On Wednesday, Amazon introduced a new service that's truly a marvel of modern technology, and to some, also rather worrisome. People are having hilarious reactions to Amazon Key, the service that allows Amazon couriers (and others) access to customers' homes while they're out. Amazon Key works by integrating a smart lock with the Amazon Cloud Cam home security camera to grant temporary access to delivery drivers, so they can drop your packages inside your front door. Customers can also choose to grant temporary or permanent access to friends, dog walkers, and whomever else they trust not to rob them, I guess.
Nobody likes coming home to a rain-soaked package on their doorstep, and it sure would be convenient not to have to worry about copying and sharing your keys every time a friend watches your cats for the weekend, but something about inviting an online retail giant into your home is making some people a bit uncomfortable. I mean, we already trust Amazon with our credit card numbers, our Fire TV Sticks are tracking our view habits, and Alexa is always listening, but being able to waltz right in the front door is... Well, it's a lot to ask. Twitter users are full of commentary on the new technological terror Amazon's constructed.
Yes, I am very comfortable with a complete stranger gaining access to my home after a quick knock. I mean, maybe I couldn't hear them because I was in the shower, and now I'm wet and naked and vulnerable, but the convenience of not having to actually turn my doorknob is priceless!
The announcement for Amazon Key touts the convenience of in-home delivery and specifically suggests granting access to dog walkers, but further down the page, the company warns that in-home delivery is not recommended "if your pet can access the front door on delivery day." Are we supposed to have some sort of tiered access protocol that only allows deliveries after the dog walker's retina has been scanned, or what?
Haha, you fool, it's not free with Prime! It costs $250 to let Amazon into your closet — I mean, just inside the front door and then right back out again.
Now why would they need to do that? A web-enabled Amazon Cloud Cam with night vision, two-way audio, and artificial intelligence is already included in the Amazon Key package! And for $69 a year, they'll even let you see the footage!
Don't worry, Amazon drivers are subjected to background checks. Of course, that won't show anything if they've never been caught, but still, should be fine.
Yeah, right, the U.S. government would never use Amazon to mess with us. That's as crazy as the Russian government using Facebook to... Oh, right. Never mind.
Bonus adrenaline rush included in every order!
If Netflix does even half as good of a job as Lifetime did, I am totally on board.
Just try not to look too appealing to anyone with moderate hacking skills.
I mean, I always get a nervous feeling when someone knocks on my door, so if they can just skip that step, it'll be much easier on my constitution.
Remember the good old days, when Amazon just sold books, instead of inserting itself into every aspect of our lives?
Hey, they already took over a chain of high-end grocery stores and dramatically dropped prices in order to entice more customers into letting them track their shopping patterns. What more could they hope to learn by watching us?
The robots are coming for us all. The best we can do is raise our kids to learn how to reprogram them, send them back in time, and start over again.