Photo courtesy of Virginia Duan

My Partner & I Sleep In Separate Beds, In Separate Rooms

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I’m not sure when the last time my husband and I slept together in the same bed. Now, before I continue. That doesn’t mean we don’t have sex. It just means that at night time, we do not sleep in the same room. (Also, I promised I would portray my husband as an amazing lover but then he told me there was no need to lie. Make of that what you will.)

Truthfully, my husband is a great bedmate. He doesn’t care what side of the bed he sleeps on, has zero preference of particular pillows or blankets or mattress firmness or anything that I care about so like most things in our life together, I get my way. (If that’s not a recommendation to his good sense, I don’t know what is.) The only thing that annoys me is that he doesn’t understand how to use a topsheet. (And perhaps, he also doesn’t comprehend how fitted sheets have corners that correspond to the corners on a mattress. But now I’m just being mean.)

He does occasionally snore, but if I can ignore the whining and crying of four small children, I can ignore the sonorous emissions of a large man. Also, he usually stops if I punch him. (Gently, of course, and with love.)

Prior to having children, I was of the opinion that bed-sharing with your kids was weird and that sleeping in separate bedrooms was indicative of problems in the marriage. My pre-child self was a judgy, self-righteous person that no one liked. I’m not saying I am any different now, but at least now I know.

Now I am of the opinion that if it’s not a problem with either party, why fight fate? Because though I love my four children unto distraction, I love them most when they’re asleep in the safety of their beds. Thus, I will do anything and everything to get them to that blissful moment of blessed, blessed silence. (Including contemplate drugging them.)

Currently, the sleeping arrangement is as follows: I sleep in our master bedroom on the king bed with our 2-and-a-half-year-old toddler. My husband sleeps in various configurations with our older three children.

I have done every type of sleeping thing with my kids. Stay in bed with your kid until they fall asleep and then sneak away. Bed-sharing. Cry-it-out sleep training. (This also triggered an endless loop of anxiety, wherein I was convinced that the sound of my oldest crying himself to sleep would be the crying he’d do if someone came and murdered my husband and I in our sleep but left him alive on a Friday night and my son would be crying himself hoarse in his room until Monday night when my mother dropped by to see him, thus turning him into Dexter. I also may or may not have concocted an elaborate texting system to ensure that this did not happen.)

Bed-sharing saves lives, friends.

Photo courtesy of Virginia Duan

Currently, the sleeping arrangement is as follows: I sleep in our master bedroom on the king bed with our 2-and-a-half-year-old toddler. My husband sleeps in various configurations with our older three children. Sometimes, he’s on the queen bed in the guest room with 0-3 other children. Sometimes, he’s in the kids’ room on the full bed with 0-3 other children. Sometimes, my almost-6-year-old will be found curled up on the floor next to him.

On nights I leave the home to write at my local boba shop, my husband sleeps with all four kids on our king bed. I come home to a human tetris and shake my husband awake to carry the older three children to their room. Technically, my husband could then just stay in our room because all the kids are asleep and since he regularly wakes up at 5 a.m. like the masochist he is, the kids aren’t upset when he’s not in bed with them.

If you’re already not communicating and dislike each other, I don’t see how sharing a bed solves things.

But if you have ever shared a bed with a toddler, you know that it doesn’t matter how large your mattress is, you will be on the edge of the mattress in the morning with stinky toddler feet smashed onto your face.

So, no. Go sleep in another bed, husband. This one’s mine with my super bossy babiest baby who I will nurse until he is thirty because he’s my last and that’s not weird at all.

Look. I get why people say that sleeping in separate rooms can be a bad thing for marriage. But honestly, if you’re already not communicating and dislike each other, I don’t see how sharing a bed solves things. And if you have a perfectly cromulent relationship (no better or worse than the average couple), and if no party is opposed, what’s the big deal where you sleep?

Sure, maybe the kids will get odd notions that life is flexible and doesn’t look like the movies, but when is that a bad thing? The sooner we disillusion our children to the lies of romance and love the better.

Besides, the kids love sleeping with their father and when asked, he will also admit that he loves it. And though my kids claim they hate sleeping with me, they still always come into my room right before bed to hug me and snuggle, despite having an entire day to do this since we homeschool. Of course they only come to me when it’s time to delay actual slumber, but I let them because one day, my kids will stop doing this and then I will weep to myself loudly in a corner.

Anyhow, my kids love my husband so much they fight over who gets to sleep next to him. But these same kids who want to snuggle with me? No one wants to sleep with me because I get big mad when they don’t immediately lay down and STFU (which apparently is an unreasonable expectation). This makes me feel both unwanted and relieved all at the same time.

The most important takeaway then is thus: do whatever you need to do to get those cute but annoying tiny humans to sleep so you can go on and live your best life surfing the internet on your phone. I have the rest of our lives to sleep with my husband and only a few short years with fat babies. Let me live already.