Romper

I Wrote Erotic Friend Fiction Like Tina Belcher, & Here's What Happened

Tina Belcher of Bob's Burgers is the hero we deserve. She's a strong, smart, sensual woman; she's a budding feminist and she puts her bra on one boob at a time, just like the rest of us. She's also the inventor of erotic friend fiction, and let me tell you, I think it's an art form that's going to catch on. For one thing, Tina Belcher loves butts, erotic friend fiction is all about butts, and butts are so in right now. How many more times can I say butts? Butts, butts, butts! But seriously, I think Tina Belcher is a great character for young girls to look up to. She's true to herself, and she's in command of her own sexuality. She's able to talk about sex without being gross or inappropriate, and her parents, Bob and Linda (especially Linda) are always supportive of her, even when she reads her erotic friend fiction in front of the entire school at lunch time. She's also delightfully weird, which is something I don't see often enough on TV (weird, yes, delightful, not so much).

The Experiment

I'm proud to say that I have a very good-looking group of friends. Like, seriously attractive. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had weird sex dreams about almost every single one of my pals. Also, I met most of my friends while we were in school for creative writing. I'm honestly surprised that I've never written erotic friend fiction about any of them before. So I decided to give it a try. I'd write erotic friend fiction like Tina Belcher, only my story would guest-star all of my friends.

And yes, of course it would be about butts.

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Erotic Friend Fiction: A Writer's Guide

Erotic friend fiction (EFF) is a subtle art. Luckily, I'm very familiar with the source material:

Everyone's EFF is going to differ based on your own personal style and taste. However, there are a few constants.

  1. Your erotic friend fiction must have a catchy title.
  2. Get to the point! EFF is short and sweet.
  3. Erotic friend fiction is subversive; there's nothing too hardcore happening. Creativity is key.
  4. Your erotic friend fiction must include zombies, or some other similarly spooky/sexy creature of the night.
  5. Do I have to say it again? BUTTS!

I picked a few of my sexiest pals and wrote some erotic friend fiction about them. Of course, I asked their permission before I put it on the Internet. Consent is one of the cornerstones of erotic friend fiction.

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What's In A Name?

Tina Belcher's erotic friend fiction was a play on Footloose. For mine, I wanted to choose a movie that would have meaning to my particular friend group. The Rocky Horror Picture Show sprang to mind, but then I needed to figure out how to fit "butts" into the title. The Rocky Horror Butt Show? The Butt Horror Picture Show? (Yikes!) I settled on The Rocky Horror Picture Butt. I'm not sure what a "picture butt" would be, but I liked the sound of it.

Next, I had to figure out what creatures of the night I would use to supplement my friend group in the story. Tina Belcher prefers zombies, but to be honest, I've never found them to be all that titilating. Vampires would be the obvious choice, but that seems a bit overdone. Then it hit me: witches! Witches are the most feminist creature of the night, in my opinion.

Casting was easy, because I've honestly thought about which of my friends would play each character in Rocky Horror multiple times before. I didn't plan it out too much; I just poured myself a gin and tonic and got to work!

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The Finished Product: The Rocky Horror Picture Butt

It was a dark and stormy night when Ellie and Taylor's car broke down in the middle of nowhere. They were a bit square, and they never touched each other's butts at all. But that all changed when they knocked on the door of the spooky mansion and asked to use the phone.

Inside the mansion, it was a butt-touching extravaganza. Erin was touching Cara's butt. A witch played by Jessica Lange was touching Stacey's butt. Everyone was gyrating and breaking out into spontaneous bouts of song and dance.

Ellie and Taylor kept saying that they just wanted to use the phone. But then Joelle came in and sang a badass song, and showed Ellie and Taylor the man she created just for butt touching. His name was Reece, and he was so spectacularly beautiful that Ellie and Taylor immediately wanted to touch his butt.

And they did, and it was awesome.

The End.

As I was writing, I realized that this EFF will be utterly meaningless to anyone reading it who isn't my friend/doesn't know any of my friends. But I think that's sort of the point, right?

Butt Seriously, It Was Awesome

Erotic friend fiction is not that erotic. And that's the point! It's meant to make you laugh, not turn you on. I definitely felt a little silly while I was writing it, but I also thought it was kind of hilarious. It would make a fun party game, hanging out in a big group and seeing who could come up with the funniest erotic friend fiction storyline.  

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I like to think that I have a pretty great sense of humor. I like to laugh, and I don't like to take myself too seriously. I also like to dissect things; I think there's value in looking at things below the surface, even if they seem like they're just meant to be silly and fun. Bob's Burgers is a silly, fun show, and Tina Belcher is a silly, fun character. The concept of erotic friend fiction is hilarious, but I also think *puts on feminist killjoy hat* that the idea raises interesting questions that are worth talking about.

Tina is a young teenage girl whose sexuality is a very prominent part of her character. That's not unusual for teenage girls in pop culture, but Tina is different, because she is in total control of her sexual identity. I think people are sometimes disturbed by the idea of teenagers having sexuality, and of sexuality being a prominent thing in a young person's life. But teen sexuality is a reality, and instead of over exaggerating it, or dismissing it all together, I think it's time to acknowledge it and provide support, information, and more role models like Tina Belcher. At the very least, I want that for my own daughter. And hey, if the kids start reading erotic friend fiction instead of watching porn, that couldn't hurt, either.

Images: FOX, Giphy (4) , C. Neil Scott/YouTube