In a life full of professional responsibilities and family obligations, people live in a tornado of busyness. As a result, it's inevitable that certain things either have to be done at rapid speed or go by the wayside completely. And for even the most sexual couples, sex is not immune the hustle and bustle lifestyle. Thankfully a quickie can come to the rescue and hold people over until there is time for more. The one thing you need to know about quickies though is this: they may hold you over temporarily, but they won't hold you over forever.
My husband and I aren’t exactly the type to pencil in sex or schedule it. We’ve found that getting busy while we’re busy is best done without the mood killing ding notifications of our smartphone calendars. Our kids are 5 and 6 years old, and for awhile there was nothing happening in our bedroom. There was the common libido killing effects of postpartum healing, the exhaustion of babies who don't sleep, then the busyness of having two toddlers in the house. Sprinkle in some postpartum body image issues (my own) and there was basically no way in heck I felt like having sex. I felt like sleeping all day, every day. I was touched out and utterly exhausted. When the sex drive came roaring back I quickly realized the only way we were ever going to do it without feeling rushed was on couple's vacation. Suffice to say, we resort to quickies a lot.
Quickies are convenient for us and can keep us feeling sexually satisfied, but not really intimately connected, which are two totally different things. Rhonda Milrad, clinical sexologist and founder of an app called Relationup echoes this same sentiment. "A quickie is intended to be a fast, passionate fling — you don’t feel connected during the sexual experience," Milrad tells Romper. "In fact, it is more likely that you may feel like a warm body that is there to satisfy the other person's sexual desires. Be aware that when it is over, you can feel empty, used and objectified." So what's missing from the quickie that makes it a flimsy and fleeting source of sexual bonding?
"A quickie can be very satisfying, but it may very well be void of the intellectual and emotional intimacy that would be present in a longer encounter," Chris Armstrong, a certified relationship coach tells Romper. "And while people generally understand this going into the quickie, they can often leave the quickie satisfied physically, but feeling something missing regardless."
The sexual disconnect of a quickie could also be caused by mismatched arousal requirements. A plethora of medical and psychological literature suggests that in general, women require a lot more foreplay than men in order to get pleasure and orgasm from sex. Drawn out foreplay is something that is arguably missing from the quickie. According to Web MD, simply thinking about sex is not enough for many women, instead they need to have a physical and emotional connection to sex. The same site said women need to be kissed, hugged, and caressed in order to generate lubrication in the vagina which is key to comfortable sex. Mind you, every woman is different and bodily response to sexual stimuli can vary person to person, gender to gender, but a mutually satisfying sexual encounter where everyone's pleasure matters is really ideal.
Basically, a quickie can be exciting and little sweet snack on the way to the real sexual main course, but don't count on it rounding out your whole sexual or romantic relationship. Quickies are good for when you're short on time or are looking for ways to be spontaneous with your sexual encounters. But if you're looking for connection and intimacy, that takes time.