As Amy Schumer has shown us more than once, sexting can be difficult. It's awkward coming up with the right words in the moment, and you may as well hire a professional if your partner starts asking for pics. Not all of us have it as easy as Kim Kardashian, who can just Instagram a racy pic and receive an immediate "HEADING HOME NOW" from their spouse. But now we have the next best thing: tiny cartoon pics of her body, and many, many other gems we can text to each other. Is sexting with Kimoji basically sexual plagiarism? Who cares?
Maybe you've already been sexting with emoji all along. But just as real sex can get boring if you always do it in the same position, emoji sexting can get boring if your significant other sends you the same old eggplant every day. And if you're more into food porn than actual porn, you can finish up with a sexy virtual brunch of bloody Marys and chicken and waffles. Kimoji has something for everyone (who owns an iPhone and is willing to part with $1.99).
So how can you use Kimoji to spice up your digital love life? I've come up with a few pointers to help you out:
Get It Started
Have you ever found yourself staring at your phone, wondering how to initiate a sexting session? "What are you wearing?" is so cliché, and anything more explicit could be disastrous if your partner left their phone out in the open at work or Grandma's house. So hit them up with one of these configurations, which could be easily explained away as, "my wife is having some weird cravings," "my girlfriend wants to meet at the new taco truck after work," or "my husband wanted to add a couple items to the grocery list."
When You Didn't Want That D*ck Pic
Ah, the unsolicited DP. What's a girl to say after being subjected to a surprise wang? Let Kim handle it, and there won't be any hard (ha!) feelings.
When You Kinda Liked That D*ck Pic
Maybe you asked for it, maybe you didn't. But you liked what you saw, and you want to convey your appreciation for his, er, photography skills. Kim's hands say, "I'm shocked!" but her eyes say, "Nice."
When You REALLY Did Not Care For That D*ck Pic
Use this sparingly. We're talking about a DP from a guy who had no business sending a DP, like your boss, or your sister's significant other. This isn't so much sexting as it is shutting down any future possibility of sexting.
Role Play Time
Maybe he wants you to pretend to be a stripper. Maybe she's got a thing for redheads. Maybe you're into guys with a Jesus thing going on. I'm not judging.
When It's Officially ON
There's something crass about typing (or swiping) "I'm going to remove my undergarments now." So don't type it; show it (without really showing it).
Testing The Waters
Maybe this is a relatively new hookup, and you're not sure whether you've landed yourself a breast man or a buns man. Show him both! See what he responds to. But don't show him your own, because that would just be weird. Use Kim's; they're time-tested and approved by millions.
When It's Just Not Happening For You
A polite way to say "this is less erotic than watching 60 Minutes with my cat."
When You're In the Mood For Some Festive BDSM
"Merry Christmas, now tie me up!" doesn't sound nearly as sexy.
When You've Achieved Your Goal
If you can muster the energy, do follow that up with a properly typed out "Thank you." It's just good manners.