From Jackie and Kelso, to Mrs. and Mr., to mom and dad; I have watched Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher grow in their relationship with pride and just a tinge of envy. Together, the two have blossomed into serious couple goals and have grown an adorable family together. And as Mila Kunis' funniest parenting quotes show, motherhood hasn't taken away her sense of humor — if anything, it has added to it.
The couple welcomed their first child, Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher, at 1:23 a.m. on Wednesday Oct. 1, 2014, People reported. “Mila and I would like to welcome Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world. May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health, happiness, curiosity, and privacy,” Kutcher wrote on his website to announce their entrance to parenthood. Just nine months later, Kunis and Kutcher married in July 2015 in secret garden ceremony, according to People. The two kept the details of their new baby and their wedding under wraps.
Their second child, Dimitri Portwood Kutcher, was born at 1:21 a.m. on Nov. 30, 2016, weighing 8 pounds and 15 ounces, according to a statement posted on Kutcher's website. Despite the secrecy surrounding the big events in their lives, Kunis and Kutcher have opened up numerous times about their experiences as parents. Kunis, in particular, has made use of her comedic talents to share with her fans what motherhood looks like through her eyes.
On Car Seats
In an interview with Babble, Kunis shared that she doesn't quite have the whole car seat thing down yet. Just when she thought that she was winning at parenting, she had quite the humbling experience:
[As] I’m driving down the 101, I was like "Oh my God, I’m doing really good today." [Wyatt] was being really quiet, and I was like, "Oh, let me look in the rearview mirror to make sure everything’s okay." And I look, and she’s happy as can be, but just not nearly strapped in. I was like, "oh, f*ck me." I think I just turned white.
On Not "Letting Loose" Like She Used To
Some people say that parenthood makes you boring. I say that it makes you appreciate the value of a good night's sleep — and it seems like Kunis aggress with me. She told Entertainment Tonight that her idea of a wild night has changed a bit since becoming a mom:
I can let loose as much as I want, but at 6:45 in the morning, she’s awake and so am I. [She doesn’t] care if I let loose the night before, so I can only let loose so much, to be honest I don’t know what letting loose means. Probably not going to sleep at 9:30!
On Babies' Personalities (Or Lack Thereof)
Every child has their own personality, but it takes a while for them to show themselves fully. During an interview with E! News, Kunis shared that little Dimitri hasn't started irritating her yet — probably because of how young he is:
My not-even-1-year-old, he's a lump of meat. Like, I love him, but he's, you know, 10 months old.
On Kids Being Totally Wacky
Little Wyatt is adorable, but — like most toddlers — she's also kind of nuts. I guess it has something to do with their still-developing brains, but it does make them look like little wild weirdos. As Kunis told People:
She’s crazy. Kids are crazy. I don’t really understand how they’re all alive.
Like, *Seriously* Reckless
Yes, they're cute. But they're also terrifying, as Kunis told Us Weekly:
Children are f—king crazy. They’re also suicidal. Like, at the park, certain jungle gyms have an opening for older kids to jump out of. She’s 19 months; she can’t jump. She just walks off it as if she’s on a pirate ship.
On Dads Saying "We're Pregnant"
This was the one phrase that my husband and I agreed early on that we wouldn't ever use to explain to people that our family was growing by one. "We're going to have a baby," sure. "We're expecting," OK. But "We're pregnant?" No. Just no. And, judging by what she once told Jimmy Kimmel, Kunis agrees with us:
You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila. Do you know how many shots of tequila we had? None.
You don't know loyalty until you look into the tiny face of your offspring and realize that you would do anything for them. For Kunis, according to Business Insider, that extends to covering up a murder:
I think if [Wyatt] killed someone, I would literally be like, "I got it; where do you want me to help you bury the body?" I wouldn't even question it, and I can't say that about anybody else in my life.
Parenting can get heavy sometimes, and a few laughs never hurt. But all jokes aside, it is clear that Kunis loves her children and being a mom, and I love that.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.