Every story has its highs and lows, and even the greatest of heroes must eventually fall. I'm talking, of course, about the new Snapchat pineapple sticker's emotional journey, which will undoubtedly move you to tears, should you decide to update the social media app this week with the platform's latest additions. And you definitely should, because why would you want to miss out on such a juicy story? (I make no apologies for that pun.)
When Snapchat first announced its most recent update on Tuesday — which included new video chat features, livestream capability, and adorable Facebook-like stickers — no one expected that they'd be privy to such a poignant roller coaster of feels, and yet here we are, a mere four hours later, crying into our sleeves over the heart-wrenching tale of a large, prickly fruit.
Questions about Pineapple Sticker's origins abounded. Who was he? Where was he born? Was Tin Can Sticker his real mother or simply a wise matriarchal figure, guiding him through the fruit molasses of life? From the brief glimpses Snapchat users were treated to this week, a heartbreaking tale emerged — one that, with any luck, will someday be turned into a tear-jerking, Oscar-winning biopic titled Lost n Found, and starring Liam Neeson, Ellen Degeneres, Anthony Mackie, and Mindy Kaling, a.k.a, my dream celeb lip-sync team.
Born to a humble, working-class family in Maui, Pineapple Sticker experienced heartbreak early on when his father, a beloved local used car salesman, passed away, leaving him and his brother alone with his mother. His father's death took a heavy toll on his mother, who young Pineapple Sticker often caught crying alone, beneath a drenched shower sponge.
Years later, Pineapple's brother, a former Dole model, was drafted to fight in the Great Cannery War of 2012, according to an interview Pineapple gave to BuzzFeed in 2013. His brother was returned to the family later, in a tin can. The whole town sent its condolences to the grieving Sticker family, but nothing could help Pineapple's broken heart. The young fruit buried himself in his work, taking up odd jobs, such as straddling people's cocktail glasses for cash, to feel something — anything.
After eventually finding his feet (do pineapples even have feet? I don't know, this story is fake, so let's just go with a "yes" on that one), Pineapple returned to his home, where he had been sending money to help his mother pay the bills. It was at this point that he decided to shove paper cones into his ears for no apparent reason.
Pineapple went on to become a successful Olympic judge, who, judging from the fact that he gave people -100 scores, was probably pretty terrible at his job, but likable enough that no one wanted to see him fired. In the evenings, on weeks that he was traveling, he and his mother would stare up at the same night sky — her from her hammock in Maui and him in a cup of fro-yo — remembering the good times.
It was on one particularly blustery spring morning that Pineapple, stewing over his thoughts in the hotel sauna, found out his mother had been killed in a recycling accident. He skateboarded to her funeral, consoling himself with some sick moves.
After the loss of his mother, Pineapple — who, somewhere in there, was struck by lightning a little bit — found comfort in the arm of his longtime friend and confidant, Chunk. The two eventually moved to Portland where Pineapple and Chunk lived out the rest of their days happily gardening and planting flowers in his mother's corpse.
Pineapple Sticker's moving tale recently captured the eye of social media users everywhere, prompting several interested parties to approach him, hoping to use his life as inspiration for a series of affecting novels and docu-dramas. On Tuesday, Snapchat revealed that users would be able to send illustrated images of his life story to their friends, to communicate that "they couldn't even."
(Your move, Internet.)