It's weird that you can be spread eagle and shy at the same time. But these things happen. When you're being physically intimate with someone, you might think, my body's doing all the work, so, why do I have to talk? Well, for starters, being intimate means that you're also being vulnerable with your partner, and that's not easy for everyone. Which is exactly why it's crucial you learn how to communicate during sex. Communication during sex can cause a lot of anxiety in people because they don't always know what to say or when to say it, and how their partner is going to react to said communication.
If you get nervous about talking during sex, or have no clue what to say, you're not alone. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships published a study that indicated many people are apprehensive about communicating during sex, and that this apprehension can negatively affect your sexual pleasure. I don't know about you, but if I'm going to do it, I want to reap all the benefits of my sexual encounters, whether I'm with a new partner, or someone I've been intimate with for years. So if that means being more verbal to make sure that all's good under my hood, then so be it.
You might find yourself feeling awkward the first couple times you chat during sex. But don't worry, these guidelines can help you overcome your fear of "private speaking" when communicating with your partner during sex.
1. Be Kind
You should strive to be empathic in all areas of your life, because you want to be a good person. However, being empathic during sex is essential for connection with your partner, according to The Huffington Post. If you can let go of your ego, not only can you increase your capacity for empathy, you can develop a more intimate connection with your partner.
2. Be Crystal Clear
Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen wrote in The Sex & Pleasure Book that clarity is essential for establishing boundaries in bed where you don't want your lover to misunderstand you or your desires. Your lover is not a mind reader, although during such intimate moments, you might feel like your partner should know exactly what you want.
But is that your ego taking over? I know for me, that's sometimes the case. But there's a quick remedy. Just talk it through and be thorough. Talking about sex during sex is essential for having a healthy and fun sex life, noted Psychology Today.
3. Show And Tell
Sex columnist, Christina Wellor told GQ UK that being demonstrative is a fantastic way to communicate during sex and can inspire confidence in your partner. Said Wellor, "If she's unsure about you giving her head while she's on all fours, have her kneel in front of you and squeeze her bottom with both hands - making it clear what a sexy ass she has."
In other words, it's totally OK to let your hands do the talking. Social psychologist Amy Muise told Psychology Today that nonverbal cues are an excellent way of communicating during sex, and might come more naturally.
4. Practice Positive Reinforcement
Piggybacking on the first tip, you can up your communication game by practicing positive reinforcement during sex. In addition to telling your partner what feels good, Women's Health reported that you can also use your body to give your partner positive sexual reinforcement. When you physically give your partner a hint of what you like, you can reiterate it in those afterglow moments.
5. Leave Your Body Image Inhibitions At The Bedroom Door
Sex is not a time to ask your partner if you're fat. Instead of worrying about what your body looks like, think about all the awesome things it can do. Besides, as noted in Thought Catalog, your perception of your body might be askew from reality. So focus on the real orgasms it's about to bring you, and leave the body image concerns in your shrink's office.
6. Skip The Medical Jargon
When you're referring to your and your lover's privates, it's totally sexy, and even preferable, to skip the medical jargon. If you feel silly using words like c*ck or p*ssy, try it once or twice and see if you can get down with slang. Sexologist Dr. Ian Kerner told Cosmopolitan that using slang for body parts keeps you in the moment.
7. Ask If You're Partner Has Climaxed Only After You're Done
Asking, "Did you come?" during the act is the sexual equivalent of asking, "Are we there yet?" Sexologist Megan Andelloux told Men's Fitness that men should never ask a woman if she's climaxed during sex. According to Andelloux, this question puts too much pressure on a woman while making love. However, after you're done, it's totally fine to chat about what gets her off.
8. Talk Dirty
According to Cosmopolitan, there are ways to talk dirty without sounding corny, or like you're starring in a porno. Dirty talk can be "naughty fun," according to the experts at Cosmopolitan, and if you can pull it off, you'll feel like a rock star.
Sexologist, Dr. Ian Kerner told Men's Health that "words can be a powerful aphrodisiac." The same article noted that to talk dirty without feeling foolish, be genuine and have fun. It doesn't hurt to practice alone either. Hey, what do you have to lose but your inhibition?
10. Never Mention A Previous Partner
No one loves hearing about an ex, but this is especially true during sex. According to another article in Cosmopolitan, it's best if you never talk about sex with your ex. Find some other way to express your sexual desires (see list item numbers two and eight). If the unthinkable happens and you mistakenly call out your ex's name, well, er, good luck coming back from that one.
10. Brush Off A Queef Or Fart
During sex, your body might communicate signs of indigestion or friction to your dismay. Psychologist Dr. Debby Herbenick told WebMD that you might unintentionally fart or queef during sex. Embarrassing, sure. But not the end of the world. Herbenick said that if this happens, brush it off. Oh, and cut your partner some slack if you pass wind while he's going down on you and then comes up for air.
11. Feel Free To Say "No" Or "Stop" Or "That Hurts" At Any Time
According to the Anti-Violence Project, the fundamental principle for communicating consent during sex is to acknowledge that no one but you is responsible for expressing your sexual wants. In other words, your first partner is yourself. Know what you want, and understand that your wants can and might change, and that's OK.
People are totally allowed to change their minds about sexual activities at any time, because consent is not a contract. So, never ever feel bad about telling your partner to stop if you find yourself in an uncomfortable sexual situation. Not only is this type of communication vital to your sex life, it will help keep your self-esteem intact.