Texting is by far my favorite activity because I don't actually have to talk to anyone and sending crazy smiley faces or random picture code I'm not sure anyone understands (I use the "running man" when I'm showing up late, but everyone is still mildly confused) is just more fun. Which is why the 72 new emojis released on Tuesday are totally awesome — we can now fill in so many blanks and confuse our loved ones even more. I am all about this.
The new emoji include new foodstuffs, like avocados and bacon. There's even a pregnant woman, which I hope takes off for all expecting mothers everywhere. Just think: if you're pregnant this summer, anytime anyone asks you to do something in 80 degree weather that doesn't involve a pool or a smoothie you can just text this woman in a maxi dress with a baby bump and everyone will have to just accept it.
The emoji, released by Unicode on Tuesday, won't be officially available until our phones and providers update, but they are coming. According to Fortune, though, it's entirely possible that this is a bad thing. A recent study by the University of Minnesota found that emoji lead to more miscommunication than anything else. I say let this be a glass half full situation. Let the confusion begin.
Finally, everyone's favorite superfood has an emoji. I'm not going to lie, though: as someone who has lived in countries where fruits are often slang for the vagina, I'm a little nervous this will somehow go the way of the eggplant for women. At least it's not as suggestive as a fig.
The Pregnant Woman
OK — I will take some issue with this selection, because certain platforms have more realistic looking women by far. The iOS version looks like a swathed infant or something. Also, I have a burning question: is it offensive for a non-mom to use this after an all-you-can-eat wing night? Please respond. I'm sorry in advance.
The Actual Fist Bump
For too long, I have been using the plain old fist to text what I mean to be a "fist bump," but it ends up looking like a punch or an activist sentiment at the very worst. The wrist and angle here, in my honest opinion, gives it some movement. So you can respond to, "picked up the pizza, en route," with a little right or left punch depending on your dominant hand. Genius.
The Cucumber & The Peanut
Beware, online daters everywhere.
Raise The Roof
This is technically a shrug, according to our developer overlords. But I say that depending on the context and on platform you happen to be chatting, this can be either raising the roof '90s style or a genuine response to your partner asking you if you remembered to sign the kids up for swim lessons.
I'm not sure how I feel about these guys. Use with discretion.
Again, these are weird. Perhaps it's because I've recently forayed into Tinder but any possible use of the drool seems downright sloppy and creepy to me.
Too often my friends are doing something I can't attend because I work too much and I sound desperate texting, "selfie, please!" just to get a telephonic dose of those good, weekend vibes. This seems more expedient. Door number two with the male selfie looks ominous, but we'll have to let it slide for now.
This is technically the "call me!" hand. But growing up loving stoner-surfer movies, I want this one to move, and when it does, it's more a "gnarly, bruh," than anything else. But you do you.
Too little, too late.
No Pizza For You
Next time your friends ask you out to dinner and you're trying to stay lean and on budget, just let them know with a simple salad. Some look more delectable than others.
I have been destined to clinking beer mugs and red wine to signify a drink. Now, I can tell my friends what I really mean when I say I'm out and treating myself. There's also a new "clinking champagne glass" instead of just a popped bottle, which seems altogether more elegant.
This is being added immediately to my "happy birthday" emoji combos because I can't do one in real life and it's funny AF.
This one is personal to me, having lived in Italy for years and years. Next time I want to tell my friends we have to save up for plane tickets — this is the Bat Call. Raol Bova, I'm coming for you.
Finally, A Freaking Spoon
We've had to deal with forks and knives for too long, when everyone knows the best way to feed a toddler or eat macaroni and cheese is with a spoon. Even Reese Witherspoon has been waiting for this.
Up Sh*t's Creek
Sure, you could offer a lake getaway this summer. But I like to get metaphorical with my emoji usage. "How's life at home before summer day camp starts with the kids?" Enter canoe emoji.
There are also wrestlers, dancing disco men, princes, shrimp, and even a "shallow pan of food," which I double dog dare the Internet to find a use for. Welcome, new emoji, we will use and misuse you all over the place.