expect. I'd heard numerous stories — both good and bad — from other women I know and trust, so I had an inkling as to what goes down when giving birth. It wasn't until I was in the thick of it (literally), did I learn the way my body would react to all the pushing (like a damn idiot) and the way my partner would react to all the horror (like a true champion).
When I had my second baby, even though I knew the way things played out before, it didn't make me any more comfortable. Like, at all. I actually found myself feeling more embarrassing the second time around, only because I was acutely aware of all the gross things I would be experiencing and that I was powerless to stop it all from happening to me (and anyone else that was in the room with me.) This is truly a case where ignorance definitely was bliss, but I digress. So, with all of that "fun stuff" in mind, here are some of the most embarrassing moments during birth you can't un-see (but sure as hell wish you could).
When You Realize How Absolutely Gigantic Your Breasts Are
Here's the thing: It doesn't matter if it's my first pregnancy or my last, I wasn't blessed with the perkiest of bosoms in the first place. So when you calculate age and weight gain from said pregnancies, my boobs weren't (in my opinion) all that glorious to look at.
During childbirth, of course, what my breasts looked like was literally the least of my concerns, but that didn't stop them from poking out of my gown on a minute-by-minute basis. If you're easily offended, please look away as you will never un-see the sight of them thereafter. Or, if you're my partner, ogle them at the actual worst time.
When A Nurse Can't Find The Right Vein For Your IV
My veins are notorious for being highly visible every second of my life, until a nurse is poking around with a needle to hook up the IV drip. This doesn't sound too awful but if you're there witnessing how many times it takes to get the right vein and the blood — all the blood — you might have a different story.
When Your Gown Won't Stay Closed Even A Little Bit
Childbirth is a circus sideshow filled with an endless supply of visuals. Lucky for everyone in the room (parents, childhood friends), my doctors wanted to do a vaginal check every hour, on the hour. Yes, it's as exciting as it sounds.
This means I'm naked from the waist down throughout the entire labor and delivery process, and those damn gowns do not stay closed. At some point, I got tired of trying and just, you know, left it open. Infinite apologies to my in-laws.
When Your Water Breaks And Comes Gushing Out Of You
Some aspects of giving birth aren't only gross, they're downright disturbing. For example, when the doctor breaks your water for you because you've been induced, and you realize that "breaking your water" is a pretty delicate and not at all accurate description.
I actually heard mine break open so to those who stood at the front of my bed and watched, well, I commend you for not vomiting (because I definitely thought about letting some puke fly).
When You Go To The Bathroom While Pushing
Even though you can't un-see these natural events, they happen pretty regularly. So, if you're a mortified first-time mother who peed all over your attending doc, you're not alone. You gotta go when you gotta go.
Besides, going to the bathroom after childbirth is more terrifying than during. Trust me.
When You See Your Baby Covered In A Bunch Of Bodily Fluids
You've waited so long to see your little creation, so when he or she finally makes an entrance you're shocked to realize that it's nothing like the beautiful moment you've been picturing.
I blame television, personally, because our favorite TV shows have been telling us our newborns should come out looking like 3-month-old babies; wide-eyed, and clean. Sorry to tell you, but that's just not the case. Your little one is going to be covered in what can only be described as goo, making them less-than-camera ready.
(By the way, who gave anyone a camera in the labor and delivery room? And why?)
When The Baby Is Crowning
Don't look, don't look, don't you dare look. Don't let your partner look or your mother or whoever is in the room. Tell the doctor to turn his head, tell the nurse you need some privacy. Seriously, just don't.
If you're curious, even a little, leave it. I promise you'll regret looking the moment you actually sneak a glance. For the love of all things sacred, let some things remain a mystery.
When You Accidentally Watch The Doctor Sew You Up, Because Someone Left A Mirror Out And About
I don't want to, you know, place blame here, but if I've just pushed a human out of my bod and am in the process of being sewn up, please turn that full-length mirror in the other direction.
When Your Placenta Is Just. Right. There.
You know what comes after the baby? The placenta. You know what part of your insides you should never, ever see (aside from that whole crowning moment)? The freakin' placenta. In my case, the placenta exploded from the umbilical cord when my son came out so it was especially gruesome. In fact, I still have nightmares about the way it looked in the little pink, plastic tub. Barf.
Childbirth is no place for shyness. There will be some moments that will live in infamy so, the best thing you can do is go into your specific labor and delivery with eyes wide open (and sometimes shut). The embarrassing moments will pass and the end result is totally worth it. Well, at least that's what you can tell yourself when you poop all over the birthing table.