Team USA's men's gymnastics team truly is astonishing to watch. Watching those five petite young boys fly through the air effortlessly, unashamed of their muscular bodies... Sounds strange, doesn't it? If I wrote about the women's team that way, it wouldn't raise nearly as many eyebrows, but if commentators talked about male gymnasts the way they do female gymnasts, trust me, the world would take notice. Of course, many people are rightfully calling out the sexist comments the women's team has been receiving.
And the gymnasts are far from the only women competing in the Olympics that have been subjected to sexist garbage; Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu’s husband is supposedly responsible for her win on Saturday (even though he wasn't in the pool), and Corey Cogdell-Unrein was recently referred to not as a bronze medal winning trap shooter, but as the wife of a Bears lineman. But by and large, the gymnasts are the subjects of condescension, perhaps because in addition to being female, they happen to be short (never mind that they're strong as hell and could no doubt kick the butts of every rude old man with a microphone in Rio right now). So what would it sound like if I, a rude old woman, talked about the male gymnasts the same way?
They Might As Well Be Standing In A Mall!
Look at those boys, just hanging around, not doing anything significant like, say, shattering world records. They look just like any other boy, standing in a mall and giggling about their celebrity crushes.
Lucky Sam Mikulak Gets To Keep Those Cute Shorts!
Look how beautiful his outfit is! Mikulak's clothes, designed by Under Armour, feature eye-catching stars and stripes, drawing the eye upward towards his pretty face. Unfortunately, there's no word on how much it cost.
Check Out Chris Brooks' Sassy Floor Routine!
He's just so cute and spunky! He's like a human emoji!
Why Don't They Have Their Hands Over Their Hearts?
What are they thinking, keeping their arms at their sides? That's un-American! Don't they know that when listening to America's ode to war, you should place your hand over your heart, the organ responsible for love and patriotism? Otherwise, when they get to the part about bombs, it can swell so much with national pride that it bursts, and you'll die right there.
Just One More Male Gymnast To Sit Through
Listen, I know you're being held against your will and forced to watch gymnastics right now, but don't worry, it's almost over. You only have to sit through one more, and then we can get to the stuff that really matters, like ping pong.
I'm In Love With Jacob Dalton's Effervescence & Eyes
I guess he's also good at hanging from rings or whatever, but his best qualities are clearly his bubbly personality and his long, luscious lashes. What a cutie!
Sam Mikulak Has A Great Smile
I wonder where he learned to bare his teeth like that? He sure has a pretty mouth.
Alexander Naddour Isn't That Good At Tumbling
Sure, the governing body of U.S. gymnastics thinks he's qualified to represent his country in the Olympics, but he could be better.
Look At All This Eye Candy
Nom nom nom. Eat it up, sports fans. Are they all of age? Who cares! Doesn't matter if you're only looking, am I right?
Look At That Little Thing! I Want To Put Him In My Pocket!
Danell Leyva is just so tiny and adorable. He's like a doll! He's not human at all! I wish to possess him, and imprison him inside my clothing, because that's what I do to small objects.
Absurd, right? And yet, every one of those statements is either similar or identical to actual Olympic commentary regarding the women gymnasts. And yes, they are women, not girls. While some of them may not be legally defined as adults yet, they are physically and emotionally mature, they're competing in women's gymnastics.