For all those times you've needed an outlet to release the pent-up frustrations of childbirth, motherhood, or breastfeeding, Jennifer Garner has got you covered. In The Ellen DeGeneres Show's Mother's Day special on Thursday, actress, mom, and apparent rapper Jennifer Garner rapped about cracked nipples while breastfeeding, painful hoohas, and changing endless diapers. And if you've been there, you will love her hilarious-yet-all-too-real music video.
Typically, talk show guests only get one or two segments worth of screen time. However, DeGeneres decided to go all out with her Mother's Day special, inviting Garner on as a co-host for the entire hour. The highlight of said hour was definitely Garner's music video, which starts off with her gently strumming on a guitar and singing in a soft, high-pitched voice.
"Motherhood is a beautiful thing. It fills your heart with joy, and makes you wanna sing," she sweetly sings to the audience, which is completely filled with pregnant women. "But to all the pregnant ladies at The Ellen Show, there's a few things that you should know."
Then, she tosses the guitar aside, grabs a mic, and begins to rap. Her opening line? "Imagine squeezing something out the size of a watermelon, how much pain is that, there'll be a lot of swellin'."
Garner's rap then continues by going through several other glorious aspects of early motherhood. She sings:
And breastfeeding, it ain't simple. One false move, you got a cracked nipple.
Nipple pain during breastfeeding is something new moms are way too familiar with. Garner continues:
You'll be up all night, groggy all day, jonesing for a bottle of Chardonnay.
Her rap continues:
You'll retain more water than the hoover damn, and change enough diapers to fill a moving van.
Whether you go with a doctor or a doula, it'll take weeks to heal your hooha.
People will keep asking when the baby's due, and you'll be like, "Three months ago, I thought you knew."
Either that's a reference to holding onto baby weight after giving birth, or to carrying a very overdue child. (A 12-month pregnancy sounds truly awful.)
Then, Garner switches back to her syrupy-sweet singing voice, grabs the guitar, and slowly sings: "But motherhood... is a beautiful thing."
While Garner (or whoever wrote the rap) definitely chose some truly terrible aspects of childbirth recovery, setting it to rap definitely made all the misery feel much funnier — as did DeGeneres' cameo in the video. Take a look at her pregnant Kardashian look:
Garner also got pretty creative with props:
The episode is also filled with plenty of other motherhood segments featuring the actress, who has three children: Violet, 12, Seraphina, 9, and Samuel, 6, as noted by People. In addition to performing farm animal noises and getting a pretty well-timed scare, Garner told the story of finding out about her first pregnancy. Even though her doctor and her pregnancy test could not confirm that she expecting, she woke up one morning and knew in her heart that she was — and she turned out to be right.
So next time you feel overwhelmed by cracked nipples and healing hoohas, just remember: "Motherhood... is a beautiful thing."