Is Peter Thiel A Vampire? Twitter Thinks So
Perhaps you've sensed him, as you've walked the streets of Silicon Valley at midnight. A fluttering of bat-wings pierced your awareness, a glint of fangs flashed in the dark. "I want to suck your blood," Peter Thiel, the vampire, murmured in your ear. "Also, sign up for Paypal."
Or maybe you saw him in the hallways at school. You were the clumsy new kid. He was strangely pale, and never went into the sun. You woke up one night to find him in your room, watching you sleep. You thought it was true love. But then he pulled off his mask, revealing the face of a 48-year-old venture capitalist and billionaire who recently endorsed Trump at the RNC. Edward Cullen was Peter Thiel all along, and he just wanted your young blood so he could live forever.
All joking aside, Peter Thiel is not an immortal vampire—yet. But in his quest to make humans (or at least himself) live longer than they're probably supposed to, he has expressed interest in a new technique called parabiosis, in which the blood of young people is infused into the veins of older people in order to "rejuvenate" them.
When news of Thiel's interest in, as Thiel-nemesis Gawker put it, "harvesting the blood of the young" leaked out, people on Twitter immediately had a field day.
Please sign my https://t.co/onLFB75tdt petition: Brick Peter Thiel Up In A Tower So He Can No Longer Drain The Blood Of The Local Peasantry— SNAKE CHURCH (@bombsfall) August 1, 2016
Peter Thiel becoming a true aristocrat through vampirism is poetic AF pic.twitter.com/VAF1IVRyeD— The Infamous Sergio (@NostromoSerg) August 1, 2016
Peter Thiel building imposing castle in Transylvania, cackling wickedly— idk (@idkrlyanymore) August 1, 2016
weird - took a selfie with Peter Thiel but something must have gone wrong with the camera pic.twitter.com/4fGrKexwpM— Rob Beschizza (@Beschizza) August 1, 2016
There's that sad moment in every person's life when you realize that you are too old for Peter Thiel to want to drink your blood— Reyhan Harmanci (@harmancipants) August 1, 2016
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE PIC Peter Thiel Begins Rejuvenation Experiments With the Blood of Young People pic.twitter.com/Wktsov1zrm— Harold Itzkowitz (@HaroldItz) August 1, 2016
HRC thought she broke the glass ceiling, but just wait until the GOP nominates brilliant, gay, CEO, libertarian, vampire Peter Thiel in 2020— Matt McD (@GovMatt) August 1, 2016
In an interview with CBS, Thiel expressed his views on death, saying, "There are all these people who say that death is natural, it's just part of life, and I think that nothing can be further from the truth." He has also previously said he doesn't believe in "the ideology of the inevitability of the death of every individual," which I always thought was more of a fact than an "ideology." And though he's previously looked into gene modification, and healthy living, such paltry measures are clearly no longer enough for him. He must have blood, and it must be young.
So far parabiosis is just in trial stages for humans, although it has previously been tested on mice, but Peter Thiel is watching. Peter Thiel is always watching, and he will continue to do so until the end of time. The oceans will rise and humans will tear one another apart, and Peter Thiel will wander this ravaged Earth, alone, immortal, until the sun winks out and the planet explodes. And even then, he will not die. He will rise from the swirling ashes and float through space, whispering to the stars that he has a great idea for a start-up.