While I considered myself well-researched and prepared for postpartum life, nothing seemed to help me through those endless nights like the often-hilarious text message exchanges I was able to enjoy with another sleep-deprived new mom. My best friend had a baby three months before I did, so more often than not you could find us texting one another at 2:00 a.m., delirious and in need of some adult interaction. Turns out, this particularly hilarious coping mechanism isn't anything new. Romper reached out to moms across the country and asked them to share their hysterical text message exchanges with other moms, creating one all-too-real highlight reel of life as a new mom.
While it's an age-old platitude, in my experience never has the phrase "laughter really is the best medicine" been so true than the moment you find yourself sitting on a donut pillow in the middle of the night with both boobs out as your infant roots for a midnight snack. You haven't showered in who-the-hell-knows how long, you reek of breast milk, pee, and shattered dreams, and just as you smell what is sure to be a changed diaper you hear your partner snore just loudly enough to remind you that they can sleep through a nuclear holocaust.
It's in these moments that we, as new moms still icing our vaginas, need a little laugher and solidarity in our lives. Thankfully, the advent of text messaging has made it so that we can interact with other humans without their needing to stare at the obscene bags under our eyes. So with that in mind, and because not every aspect of motherhood is fun, but every aspect sure is hilarious, here are a few laugh your you-know-what off text message exchanges between moms:
"The 2 Become 1"
While I'm no scientist, I can tell you that 92.5 percent of newborn mom life is being terrified of the bathroom. From those horrendous postpartum pees to the first nightmarish postpartum poop to the simple-yet-ultimately-dangerous act of wiping, taking a trip to the bathroom is like agreeing to play Russian Roulette.
Friends > Google
My advice, new moms? Stay away from Google. Always. Finding potentially terrifying answers to your questions is what your well-intentioned friends are for.
And Then We Got The Dog...
There are bad life choices and then there are bad life choices. This is an example of the latter. (She had an 19-month-old and was 7 months pregnant.)
Awh, that beautiful postpartum moment when you realize you've magically transformed into a human pacifier and can no longer remember what the word "sleep" actually means.
Choose Your Words Carefully
"Nursing" is the new mom's "moist." Write that down.
What's motherhood if not a slew of poop pic texts. And you thought dick pics were the worst.
(Oh, who are we kidding? They still are. Hands down, would rather see a diaper full of doo than some random person's penis, thank you very much.)
"He Looked Me Dead In The Eyes"
Every parent has a "they looked me dead in the eyes when they did it" story about their "innocent" child. They're conspiring against us, parents. I just know it.
Small Boob Revenge
Postpartum life isn't without its perks, my friends. Yes, you sacrifice sleep, but have you heard about the new boobs you'll be getting? They're free (if you don't count a ridiculous amount of physical and emotional labor) and if you don't like your new cup size, have no fear: they'll be deflated before you know it.