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A Transcript Of Every Question I Asked My OB-GYN When I Was Pregnant — Guys, We Got *Into* It

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I found out that I was pregnant with my first child on Christmas Day last year. Almost instantly, my mind was flooded with panic-laced questions. Is labor and delivery the worst pain imaginable? What do I even need to do to take care of myself while pregnant? Can I drink pumpkin spice egg nog? Can I wear jodphurs safely? During the first few weeks leading up to my initial OB-GYN appointment, I must have googled a million different symptoms, asking the internet “Is this normal during pregnancy???” at all hours of the night.

A quick Google search will tell you that you’re fine and also that you could be dying.

The internet is great for looking up random pregnancy symptoms, but a quick Google search will tell you that you’re fine and also that you could be dying. Look, your uterus has sat as idle as a lute for the past couple decades, so when you first get pregnant, you're going to have questions about what is happening in there. And your OB had better be ready to answer every question in your pregnancy bullet journal. Is that a skull you're feeling behind your belly button or a butt? Who is to know? OBs, that's who.

IMO, if you're pregnant, there is no question too bananas to ask — start with these 35 queries, and let your anxiety take it from there.

Courtesy of De Elizabeth

When will I stop dry-heaving every time I put on a scarf?

Which foods should I avoid? PLEASE DON'T SAY PIPCORN.

What foods are best to eat? PLEASE DON'T SAY CHIA SEEDS.

How late can I travel without winding up on News @ 9 for having a miraculous mid-air birth?

Is it OK to have sex in a hanging basket chair while pregnant?

Can I still do soul cycle JUST KIDDING THE ONLY THING I'M RIDING DURING PREGNANCY IS MY OWN WILD EGO.

Do I need a birth plan or will "just give me the regular" about do it?

Is delivering to "Story Of My Life" a good idea or will I regret having a teenage boy in the room.

Will you please make sure you perform the delivery? (Narrator: Her OB did not, in fact, perform the delivery.)

How early can we determine the sex of the baby... THROUGH WITCHCRAFT?

Courtesy of De Elizabeth

Hi my belly needs a bikini wax, what is that about.

Am I leaking amniotic fluid, or just constantly slightly peeing myself, and which is worse in your medical opinion?

My breasts feel weird, and I think it's because they're pre-emptively terrified about labor-inducing nipple-stimulation chit chat. Yes?

I don't want to discuss or hear the word "perineum" — can I schedule a c-section to avoid this?

What vitamins should I be taking ok what I'm really asking if are Flintstones mixed-berry gummy vits cool w u?

Is my baby kicking my ribs or am I maybe growing a new, better rib?

How long do I have to tell my insurance company that I'm having a baby before they ship me off to Pre-Condition Island?

Courtesy of De Elizabeth

I’m feeling a tightness in my belly, do I still have time for fro-yo?

Do I have to do kick counts or can I just let my natural level of anxiety guide me as to the baby's wellbeing?

Do I need to find out what rebozo is, or can I just reboze in my hanging chair instead?

Do you know when I last pooped, because I honestly don't.

Mother mercy, what do I do about hemorrhoids?

Are my nipples leaking or is this just nacho collateral in my top? (😬 )

Does sex really induce labor and can you please ask my husband to have it with me because he's hiding.

Will I know when I'm in labor, because I legit didn't figure out I had mono in high school until I fell asleep in the middle of a performance of Chicago.

Seriously, how will I know I'm in labor?

I get really wrapped up in Instagram's Explore feature, are you sure I am going to realize?

If my water breaks on public transport, should I just pretend the puddle was already there as a sign of the disrepair our nation is in?

Courtesy of De Elizabeth

Do I have to look in a hand mirror during delivery because my retinas are v v sensitive to the horrors of childbirth.

Could you hold up a smiling cutout of Chris Hemsworth instead?

How long with I bleed after delivery and is that a sanitary pad or a floatation device you are giving me?

Is this squirt bottle for hydrating during nursing sessions or something else?

When can I have sex JKKKK.

How do you deal with this every day this is the single-craziest thing I have ever been through??

IS MY BABY NOT THE CUTEST.

This brings us to questions I have for my pediatrician, and guys, there isn't enough space on the internet to list those.

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.