Chances are, you watch movies about it all the time. You sing songs about it. You may even learn dances that mimic it. Yes, sex is pretty much everywhere. For many people, however, having a real conversation about sex can be daunting. But negotiating your sex life to make sure everyone is happy is one of the most important ways couples can communicate. With this in mind, it's great to know how to discuss changing your sex routine with your partner.
Because even the most liberated people can get shy when discussing this aspect of their lives, it's helpful to start with a few ideas about the best way to kick off this conversation. For instance, casually talking about a new kink while you and your SO are eating dinner may be a fantastic way to broach the subject. Yanking a gimp suit out of the closet when you and your SO are midway through the act may throw your partner for a loop. Not everybody likes surprises.
Above all, trusting your partner and communicating openly are two ways to make sure your sex life is working for everybody. Because no one is a mind reader, you have to verbalize these ideas. Thankfully, there are plenty of fun and playful ways to discuss your sex life that will leave everyone happy and wanting more (conversation, that is).
1. Don't Wait Till The Act
Waiting until you and your SO are mid-coitus is probably not the best time to have a lengthy discussion about the state of your sex life. As noted in Woman's Day, discussing sex while you're lying in bed may feel too vulnerable. The couch or breakfast table may be a less fraught venue.
2. Choose A Good Time
So you're going to have a chat with your partner about sex when you're out of the bedroom. Great. It's also a good idea to make sure you're both in a chill, relaxed frame of mind for this friendly discussion. Waiting until your partner is freaking out about tax returns or something may not be the best time to bring up intimacy.
3. Use Humor
Sure, your sex life is likely a serious part of your relationship. This doesn't mean that your discussions about sex need to be carried out with the gravitas of funeral arrangements. Humor can even strengthen your bond and ease tensions, as noted in Help Guide. Feel free to be silly and make the whole conversation more positive.
4. Don't Criticize
Unless you have previously discussed the state of your relations, your partner likely has no reason to suspect you'd like to change anything. And when you do want to broker change, try to use positive terms, and refrain from criticism. After all, many grown-ass adults still feel a bit self conscious about their ability to be a bombshell in bed.
5. Ask Questions
Make sure this is a friendly conversation, not a monologue. You can ask questions about your partner's fantasies and turn-ons to make sure nothing is left unsaid, according to Your Tango. Again, this can be a fun and enlivening conversation.
6. Listen Attentively
When your partner responds to your new suggestions, listen attentively to the response. Is your SO thrilled to take things in a new direction? Or did you roll out a hidden kink that goes beyond your SO's comfort zone? Listen to the response, and ask plenty of additional questions as you see fit. It's important for you both to understand the other's perspective and needs.
7. Make It Sexy
When proposing a new routine, there's no reason to act like you're discussing a grocery list. Have a little fun. If you propose something that's a little out of left field, do so with a knowing smile.
8. Be Honest
Even the most chill and self-possessed people out there can stumble over sexual conversations. It's OK. But if you're going to discuss a new path with your partner (say, you want to give bondage a try), then be upfront and honest about these desires. If you backtrack or try to play off your offer as a joke, then your partner may not realize you're being serious.
9. Have Solutions In Mind
Thinking things through is also crucial. If you perceive some aspect of your love life as a problem, then by all means propose a solution, as noted in Woman's Day. Mentioning a dip in your lovemaking frequency is one thing; suggesting you have sex more often on weeknights is a more positive conversation altogether.
10. Embrace Changes
It's normal for sexual needs to keep evolving over the course of your life, and it's your job to clue in your SO. Sometimes partners share the same unusual taste in kink, as noted by Psychology Today. You just might luck out: all you have to do is talk.
11. Keep Talking
One and done? That's no way to talk about sex. As your relationship continues to grow and evolve, it's likely your sexual needs will change as well. Maybe you've let sex fall by the wayside as you deal with the demands of childcare, but you'd like to go at it more often now that your kid is older. Whatever the case, try to check in periodically to make sure both parties in the relationship are satisfied.