Open Letter To My Body On The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant

Dear Body of Mine,

Congratulations! And, I’m sorry. I have good news and bad news. The good news is we're going to be having a baby. The bad news is you’re going to be growing it inside of you and the process is going to be painful. You’re going to be changing, growing, and stretching. There are going to be things you won’t understand, pains you’ve never experienced, and your hormones will be going nuts throughout the duration of all of this. For the next nine months (ha, just kidding — probably more than 9 months), you’re going to go through something that is both beautiful and agonizing. It will be the best thing you’ll ever do (maybe) and also the scariest (probably); You might love it... but you might not. I can promise you that I will be grateful to you for the rest of our life for doing this hard thing.

Many of the changes about to take place, some of the icky stuff, will go away in nine months. Some of the changes will be permanent. Some of the changes will fall somewhere in between nine months and permanent. I know that right now, if you’re reading this in the early morning, there’s a thick layer of vomit rising in your throat. That’s perfectly normal and it will be happening a lot. Don’t worry, that’s one of the things that will go away – for some people, it even goes away in less than nine months. I apologize again but that won’t be the case for you; we're going to be pregnant longer than that, and those last few weeks are going to be brutal. As you head into this unsettling time, there are some things I’d like you to know:

The Throwing Up Part Sucks

Body, things are about to get gross. This is going to be the worst for the first few months. You’ll frequently find yourself huddled over a toilet bowl. Food will not appeal to you at all. Sometimes, even the smell of food will send you running for the bathroom. You have to find a way to eat something. You have to fight through the tears and get some nourishment. On the bright side, bean and cheese burritos will never taste better than they do right now. And avocado. And papaya. I promise to feed you a lot of these things!

Stretch Marks Are Rough

There’s no real way to avoid them. I'll try using cocoa butter and it will seem to work until we're eight and a half months pregnant, but basically you’re screwed. You’re going to end up with some fabulous ones right around your belly button – making it look like a sun. It’s OK. These will come from the precious kicks of your baby girl. By “precious kicks” I mean the violent feet of destruction she will use as weapons against you. Don't worry about these stretch marks. I promise not to talk sh*t about you because of them. I promise to love you just the same, if not more.

You’re Going To Have More Cleavage

Finally! This part is going to be fun — we've never had big boobs before! I mean, yes, our small boobs are awesome, but it's always exciting to see how the other half lives. But they’re going to leak and the rest of you is going to feel so disgusting that it’s not going to matter. Still, wear at least one scandalous shirt and enjoy it because our boobs are going to be tiny again once we stop breastfeeding.

It’s Going To Hurt

I want to speak to my chest and digestive system for a minute here: Things are about to get very real in there. The reality is that we're going to experience heartburn that will make me want to cut open my chest and pour ice in it (I won't!), swelling that will make those bee stings we're allergic to feel like nothing, back pain akin to sleeping on spikes, vomiting spells worse than alcohol poisoning (which is even more unfair since we're not even able to drink alcohol), and then there’s labor. Labor is awful. I won't go into more details about that because... frankly, it's better if you don't know. I promise to do everything I can to make that pain more bearable, and I especially promise to treat you so kindly after it's over.

It’s Totally Worth It

The most important thing I want you to know is that it’s worth it. Things will be rough for a while. You’re going to be changed forever and, apart from the awesome hips you’ll be rocking, the changes aren’t ones we thought we wanted. But we are going to be a mom to an incredible little kid. And when it’s all over, you’d be more than happy to do it all over again. (No, stop crying, I didn't mean right now.)

Images: Nate Grigg/Flickr; Giphy(5)