I am not a celebrity, but I have *met* two celebrities ~while~ pregnant — have passed through the powerful laser beam of their celebrity essence like a traveler through an airport BodyScanner — and so I feel like a bit of an expert the topic of celebrity pregnancies. Admittedly, neither was a female, nor were either of them pregnant at the time,* but that won't stop me from claiming to have rich insider knowledge of what happens when a celebrity is pregnant.
One day, I decided I wanted to be pregnant. I told my husband, who replied that this was completely out of the blue and we should wait a few months. I waited a few months and demanded I get pregnant that very day. A few months after that, I got pregnant. It was a fascinating experience, not unlike finding you have gills and can free-dive but knowing that your superpower will be cut short like a dream shut off by an alarm. In this respect, being pregnant is quite a lot like being a Bachelor contestant — your fame only lasts nine months.
While I was pregnant, I compared myself a lot to the celebrities were also pregnant: Jena Malone, Emily Blunt, Zooey Deschanel, Jessica Biel, Leighton Meester. The second time around, the celebrities were even more frightfully glamorous: Chrissie Teigen, Olivia Wilde, Megan Fox. Here is how I imagine each step of a celebrity pregnancy goes compared to a No-Mag pregnancy.
Celebrities Finding Out They Are Pregnant
Their personal trainers notice a slight uptick in their skin temperature, or they spontaneously throw up into a succulent at their Pilates studio, and that's how they find out.
Normals Finding Out They Are Pregnant
I assume that, like me, you took your pregnancy test in a stall at work, and exclaimed, "Oh SH*T!" out loud when the blue lines showed up.
Celebrity Pregnancy Cravings
An array of beautiful açaí bowls, poke bowls, and other bowls requiring special accent marks.
Normal Pregnancy Cravings
Let's all be honest, we lived on hard cheeses, grapes, and that boxed chai latte mix from Trader Joes that is 99% sugar.
Celebrity Pregnancy Workouts
A carefully calibrated barre program that results in their feet actually getting smaller over the course of nine months.
Normal Pregnancy Workouts
Jogging half-heartedly toward Dunkin Donuts until 20 weeks, then promising to use all that relaxin hormone to learn how to do the splits again, but actually just getting really into pregnancy pillows.
Celebrity Pregnancy Wardrobes
Belted bodycon dresses, leather jackets, cowboy boots, heels, and flannel shirts that somehow don't look like pajamas.
Normal Pregnancy Wardrobes
A beloved collection of tent dresses with a drawstring at the top, ponchos that are literal blankets with a head hole cut out, and ASOS maternity leggings that go up to your boobs.
Celebrity Baby-Name Discussions
The meetings to decide on The Name are attended by a branding specialist, publicist, the partner, an agent, and several Pulitzer Prize-winning novelists. All in attendance page through a comprehensive, gold-leaf book of beautiful, unusual names that promise an extraordinary life.
Normal Baby-Name Discussions
You write out a list of characters from your favorite TV shows, cross out any that share a name with anyone's pet, and circle the ones that end in -y. Inform your partner that you've found "the one."
Celebrity OB-GYN Checkups
The pregnant celebrity is ushered into a room where she is given a comprehensive ultrasound tour of her baby, then a complimentary rosewater facial.
Normal OB-GYN Checkups
You are told to remove your pants, you sit for 45 minutes on a sheet of paper, and then steal a juice box on the way out.
Celebrity Early Labor
The celebrity feels a contraction, and their assistant activates The Plan by pulling a red call button on the nearest wall. They travel by Escalade to a nondescript nail salon then travel through a tunnel out the back of the shop through to the hospital, where there is a closed ward available for them, filled with birthing balls, king-size beds, and kombucha.
Normal Early Labor
You know you're supposed to be timing contractions on the app, but you want to squeeze in a few more refreshes of your Tumblr feed before you call it and get into the car.
Celebrity Active Labor
Hypnotists lull the celebrity into a higher state of being, and they push out their child with a single "om" while swimming in a pool filled with artisanal ocean water. They are handed a fresh guava and shijalit juice laced with Beauty Dust upon delivering. Their child is the blessed child who was foretold.
Normal Active Labor
Incoherent screaming, your partner looking like they might throw up, 20 or 30 medical staff walking in and out as you crown for hours on end, and only sugar-free Jello to sustain you. When your child finally arrives, the room resembles day one of the zombie apocalypse. Your child, though, is the blessed child who was foretold. You feel like the luckiest person on Earth.
*One of these celebrities was John Green, who isn't a celebrity as much as an author who has fashioned a cult out of making 32-year-old women cry about the short lives of teenagers, and the other was Benjamin Barnes, who is very much a celebrity because did you see The Narnia Chronicles, he played an actual prince.