Being a new mom means (usually) sacrificing basic integrity in the name of survival. Kids are equally parts draining and exhilarating (but totally worth it, FYI). I wouldn't dare say I'm a "seasoned" mom, but I've managed to squeeze out two littles in the last ten years and have learned a thing or two — some of which could be a book's length of pick-up lines for new moms. We're our own special breed, aren't we? (In an amazing, inspired way, of course.)
I admit, when I was a brand new mom I didn't know what the hell I was doing. It's honestly a miracle everyone came out alive (barely). Going from single lady with a zest for life to instant mom and caregiver, well, you could say we had a transitional period (that we're still working through). I can't tell you how often I ate crumbs from the floor, wore the same shirt to avoid laundry, and "conveniently" turned the monitor off when I had to get an extra few minutes of sleep. By the time my second baby was born I thought I was completely prepared, but it really wasn't much easier. As it turns out, it's pretty tricky to nurse a newborn while playing with your 5-year-old, but I digress.
My partner has always been supportive and though he works endless hours, leaving me to the kids, chores, errands, and additional stresses all to my lonesome, if he ever wanted to woo me all he'd have to do is spit out a fresh pick-up line such as any of the below. Get ready to have your socks knocked clean off (just don't ask me to pick up after you).
"If You're About To Lose It, I Can't Tell!"
Seriously, girl. You make "overwhelmed" look easy. Whatever you're doing, keep it up. Forget about delegating. You're rocking this new mom thing like the badass you are. Also, the crazed look in your eye really does it for me. Keeps things interesting.
"Can I Refill Your Coffee Mug With Wine?"
I appreciate my coffee in the morning and my fermented grapes at night (once nursing is off the table, of course) so the fastest way to my heart is to offer one of each. Thanks in advance.
"You Look Way Too Young To Have Children"
*Gasp* Surely you're not talking to me! Oh, you are? Well, aren't you my new favorite person on the planet now! I do watch a lot of Nickelodeon, if that's what you mean.
"I Love The Way You Order Takeout"
Why yes, picking up my phone to dial and speak to another person is really hard so thank you for noticing and giving credit where credit is due. I'm also really good at maneuvering a drive-through and whipping up something made from whatever expired canned goods I can find in the cupboard.
"I Was Hoping You'd Wear That Shirt Again"
I guess I am pretty rad for continuously pulling off the same shirt I've been wearing for the last five days. I knew it'd make you smile and I also don't want to do any more damn laundry.
"You Look Like You Need To Talk. Tell Me Everything."
There's nothing more magical in the history of the English language (or any other language, for that matter) than "tell me everything." It's an aphrodisiac and literally the only words I want to hear after a long day of mommy stuff. If you say this, I'm yours (after the baby goes to bed).
"I Actually Prefer The No Makeup Look"
In my younger, pre-baby years, I spent so much time putting makeup on it's a wonder I ever made it out of the house. Now? The natural look is where it's at! I still put some effort into it — because it makes me feel good — but no need for all the things. Take me as I am or not at all, I always say.
"Come To This Playground Often?"
There are fewer awkward moments than having your baby out in public somewhere, trying to make small talk with strangers you don't know. However, if you make cheesy small talk, it somehow negates the weirdness. So no, I don't come to this playground often, I have a deep love of cats, and I prefer my chocolate dark. How about you?
"I See Your Baby Poops Herself, Too. Wanna Grab Coffee?"
We have so much in common! Your baby poops, my baby poops, we all poop! Tell me this isn't kismet! If you say your baby also spits up, I'll just assume the stars aligned for us to meet here and now.
Hey, new moms. If you're feeling all of this right now, I've been there. Some things you hear might be a little too real in the moment, and I know you want to meet new people, but trust me when I say no matter where you're at in the journey, you'll probably never stop eating pizza out of the trash, even when your kids are bigger. I haven't (hello five second rule).