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The Keanu Wreaths Merchandise You Never Knew You Needed

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If there's one thing universally agreed upon, it's that Keanu Reeves is a perfect specimen of humanity. He's handsome, kind, and oh yeah, he's John Wick. But he also has a name just asking for puns, so thank the gods of homemade fandoms for all the Keanu wreaths available to celebrate the holidays.

I know what you're thinking: why on earth did no one think to put Keanu on a Christmas wreath before now? Reader, I will tell you that I do not know. I am only grateful for those solemn craftspeople who decided to eschew their normal fascination with terrifying random passersby using the likeness of Nicholas Cage, in favor of our very own Keanu Wreaths. I mean Reeves. Johnny Utah. Neo. Whatever.

I first started crushing on Mr. Reeves as a very small girl in small town Ohio, watching Babes in Toyland on TBS. In the '90s I found that it always aired immediately before National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation — another of my favorites. So, indolent child that I was, I would settle in my Strawberry Shortcake nightgown, open a box of Raisin Bran (in lieu of popcorn), and indulge in a marathon of television while my siblings were probably doing something active. If only I had known about Keanu wreaths then. Now what a merry Christmas I can have.

1. Tall Drink of Whatever

The internet all took a collective inhale when the boyfriend of our hearts, Keanu Reeves, stepped out with his new-to-us girlfriend, artist Alexandra Grant, the woman who is single-handedly making me reconsider my commitment to coloring my hair. (I am 36, and about 50 percent white.)

However, though everyone — myself included — is over the danged moon for Reeves, we are also feeling kind of like "there goes my chance." Well, worry not, because now you can practically kiss the drool-worthy Gen Xer every morning with your cup of coffee, thanks to this Keanu wreaths mug.

Also, someone should totally send Ms. Grant this mug for Christmas.

2. They Need To Sell These By The Box

Because I am an insufferable human being, I send out Christmas cards every year with long, satirical letters detailing the very fictional events of my family in the previous year. Imagine all of the nonsense I would get up to with Keanu.

Nothing romantic — I am already married to the only guy in the world who could handle all that I throw out — but there would be significant shenanigans.

3. Something For The Front Door

It's not enough to make a visual pun. You need to do it with panache. Just looking at this wreath makes me want to break out into the Al-Pacino-As-Satan monologue from Devil's Advocate.

(Yes, I have it fully memorized. Did you miss the part where I said I watched a lot of television?)

I want to stare into his dark gaze against the firey red mylar, and spout off about free will and and indulging in every emotion man has ever been inspired to have. What's more Christmasy than that? Probably a great many things, but I'm here for the Wreaths of Keanu.

4. Keep Him Close To Your Heart

So you might never be lucky enough to be enfolded in the warm embrace of Alex Wyler, but you can stay warm and keep him close to your heart with this surprisingly affordable sweatshirt.

Ugly Christmas sweater this is not. This is pure artistry with a gooey middle. It's exactly the sweet show of purity that all Keanu fans appreciate.