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Beyonce's Secret Post-Baby Workout Plan Is Amazing

by Jenn Rose

I think we can all agree that when she was pregnant, Beyoncé was a straight-up goddess. Her rotund stomach was a thing of true beauty. But now that there are no babies in there anymore, what is Beyonce's secret workout plan to drop the baby weight? It's understandable that she packed on a few pounds while creating two perfect little angels for the tabloids to stalk, but that's over now. She has a duty to uphold; America needs to be entertained, and in case she forgot, our national motto is Adipem Matres Prohibitus, or in English, "No Fat Moms."

True, Bey's got other things to worry about. She's got those twin infants, of course, as well as a daughter about to enter kindergarten, an "athleisure" fashion line, a music streaming service, various charity work and endorsement deals, and sometimes she also sings and performs little shows at arenas and football games and such, a quaint little hobby that I sure hope works out for her one day. But none of that matters right now. A woman's worth is her beauty, plain and simple. Nobody will even notice that she has nearly two dozen Grammys, because they'll be too distracted by her unsightly spare tire. Hire a nanny to take care of those kids, and take a leave of absence from all your jobs (I assume they don't offer maternity leave), because you've got some pounds to shed!

I don't know if Beyoncé is fortunate enough to be able to afford a membership to Curves or a set of Tae Bo VHS tapes, but in case she needs some free tips, I've got a four-point training regimen that will help get her pre-baby bod back fast. And it works for everyone, so fans who find themselves "in the family way" can also use this routine to drop that life-giving weight ASAP.


Forget infant nutrition; everybody knows that the real purpose of breastfeeding is to siphon off hundreds of calories every day! The kids can drink it, I guess, but that's beside the point. Just get that milk out of there by any means necessary.


Simply expressing milk isn't enough to burn all the calories, so Bey will need to really get that heart rate up if she wants to slim down. Good thing her choreography amounts to a masters-level Zumba class. If she wants a little extra oomph, she can also juggle her 22 Grammy awards.


No more eating for three! Beyoncé will now subsist on a well-balanced diet of kale, coconut water, and the tears of her haters.

Weight Training

The secret to a well-rounded workout is strength training in addition to burning calories. It's not just about losing fat; it's about replacing it with muscle. Beyoncé can start by curling those two five-pound weights she just extracted from her uterus. The best part is that they'll increase in weight over time, providing a more challenging workout. They won't mind; that's called bonding! She'll just have be careful, because rumor has it one of them is a girl, and we can't leave the baby without exercise, God forbid she also gain weight. For a more even workout, Bey should alternate them regularly. And once she's worked up to it, the combined weight of her business partners is about two tons, so single-handedly carrying Tidal will get her back in shape in no time.

With all four factors combined, this plan can't miss! Let's just hope she really commits, because she's only allowed two months to get her figure back, lest she be hurled into a volcano as a sacrifice to the gossip gods. Good luck, Bey!