How To Pack The Ultimate "Silky Mom" Hospital Bag

If you're halfway silky, you already know that some hospitals have Starbucks inside of them. You might have even chosen which hospital you'd like to deliver at based on whether or not it has a Starbucks. This post is for you. While plenty of well-meaning internet writers are devoting their time to writing "what to pack in your hospital bag" posts, I don't think you need me to tell you to bring underpants three sizes too big. You don't, right? So I'm here instead to tell you how to take the most fraught moment of your life (oh god, the gowns, the communal birthing balls, the terrible, pulpless orange juice) and make it 💅. This piece of internet journalism will tell you exactly how to pack the ultimate silky mom hospital bag.

Not sure whether you're a silky mom? Take this quick test:

What are your feelings on cloth diapers?

a) I'm thinking of sewing my own cloth diapers while I'm pregnant as a way to prepare myself spiritually for the arrival of my child.

b) I do like that they are more environmentally conscious.

c) Disposable diapers keep babies happy for approximately four hours longer than cloth, right? Yeah I'll be Amazon Prime-ing some Swaddlers to my door, tyvm.

What are your feelings on epidurals?

a) Unless I can self-administer the spinal tap, or have my partner participate in puncturing my spinal cord, I don't want one.

b) Can I decide during labor?

c) I would like a PSL, copy of US Weekly, and an epidural at 4 centimeters dilation during labor.

What are your feelings on formula?

a) If I can make it myself with foraged snippings, I am fine with it.

b) Frankly, I don't like the taste of it.

c) Look, I mean if I can't breastfeed then fine, right?

Tally your answers! If you got mostly a's, you're a crunchy mom, and likely not going to a hospital, so don't need a bag! If you got mostly b's, you're a ~scrunchy~ mom — a combination of silky and crunchy. If you got mostly c's, you're a silky mom — come in, take off your Birkenstocks, and slip into the special Victoria's Secret Pink outfit you bought for your birth.

Here's what to pack in your hospital bag for a v v extra post-birth experience.

A Super Long Phone Charger

Look, I’m already glued to my phone, so there’s no reason why I wouldn’t be texting and messaging friends while in labor. If ever, now is the time to check group text friends and family to give them a play by play because all eyes are on you. An extra long phone-charger cord ensures you can text while in laying in bed.

Your Own Comforter

Hot tip: hospital blankets are as thick as a t-shirt and never big enough — certainly not big enough for a mom trying to snuggle with her new baby while a rotating cast of hospital staff parade through the "trying to learn how to breastfeed" show. BYO comforter, ideally made from varsity t-shirts stitched together into a blanket, or one of those fleece-knot throws. You are nesting, goddammit.

Special Slippers

Here is where the Birks come in! If you want to go the extra silky mile, get yourself a pair of North Face down booties. Yes, they're for camping at 15,000 feet normally, but what is getting your cervix to 10 if not your own personal Everest? The down booties have grips on the bottom, but are soft and silky enough to wear in bed. Also they pack down to almost nothing, which your partner will appreciate when they're lugging the rest of your hospital bag in on their back.

All The Outfits

No one tells you that the "looking after your baby after you leave the safety of the hospital" class hosted by the nurses will be an effing fashion parade. NO ONE TOLD ME. Bring some options so you're not the only person there in your civilian-issue hospital gown, wondering if your butt is showing while people prance about in their Club Monaco. Plus, messes happen and you can never have too many changes of clothes if disaster strikes.

An iPhone, Series 7 Or Above

Nothing short of portrait mode will do for capturing those first post-birth moments that will end up printed onto a giant woodblock in the nursery, and, probably, beamed onto a large screen at your child's eventual 18th birthday. You want to look your best.

Five-Page Birth Plan

You can never be too specific, especially when it comes to the birth of your baby. No one is expecting birth to go exactly to plan, but just in case, consider including a vision board of your ideal aesthetic/mood/dialog during birth. This will ensure that when you finally hold the baby in your arms post-c-section or post-push, the first thing anyone says is, "Loves it." To really cover your medical bases, include a flow chart complete with pictures and “if this then do that” scenarios.

Speakers & iPod

No baby of yours is going to be born listening to whatever the nurses are playing at the front desk. You’ve downloaded your favorite mixed songs so you know your baby will be born listening to the right kind of music. When you hit transition, your partner should know to switch to the "stage two" playlist, which kicks things off with "Drunk In Love." That way, you know your baby will make the right kind of entrance.

Illuminator & A High-Vol Mascara

That pearlescent moon glow on my just-delivered complexion? Must be my post-birth high ;) Even for an avowed silky mom, it can feel a little indulgent to be fixing some mascara back on your face after the event of your life, but you are the star of this show, and you deserve to look fetch as all getup through all those post-birth uterine contractions.

Your Seamless App

Silkies aren't putting up with "Greek" "salad" or "turkey" "sandwiches" from the hospital meal service. DID YOU KNOW you can Seamless haute cuisine from your hospital bed? This was your Super Bowl, and you deserve a quality pupusa platter or array of vegan kung pao if that is truly what your heart desires.

Photo Props

STAY WITH ME. Hospitals have roving photographers who come in to offer their services, and typically have some assortment of baskets and blankets to pose your newborn in. Between that and the crappy lighting, what might be your only opportunity to get professional shots of your babe can be ruined. Stun the hell of your photographer by reaching under the bed and pulling out an elvin hat or mermaid tail to pop your baby in and take the shoot to the next level. Highly recommended props: a woodland tail, a lily pad, or just a multicolored knit throw to wrap them in.

Matching Outfits

Matching outfits for you and your infant are a must to ensure you leave the hospital totally twinning so you capture everyone’s attention. Everyone in the hospital lobby will know that not only did you give birth to a fashionable kid, but you’re already best friends.

Some Premo Moisturizer

The dryness is real when you've been pumped full of drugs (probably) and endured surgery or hours of labor (or both), and the standard hospital Eucerin is not going to cut it. Bring an actually nice facial moisturizer so you can feel a little bit looked after while you heal and feed a little baby nonstop.

A List Of Your Favorite Foods

Because you can't think straight after birth, and people will ask what they can bring. Let this be your first big lesson of motherhood: telling people what you want or need is the easiest way to get it. Step one: asking for Shake Shack delivery to your room.

A Birthing Ball

But not just one you could pick up at Target. One individualized and bedazzled with the tag line “Bounce Bounce Baby.” If you want options during labor, you can also consider bringing a peanut ball, good for lying on your side through contractions, which hospitals often don't have.

A Guest Book

I realize this is a hospital, not a wedding reception, but memories fly by fast and you won't have much to remember this crazy early hour of parenthood (beyond those Anne Geddes knockoffs you took). Having a guest book can leave the pressure off you to document every poop and nap in the early days, and also remind you, in more stressed-out moments, of all the people who cared so much they couldn't wait for you to get home before meeting the baby.

A Blinged-Out Capsule-Stroller

If you didn't exit the hospital to the cheers of thousands of adoring fans the first time around, this is your chance! Bedazzle away as you wheel out your precious babe in their chariot. Congrats! You've silkied your way to newborn fame.

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