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How To Instruct Your Partner During Sex In 9 Easy Steps

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Sure, communication is the key to any successful relationship, but sometimes you may feel a bit hesitant to bring up intimate subjects. It’s one thing to joke around with your SO about sex stuff, but really addressing your likes and dislikes may leave you a bit tongue-tied. But don't worry — knowing how to instruct your partner during sex is a skill that even the most shy person can master.

It’s helpful to remember that no one can read your mind. If you never tell your SO exactly how you like things done, then your partner will have no way of guessing. What’s more, as long as your partner is loving and desirous of what’s best for your relationship, your significant other wants to know how exactly how to make you happy. Direct communication can take the guesswork out of the equation and help you both master the secrets of one another’s desires.

It’s also crucial to keep in mind one simple fact: communication does not imply criticism. Sure, your partner probably wants to be the best lover you’ve ever had right out of the gate, but no one’s sexual desires can be guessed. By giving some instructions, you can help your sex life get even better than it already is. Lastly, by keeping an open mind and a sense of humor about the situation, you and your partner can communicate your way into mind-blowing sex.

So if you're ready to make the most of your sexual escapades, here are a few tips for instructing your partner.

1. Put On The Brakes Yourself

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Does your SO go from 0 to 60 before you even have time to take your shoes off? It’s a common dilemma. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easier sexual habits to change. Take a cue from Cosmopolitan and just take charge: instruct your partner when you’re ready for go-time, and encourage foreplay (with your words or actions) instead.

2. Sex-ify The Feedback

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Hey, you don’t have to make a conversation about sex totally serious. As noted in Today, you can deliver the feedback in a playful, sexy way. You can redirect your SO’s touch with your hand, or ramp up your moans when something is going very right.

3. Praise The Positives

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This is a simple enough tip. As noted in Redbook, you can praise what your partner does right to reinforce what you like. No one will bristle at praise.

4. Show, Don’t Tell

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Hey, sometimes actions really do speak louder than words. You can demonstrate to your partner how you like being touched by masturbating for them, as explained by the American Sexual Health Association. Sometimes a bit of exhibitionism can be very informative.

5. Be Direct And Kind

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You can say what you want without resorting to demands (unless you two are into that, in which case proceed as normal). As explained in Thought Catalogue, it’s important to be clear about what you want in bed. Hinting may not be enough.

6. Keep It Light

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Remember: this is the bedroom, not a board meeting. You can have fun with the conversation and help guide your partner to try new things in a playful, joking manner. Seriousness is overrated.

7. Speak Up Early

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Knowing when to speak up can be tricky; for most couples, you hit your stride and any extra talking would be a bit out of place. That’s why it’s smart to request specific sex moves when you’re still in foreplay, as explained in Health. You’re probably both still receptive to spontaneous changes at this point.  

8. Use Compassion

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Speak to your partner the way you would like to be spoken to. If you’re talking about a potentially sensitive subject, approach the topic with compassion and care, as suggested in Refinery 29. Chances are, your partner will be more open to your suggestions.  

9. Just Speak Up

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Sure, it can be unnerving for some people to discuss sex with anyone. But if you go ahead and initiate a conversation about your sexual needs with your partner, then you’re more likely to have those needs met, according to Everyday Health. These conversations can help you both feel more intimate, and it also heads off the potential for feeling frustrated by unmet needs.