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I Can Only Have Sex With My Partner When I Fancy Someone Else

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The first few years of parenthood are bleak. The days all roll into one, you don’t have time to brush your hair, drink your hot coffee, or sleep. But worst of all, you don’t feel like yourself. It all make for a dire sex life there for a moment. But it all becomes more interesting when you leave your darling brood at school, and venture back to work. Oh, there’s a new hot guy who is head of the new team. And he holds the door for me and asks how I am! SO HOT. Somehow, with someone else to fancy, my sex life comes roaring back.

Yes, that sounds awful. (OK, really bloody awful.) But the truth of the matter is that after a few years of marriage, a couple of babies later, and a family planner on your fridge that is bursting with conflicting appointments, after-school clubs, music lessons, tutors, and birthday parties so much so that the planner itself looks knackered. I don’t know about you guys, but my relationship ends up feeling like we are on the same tag team, not happy lovers.

I look at my husband like my team-mate. We are working towards the same goal – get the children fed, dressed, out the door, tired out, and then in bed early. We then plonk ourselves in front of the TV and take it in turns to choose our favorite Netflix show.

When does this sexless rut end?? For me, the drought ended when I went back to work.

We are not unhappy as a couple, just in a time of our lives where we are frantically swimming to get across to the other side without drowning in kids' homework and a mountain of washing. Always paddling, or, as the somewhat irritating Dory would say, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” We're somewhere over a deep sea trench headed toward the place where we can relax, not have to organize babysitters, go out, or enjoy each others company without having to referee the bickering over the f**king iPad.

When does this sexless rut end?? For me, the drought ended when I went back to work and slowly became myself again. OK, so going back to work after kids is a total juggling act, which gets a bit of getting used to. If you have been out of the game for a while, it can be wholly debilitating, confidence-wise. But the plus side to going back to work (even part time) is getting to speak to actual grown adults. Not those same faces you see who serve your takeaway coffee on a daily basis or who glance at you with sympathetic look that says, “Ahh, bless” when you are clearly on the verge of crying with exhaustion at the 10 a.m. mid-school break.

Being within a new work environment means you get to meet sparkly new people. I’m not talking about initiating actual affairs — just engaging in a nice, ego-buffing flirtation. Chatting to Mark from Accounts, who talks to you politely without eye rolling when you remind him of a task (plus he smells really good), or to James from Advertising, who is so different to your husband, you can feel a bit buoyed. At least for a few minutes a day. Feel a little ~lift~ in your spirits.

Alright maybe it does sound like I’m condoning infidelity. I’m not. Actually, I think the more secure you are in your relationship, you can happily enjoy the company of others (like accepting a nice compliment; not shagging in the stationary cupboard.) It can help you feel shiny and new. Desirable, if you will.

Maybe I do fancy guys I’ve met in meetings. Maybe I think about them to get turned on… is that bad?

I’ve been lucky enough to end up with someone I definitely have and always will enjoy having sex with, but yeah it becomes an easy pattern of events and is definitely functional. He gets the job done. Gone are the days when we would go all night, then again in the morning, and do all positions listed in the karma sutra. I just am too bloody tired.

But since going back to work my enthusiasm has felt energized, I feel inspired. Maybe I do fancy guys I’ve met in meetings. Maybe I think about them to get turned on… is that bad? I don’t think so, as long as I don’t act on it or invite any kind of naughty behavior.

Mums, especially when the children are little, are like unpaid, unappreciated housemaids. (On a holiday once, my son watched the staff come in for turn-down service and noted that they were doing Mum's job.) It goes without saying that motherhood is rewarding — even more so when your child grows up and actually learns to thank you for everything you are doing for them without being prompted. It fills my heart with pure love. BUT as a new Mum, it’s pretty thankless. When you go out into civilization you are seen as a limb to your buggy, not as a woman. Or at least that’s how I felt.

Blessed are the harmless office flirters, because there are lines that cannot be crossed — but a girl can still use her imagination.