When my daughter started kindergarten I was on maternity leave with my son. Surprisingly, I had the time and patience to pack intricate and nutritional lunches. I purchased one of those super cool bento-type lunch boxes and filled it with protein, carbs, vegetables, fruit, and dairy. I was the rockstar mom; the lunchbox queen. When my ungrateful child kept bringing home hardly eaten lunches, however, I became aggravated. How dare she fail to appreciate my hard work! How dare she disregard my awesomeness! If parents wrote honest lunchbox notes I would have used every ounce of my passive-aggressiveness to tell her exactly how I felt. Sadly, however, parents writing honest lunchbox notes isn't a thing (and I never really wrote any notes, not even nice ones, anyway).
I've seen the lunchbox notes templates on the internet, the "100 Lunchbox Notes To Make Your Kid Smile" articles, and the resentment from the parents who think lunchbox notes are a ridiculous trend. Honestly, I can hardly remember to buy deli meat every week, so I can't possibly put any more focus towards my kid's lunches than I already do. Well, maybe I can, but I definitely don't want to. My kid either gets money or a lunch, but there are no cute notes, no sweet little nothings written on whimsical stationary, and no butterflies or rainbows drawn on post-its. Nothing.
I love my children (for the purposes of the internet, I still feel the need to say that). I love them more every day, but I hate the pressure I feel to be perfect. And while I'm usually able to brush off and ignore "what other moms are doing," sometimes I want to be that mom who writes cutesy little notes to her darling children. I'm just not that mom, though. I tried, but it was just pretense, a facade, and an attempt to be someone I'm not for the sake of appearances. Well, now that that's over, welcome to my honest lunchbox notes:
The All-Carb Diet
An all-carb diet to make your kid smart? It's only weird if it doesn't work, right?
For The Picky Eater
Look, I'm no financier, but I'm pretty positive you need to have a royal family's bank account in order to accommodate a picky eater.
It's All About The Grades
Nothing like a little motivation to stimulate the brain, folks.
Hey, if Ivanka Trump can misquote Albert Einstein on the internet, I can misquote Gandhi on my kid's lunchbox notes. Right?
I Give Up
Honestly, I could just save this one to use at least three out of the five school days a week. Being a full-time working mom of two is no joke, my friends.
Showing Some Love
Truth bombs never hurt anyone.
"When I Was Your Age" Never Gets Old
There's nothing like eating your lunch with a little side of guilt.
School Lunches Need To Step Up Their Game
You only have to compare American school lunches to lunches served in schools around the world to realize we have some work to do, people.
Pizza All Day Every Day
Isn't this every kid's dream, though? Like, you're welcome, kids.
If only we could just be honest about the parts of motherhood that aren't all that fun without a bunch of people endlessly judging you. I'm just going to say it anyway, though: making your kid's lunch every damn day sucks.
How About Some Fish?
At least grandma loves you!
Waste not, want not.
"You get what you get and you don't get upset." - Ghandi
Bonus Points For The Kid Who Gets The Pun
OK, so it turns out mom jokes are just as bad as dad jokes. Whatever.
The Punishment Doesn't Fit The Crime
A mom can only take so much, kid.
It's Time, Child
It's good to foster independence in children, right?
No More Slices For You
Damn. All. Those. Apple. Slices.
A Little Brutal Honesty
(OK, fine. This is obviously a hallow threat. Whatever.)
I Won't Know For Sure
Eating food is way more exciting when you're not entirely sure what you're eating, right?
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold
[Insert evil laugh here]
If Everyone Jumps Off A Bridge...
A mom can only take so many raised eyebrows during those damn parent/teacher conferences.
I Mean, It's True
Be Proud Of Your Creativity
And some time off. And at least five hours of consecutive silence when you get home from school. And a glass of wine. Definitely a glass of wine.
Is Love Truly Unconditional?
The answer is yes, of course, but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it.
I'm A Good Mom
You can't win them all.
A Little Bit Of 'Sesame Street'
Oh, OK. So it's only cool if Murray does it?
At least my kids can't say I'm not fair.