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The Hot Mess Mom's Guide To Elementary School

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I don't claim to have my stuff together. At all. Getting my kids up, ready, and off to school is just damn-near impossible, you guys. Plus, mornings aren't my thing, so the whole "I'm setting the tone for the day" thing is a laughable disaster. Which is why I live and breathe by the quintessential hot mess mom's guide to elementary school, because I'm good at a lot of things, but not this. Being awake and alert enough to do the school situation? Yeah, no. I am in the "be half-way awake and coherent enough to remember to feed my children" camp because, honestly, sometimes good enough is as good as it's going to get.

Before my family and I made a big move from a small town to a bustling metropolis, getting ready for school in the morning was significantly less stressful. Between our small community and its accessible schools, I didn't have to think too much on how to get everyone out of the house on time. I could've left two minutes before the bell and all would've be fine. Now? Nope. We're in a bigger city, with a bigger school, and it takes a dumb amount of effort to get everyone prepared for the day.

I tried to keep up appearances and act as if my mornings were anything but a raging dumpster fire but, I mean, what's the point? I don't have time or energy to pretend I'm a morning person. As a result, I've tapped into my hot mess mom's guide for the sake of my sanity. It's minimal, less stressful, and true to the kind of mom I truly am. So if you're feeling the same animosity over the daily elementary school routine, here's your new guide:

Use Your Kids As Your Alarm

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Who needs a morning alarm when your kids wake up at the damn crack of dawn? Not this hot mess mom, and certainly not you. Alarms are annoying and, if anything, they're the one thing that can truly ruin your mood before you're even wake. Unplug it, toss it in the trash, and go on with your morning.

And don't worry about being late for school. I haven't used an alarm in years and my kids are fine. Mostly.

Refuse To Get Dressed

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Don't even think about putting clothes on. If you're just a chauffeur, what's the point? Might as well be comfortable during the commute. Yoga pants are pants, people, and there's no reason to pretend otherwise.

Toss Random Crap Into Your Kid's Lunch Boxes

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Most days I forget to make the kids' lunches on time, which means I'm throwing whatever random crap I can into those plastic boxes during the sh*tshow that is our mourning routine. Could be string cheese and crackers, or it could be a can of beans and some sugar packets. As long as it's edible, they'll be fine.

Let Your Kids Dress & Feed Themselves

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I've recently been allowing my 5-year-old son to pick out his own clothes. He has interesting taste (as in he just pulls whatever out of the drawer without looking at it), but at least he's doing it himself. My daughter's been grabbing a packet of Pop Tarts or a few pre-packaged muffins for breakfast. To me, this is more than acceptable.

Don't Worry About Your Kids Brushing Their Teeth

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OK, OK. So what if I forgot to help my youngest brush his teeth, right? I mean, I'll have a chance to help him brush those pearly whites at night, so it's not like he doesn't brush his teeth at all. Plus, I'm not the one who has to deal with his stinky breath during the day at school.

Abandon The Drop-Off & Pickup Lines

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The drop-off and pickup lines at this new school are a scene straight out of a horror film. While they aim to be "organized," there's too many damn students and parents to ever make this disaster a "smooth" situation. At our old school, there was an easy drive-through that was fast and convenient, with little-to-no stress involved. If anything, I'd park at the corner and let the kids walk from there, which happened to be only a few steps.

Now? Yeah, now I'm traveling to the seventh circle of hell every time I drop my kids off.

Unfinished Homework Is Your Kids' Problem

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My daughter forgets her homework a lot. I'm starting to think it's a delay tactic, just so she can have a few more minutes at home and/or miss school entirely. Yeah, I'm not buying it. Plus, her school as a mandatory "no drop-off after 9:30 a.m." policy, and she is not missing school. I want my peace and quiet during the day, people.

So if my kid forgets to finish her homework, that is her problem that she will have to rectify with her teacher. I already finished elementary school, my friends. I'm not going back and doing my kids' work.

Substitute Breakfast For A Cold Cup Of Coffee

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Forget eggs and toast, your kids' Pop Tarts, or even a drive-through McWhatever. It's cold coffee for you, my friend.

Avoid People At All Costs

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I don't "people" very well in the morning. Even my partner and kids tend to avoid me before noon and until I've had my first cup of coffee. Some people just aren't "morning" people, so the best way to get through the elementary school routine every day is to avoid as many people as possible. You're not being rude by avoiding people, either. In fact, you're probably (read: definitely) doing them a favor.

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